Page 83 of Demo
“No worries,” she said as she reapplied her lip gloss. “So, no date tonight?”
“No. No date.”
“I’m sure Knox is relieved about that,” she said, looking at me in the mirror.
Not sure if I was picking up what she was putting down, I asked, “So, you two aren’t here together? As in,togethertogether?”
Jenny shook her head, eyes wide. “No. Look, I know the last time we saw each other wasn’t cool, and that was all me. I thought I was being a good friend, but I realize otherwise now. But you need to know that while Knox and I are oftentogetherin that we are each other’s plus-one when we don’t have a date to the holiday party or a wedding or whatever, we are nevertogetherin that sense. Like, ever. The handholding, dancing, hugging, anything you see like that, it’s strictly platonic. I’m his work wife, or whatever the term is.”
“Oh,” was all I could manage to say.
Placing her lip gloss back in her purse, Jenny swiveled around to face me, placing her hands on the sink behind her. “He still loves you, you know?”
I looked down at my feet, up at the ceiling, then back at her, and swallowed the lump in my throat.
“I’m sorry. I’m out of line,” she said, pulling away from the sink and waving her hands in front of her like she was trying to clear the air. “Look, I don’t know what happened between you guys, but I know it must have been something because you guys were like, you know … amazing together.”
He didn’t tell her about the miscarriage. For some reason it made me feel better that he didn’t share intimate details of our life with Jenny.
“Gah! Anyway …” she trailed off as she headed toward the door. “I’ll see you on the dance floor?”
I nodded. It was all I could do.
Later, I sat at my assigned table and listened to the people around me talk. Sometimes they included me in the conversation to be polite, and I think I did a fine job of acting socially acceptable. Then the bride and groom were introduced, and I joined all the people who started standing to circle the dance floor as they had their first dance as husband and wife.
They were truly a stunning couple. Holding hands, Bram pulled Emily into the center and twirled her around until she was in his arms, one securely around her waist, the other holding her hand that he pulled close between their bodies. Forehead to forehead, they swayed to “Love” by Joni Mitchell.
My chest tightened. Would Knox and I have gone for a full formal affair like this? Or would we have gone lower key?
As the song played on, the DJ invited other couples to join them on the dance floor. I saw Knox’s parents make their entrance, and then some of the cousins and people I didn’t know. I saw Jenny pull one of the guys from work out dramatically.
Then I felt him next to me. I didn’t have to look up to see Knox standing there. I knew it was him.
“Would it be a bad idea to ask for a dance?” His voice was low, shaky and unsure. So unlike the Knox I knew.
Slowly, I turned my head until my eyes met his. They were pleading. Begging. My chest ached and everything in me told me it was a bad idea, and I would pay for this decision dearly. But standing there with the opportunity to be back in Knox’s arms, without any reason for this to lead to something else, I nodded my head.
His face fell. “Oh, OK …”
“No, I mean, yes, we can dance. Not, yes, it’s a bad idea to ask.” I rolled my eyes and looked away, embarrassed by my shaky hands and voice.
He chuckled that familiar chuckle I knew in my bones, then waved a hand in front of him, toward the dance floor, indicating I should go first. As I stepped off, he placed his hand on the bare skin on my back, and I nearly jumped.
This was a bad idea.
When we got to a free space, I turned around and awkwardly put my hands up on his chest, not sure what to do with them. But, much like his brother had with Emily, Knox pulled my hip toward him and snaked an arm around my lower back, resting his entire flat hand on my skin, and cupped my other hand in his and brought it to rest between our chests.
My stomach flip-flopped.I can’t do this. Neither can he.
I turned my head slightly to the side and rested it on his chest, and he laid his cheek on my hair as I took slow, steady breaths in an attempt to keep my tears at bay.
I could feel his heart knocking inside his chest just as fiercely as mine was. The electricity between us sizzled and crackled, and burned everywhere we touched.This is just lust, I told myself over and over again.I’m used to hot and heavy with him, so my body is reacting to his nearness. That’s all.
The DJ bled one song into the next, and Coldplay’s “Sparks” began playing, and we continued dancing. I felt Knox’s fingers flex and curl against my back, as he started rubbing circles on the hand he was holding by our chests with his thumb. He had to have felt me shudder.
“Baby,” he breathed out so low I wasn’t sure he actually said it.
And my chest cracked open. He tried to use our clasped hands to tip my head toward his, but I wouldn’t allow it. He must’ve felt my tears hitting his hand because his hold on me tightened. “It’s just a dance,” he whispered, ever so softly. “We’re just dancing.”
