Page 76 of Demo
True to his word, I woke up a few hours later to Knox rolling me from my side and into his arms.
The next morning the doctor got us right in and when she did an ultrasound it revealed what we already knew. We had lost the baby.
Knox was stoic. He held my hand, smoothed my hair, and took in all the doctor had to say about how it wasn’t my fault, these things happen, and we could try again as soon as we wanted.
Ha!As if we tried for this baby in the first place. I would have laughed out loud if my heart wasn't broken.
On the drive home, I was quiet. Knox kept trying to get me to talk, asking if I wanted to tell my sister and mom so I had someone else to talk to, but the only talking I had to do was with him, and it wasn’t going to be pretty. But I thought we might as well get this clusterfuck over with so it could just be one big ugly, terrible day, and not dragged out.
When Knox pulled his truck into the parking lot at my apartment building, he found a spot and shut off the engine.
I tried to sound nonchalant as I picked my purse up off the floor and reached for the door handle. “I’m just gonna take a shower and hang out until I go to work later. You don’t have to stick around.”
“The fuck?” he said, sounding flabbergasted. “You’re not going to work today! And of course, I’m coming in. You think I’m just going to drop you off?” He reached for his door handle, but I put my hand on his knee.
“Knox, look, there’s nothing we can do, and I don’t want to just sit around staring at each other, OK? Maybe if we each just go to work and think about something else, it’ll do us both good.”
He looked down at my hand, covered it with his, squeezed it, then opened his door and got out of the truck. He came around to my side as I was hopping down, grabbed my free hand and led me to my apartment. I let go of his hand as I fumbled in my purse for my keys, then opened the door, and we both stepped in.
The apartment opened right up into the living room, and Knox tossed his keys on the coffee table and marched over to the bathroom without taking off his boots or hoodie. “I’ll start the water for you. You want to take a shower or a bath?” he asked.
“You don’t have to, Knox.”
“I know I don’t. I want to,” he said from the bathroom, as he started the shower. “It’s warming up,” he said as he came back out into the living room, where I had toed out of my shoes. He came up to me, cautiously. When he got to me, he slowly reached up with one hand and cupped my jaw, and I allowed myself to lean into it.
Just this once. Just one last time,I told myself. “Knox—”
“Don’t,” he said, placing his other hand on my hip and gently pulling me with both hands so we were forehead-to-forehead, pelvis to pelvis. I rested my hands on his chest. “Don’t push me away right now, Lizzie.”
“I’m not, Knox. I just … Look, this whole thing has been a whirlwind.”
“What thing? You mean us?”
“Yes! Us. Our relationship! We went from fucking to having a baby and getting married in a nanosecond, and now we have a moment to step back and reassess—”
“Reassess?!” Knox pulled back enough to look down at me, a war raging in his eyes.
“Yes.”
“First of all, we were never just fucking. At least I wasn’t. And second of all, this isn’t just about you. Maybe I do want to sit and stare at each other today. Maybe I want to be here with you and cry and hold you. And third, I don’t want to reassess. I like our assessment right where it goddamn is!”
I tried to push away from him, but he held me solidly, my hip in one hand, my face in the other. He crushed his mouth to mine and tried to kiss me, but I wriggled away from him. “Knox, no!”
He dropped his hands and backed away. “OK. OK, I’m sorry, Lizzie. I’m sorry, baby. You need space? I get it. Go take a shower, and I’ll hang out here.”
The steam coming from the bathroom started to filter into the apartment.
“No, Knox. I need more than that,” I said, looking down at my hands as I continued to back away from him.
He ran his hands through his hair and turned away from me before inhaling and exhaling a huge breath and resting his hands on his hips, then turning back to me. “OK. So, what are we talking about? You want me to head back to Bram’s and call you later?”
Just cut the cord, Lizzie, set him free. I squared my shoulders at him. “No, Knox. I want you to go back to the apartmentyou still rent with Bram.”
“And?”
“And … I don’t know.”
He came toward me again and when I put my hands up, he stopped mid-stride. “Lizzie, what is this?”
