Page 66 of Demo
He runs a hand through his hair, just like I always do.
“What?” I ask.
He shakes his head.
“Just say it,” I edge him on.
“It’s just,” he looks at me with a pathetic, sympathetic gaze, “I guess I didn’t think you had it in you, man.”
At that I just hang my head, then turn on my heel and head back toward the trucks.
“I didn’t mean it that way,” I hear him close on my heels.
“Sure you did,” I toss over my shoulder.
“I just know how much you love Lizzie.”
I say nothing as I swing open the back door of my truck and drag out my tool belt.
“OK, fuck it. I know I said you didn’t have to talk about it, but I lied. You do. I gotta know what the hell happened, dude? I mean, was it a drunken night? Was it just, you know, about the sex?”
I spin on him in a nanosecond, seething at that accusation.“Please tell me you know me better than that,” I say.
He remains silent.
I pull my tool belt around my waist and fasten it, turning it and adjusting it so it sits just right on my hips. Lizzie always liked to help me buckle it. Said it was sexy.
“I’m an asshole. You know that,” I say, running my hand through my hair, then reaching in the truck to pull out my cap and placing it on my head before slamming the door. “I’m more of an asshole than Lizzie ever knew.”
I walk past him and reach into the truck bed to get the screw gun and again head toward the back of the lot. Bram is still on my heels.
“You talking about your partying days? Thought those were in the past, bro?”
“Yeah, well, some things never change.”
His hand wraps around my arm, and I let him spin me around and we stare off for a beat, then I swallow. Bram drops his hand, and we just stand there for a minute.
I look down at the screw gun in my hand, at my feet shuffling in the dirt, then back up at my brother. “I paralyzed that woman, Bram.”
He pulls his head back, shocked by the turn in the conversation. “You weren’t under the influence, Knox.”
“I was distracted. I wasn’t paying any attention, and now that young woman may never walk again.”
I look up at my brother, who is quiet. “When Jenny yelled my name, and I looked up and saw the figure in the street standing right in front of me, her entire body lit up by my headlights … I haven’t been able to get that image out of my mind.”
“Knox,” Bram tries to reach out, but I take a step back.
“And then I fucking hated myself. I hated myself for everything. For being distracted, lying to Lizzie …”
“Knox, what—”
“Then I was just so disgusted with myself. I was so disgusted, and I was pissed—at myself and at Jenny.”
Bram is putting things together in his head. “So, you self-sabotaged by cheating on Lizzie?”
I drag in a breath. “No. Yes. Maybe I did. But it gets worse. It wasn’t just anyone.”
I look at him and give him a minute to figure it out.
