Page 139 of Run
“Oh, cut it!” Ethan lifts his hand in the air and makes a slicing motion. “He was never going to get his metal mouth on you. Over my dead body.” I burst out laughing. “Yeah, laugh it up. The little twerp. God, I cringe just thinking about him.” He does a fake shiver.
As I hand him the envelope to put that letter back in, Ethan shudders out a breath. “Seriously, though. That kiss …”
“Right?”
“It was hot.”
I want to giggle but I can’t because I know we’re getting close to the times we don’t want to talk about, and I’m not sure I want to pop this bubble we’re in. However, I find my fingers dancing their way across the envelopes.
I pull one out and without prompt, start reading:
Dear Momma,
I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while. A lot has changed. I’m living with a foster family now because Axel finally got arrested. The Millers are nice, and there is another girl here, Sophie, who I really like. But I miss Ethan. I miss him so badly. Sometimes when I think about him, I get a feeling in my stomach like I’m not sure if I’m hungry or I’m going to puke.
I haven’t seen him in several weeks and it feels like I’m dying. I feel like I won’t make it another day unless I talk to him, text him, or even just see him from a distance. But I can’t. His mom told me he would throw away his chance at college if I don’t stay away, and I can’t let that happen. As it is, he got hurt because of me. Axel hurt him badly and I hate myself because it was my fault. If I had the guts to leave that house sooner, it would have never happened.
Momma, I don’t know what to do. I know that I love Ethan. There’s no other way to describe how I feel. And I just know I’ll die if I can’t be near him. But I also won’t hold him back. Is this what they mean when they say, ‘If you love someone, let them go?’ Because that’s what I’ll do. Even if it kills me.
Maybe just the memory of what it felt like to be loved by Ethan James will be enough. Maybe I can hold onto it forever. Because he did love me. I know he did. I think, wherever he is, he still does.
“Red.” Ethan’s voice is soft as he starts to turn in my lap.
“No, wait.” My words are shaky. “I want to read you another one. It’s from much later.”
Ethan turns until his head is face up in my lap as I pull out a letter that is close to the end of the stash, but it’s not the one I’m looking for, so I replace it and grab the next one. This is it.
I bring one hand down to stroke his cheek, and Ethan places his on top of mine, turning his head and kissing my palm beforebringing my hand to his chest where he holds it tightly against his skin.
Dear Mom,
If you’ve never been interrupted by your foster dad while getting it on as an adult, then you haven’t lived.
But I can’t even care about that because I have bigger news to tell you: the butterflies are still there!
Ethan kissed me again today—well, actually I kissed him—and even after all these years, the butterflies are still there. And they have multiplied and drank a case of Mountain Dew and they must be in heat because, man, are they fierce.
Ethan’s chest shakes as a laugh comes out.
I was wrong when I told you all those years ago that Ethan ruined me with his kiss. No, he healed me, Mom. He soothed my heart and soul by showing me an example of the type of love that does exist in the world, and because I had a taste of it so long ago, I held out for it again. I wish I hadn’t strayed and wasted time with anyone else. But I truly believe that knowing in my heart of hearts that one day I would find Ethan again, gave me the strength to face every day.
Ethan releases my hand and brings his up to gently cup my face, avoiding my blackened eye. “Oh, Red,” he lets out a breath. “What a shitshow we are.”
“They should write a country song about us.” I run my hand along his jaw and scrape my fingernails through his scruff.
“Nah. They’d never get it right.”
The moon shines through a break in the curtains by the window above the sink, casting a light on Ethan’s chest. “What are you thinking?” he asks me softly.
I continue to massage his head. “Honestly?”
“Honesty would be nice.”
I tilt my head. “I’m thinking I’m done wasting time.”
Ethan swallows, then smiles.
“Then let’s not waste anymore.”
