Page 122 of Demo
We were both giggling like crazy. I got to my door first and pulled it open, then slid my phone out of my pocket so it didn’t fall out when I got in, but my clumsy hands dropped it between the seat and the side of the truck.
“Shit,” I muttered as I slid my hand in the small opening to retrieve my phone. I could feel it, but because it’s such a small space I had to pinch it between my middle and forefinger and pull it up. It slipped and fell back down, so I went after it again, this time reaching my other hand under the seat from the front to see if I could get it that way.
I pinched it again and pulled it up, this time successful, but I also landed my other hand on something slippery and silky and … unmistakable.
I pulled my hand out and glanced at what I was holding just as Knox opened his door. “You need help?” he asked, looking at me from the other side of the truck. His face changed as he glanced down at my hand, then back at my face, then at my hand, then at my face. Then he paled.
With both doors to the truck open, the wind was being sucked through, as we both stood at either side. Unmovable.
I looked down at my hand, which held a condom. A used condom. “What … Knox, what is this?” The question sounded stupid, because of course we both knew what it was.
He was silent, one hand on the door to the truck, the other braced against the seat, like he was holding himself up.
I slid the condom between my thumb and fingers. It was still wet. “Is this … I don’t … Knox?”
It looked like his lips were moving to shape words, syllables, but nothing came out. But it wasn’t necessary anyway. His eyes and face said it all.
One last hope burned in my chest as I threw out the question. “Did someone borrow your truck?”
He swallowed. Then, so quiet, almost inaudible, Knox replied. “No.”
I looked down again, realizing I was still holding the used condom in my hand, and dropped it, wiping my hand on my pants. Memories of the previous night came rushing back. He and Jenny disappearing to go to the bathroom. Seeing them come in from the outside as I was being manhandled. Knox’s apologies all night. His breakdown. Our own intimacy …
When I was a kid, I fell out of a tree in the front yard and had the wind knocked out of me. I was several feet up when I fell, and when I hit the ground, flat on my back, it was a good few seconds before I could suck any air into my lungs. I remember trying to inhale, but I couldn’t get any air in. Until, finally, my body seemed to jolt back to life.
That same feeling hit like a freight train.
“Oh God!” I started to back away from the truck.
“Liz—”
“Oh God!”
“Please, let me explain.” Knox looked like he couldn’t decide if he should climb through the truck to get to me or run around it, ultimately shutting the door and rushing round the front of the vehicle.
“We were all together! You, what, took her out to the truck and fucked her between songs?!”
“God, Lizzie, it was not supposed to happen.” He was coming toward me like he expected me to let him embrace me.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” I put my hands up, and he froze in understanding.
My chest heaved. It felt like someone shoved their fist right through me and was ringing my heart out like a sponge. Squeezing, squeezing … I couldn’t settle my thoughts on a single pain, there was too much.
“Lizzie.” I could hear the choking in his voice.
I was bent over, one hand on my knee, the other flat against my chest. Breathing heavy. Tears had started flowing at some point, I’m not entirely sure when.
“Lizzie.”
I just shook my head from side to side, still bent over. I couldn’t bear to look at him. So many questions swam in my head I needed to know right then, but also never wanted to know. I was combusting. Equal parts burning and shattering. Drowning and sprinting. The bottomed-out feeling was taking over, like coming over the crest of a hill on a roller coaster and suddenly plunging.
I managed a peek up at Knox, and he also looked broken. Despite his height over me, especially with me bent over, he looked small. Pale. Fragile.
“I will spend every second of the rest of my life regretting it,” he whispered. “I wish I could take it back.”
Straightening, I slowly headed toward the house. It felt like the world was swaying. Like I had just gotten off the Tilt-O-Whirl. I could hear Knox behind me. I got to the door and waited for him. I didn’t have my keys since we had planned to take his truck, and I needed him to unlock the door, which he did. Once it was open, I pushed past him and slammed it shut, falling back into it and sliding down it until I was on the floor.
I heard and felt athunkon the other side of the door, and I knew Knox was sitting against the other side of it.
