Page 136 of Run
“Ari?” He pushes up onto his elbows, his hands roaming my upper arms, then my face.
“Yes, it’s me. You’re just having a nightmare,” I say as he grips my battered face in his hands, and I hold back a wince. His eyes are wild, he’s sweating and breathing heavily.
“Ari?” he asks again, as if he can’t be sure I’m actually here. “I thought … I thought … Oh, God.” He turns quickly and flings his legs over the side of the bed, then scrubs a hand through his short hair. I reach for him, but he stands abruptly and storms out of the room.
“Ethan.” I stumble out of bed and follow him to the kitchen, stopping when I see him leaning against the island in the dark, his hands flat against the marble countertops, head dipped down. “Are you OK?”
“Go back to bed, Ari.” His voice is low and husky.
I take a step into the kitchen. “I know your nightmares are about Axel. And me. All of us. Talk to me.”
I hear his heavy exhale. “What do you want me to say, Red? That I keep reliving all the times I let you down? Or all the times you showed up bruised and bloody and I did nothing?”
I take a few steps closer. “Ethan, that’s not true—”
“The hell it isn’t!” He slams a hand down on the marble. “You were just a kid. And I didn’t … I couldn’t …”
“You couldn’t what? You were a kid, too.”
“I couldn’t protect you! I had one job”—he jabs his pointer finger in the air—“and I was too pathetic to do it.”
“It wasn’t your job!” I raise my voice back to him. “I was never your responsibility.”
“Yes, you were, because I loved you! I loved you even back then, Ari.” He fists his hands and holds them tight against his stomach as he approaches me. “You were the most important thing in the world to me and I couldn’t keep you safe.”
I hear a creak behind me and turn to see Fonz standing by the entrance to the kitchen. Ethan doesn’t seem to notice. Or he justdoesn’t care. “Even now, years later, I still can’t keep you safe from him.”
“Because I’m a stupid, stupid girl!” Dragging my fingers through the roots of my hair, I stalk past him and pace to the end of the kitchen. “And that stupid little girl with the broken tooth and dirt under her fingernails just wanted to be loved! And I thought he did!”
“Ilove you, Ari.” Ethan’s voice breaks. “Ido.Me.” His face is red and the veins on his neck bulge as he prowls toward me, this time beating his fists against his chest. “I fucking love you, but I can’t compete with him. Why? Tell me why. Please!”
I back up, crying, as he advances on me until my back is against the wall, and he grips my upper arms firmly. The first tears breach his lower lids and streak down his cheeks. I shake my head violently. “No, Ethan.”
“I love you with everything that I have, Red.” The tears fall feely down his face. His eyes dart between mine, frantic, as his words rush out. “I give you all of me—everything. I would worship at your feet if you let me. I would cut my own heart out and give it to you if I thought that would make your heart whole, baby. But you don’t let me.” He closes his eyes, his lashes dark and saturated with tears as he whispers, “Why can’t my love be enough?”
My heart constricts painfully as I let out a sob. “It is! You love me better than I deserve. The problem isn’t you, Ethan. It’s me! I barely understand what it means to be loved by a man like you.” I have to pause to wipe the tears out of my eyes, hissing as I press on my bruised face.
Ethan pulls his lips between his teeth and nods his head like he’s thinking. “A man like me?” He drops my arms and scratches the back of his head with one hand, placing the other on his hip. “What, am I not violent enough for you? Do you need me to be more aggressive? Is that what you want?” He strikes a fist outand punches the wall beside me with two quick blows, denting the plaster and causing me to shriek and recoil, bringing my hands to the sides of my head as I sob. “Am I not angry enough for you?” he bellows.
“Ethan,” I hear Fonz warn from the other side of the kitchen.
“No, Fonz, it’s OK,” Ethan seethes in my face. “This is what she needs. Ain’t that right, Ari? You want to see me get pissed off? Is that the only way you know that I love you? I’ve got to break some shit?”
He spins and grabs a glass off the counter, hurling it at the wall adjacent to us, and I scream. Then he upends the bar cart, and glass and liquids go flying everywhere.
“You’re scaring me,” I blubber, snot dripping down my nose and onto my upper lip.
“Oh, you’re scared of me now? You can take it from Axel, but as soon as I step out of line you get scared? You should just be bursting at the seams with all the love I’m showing you!” He spreads his arms wide. “Is this enough?” When I don’t answer, he lunges back toward me and punches the wall beside me again, this time breaking a hole through it. “Are you satisfied?!”
I recoil and slide down the wall until I’m sitting on the floor, holding my head in my hands as I sob.
“Ethan, that’s enough!” Fonz shouts, and I hear his footsteps.
I try to wipe the nonstop tears from my face as I bring my head up and look at Ethan through my good eye, and see his tormented ones. His face is pale, cheeks tearstained. His neck muscles bulge as he frantically sucks in air. Shaking his head slightly, he brings his fists up to his temples. “Red.”
I see the horror in his face. The sadness. The regret. He backs up slowly until he meets the wall on the other side of the kitchen and sinks down until he’s sitting on the floor, opposite me.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers as more tears come. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He hangs his head and starts shaking it slowly as he sobs,too. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be better. Stronger. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy.”
