Page 110 of Demo
She pauses for dramatic effect, then makes a show out of looking at her naked wrist and tapping a finger to an imaginary watch, then replies, “I have to be there about a quarter after go-fuck-yourself-o-clock!”
There she is.
I can’t help it. I smile. Because despite the cold goodbye, I saw that familiar warmth in her eyes again. I just need a little more time.
Chapter 30
Five months ago …
LYZBETH
Ithadbeenonlya few weeks since the accident, and Knox still wouldn’t talk about it. At least not to me. It was agonizing. I knew he was hurting, but I couldn’t seem to do a damn thing about it. So, instead, I danced around it.
“Pasta OK tonight? I bought spaghetti and rigatoni.” I held up the boxes as I unloaded grocery bags in the kitchen. I turned to face Knox, who was sitting in the nook at the window in the living room of our apartment, just looking out.
“Hello! Anybody home?”
“Yeah, sorry. Whatever you make is fine,” he responded coolly, not looking over to me.
Okayyyy. “I’m feeling rigatoni,” I said. “I bought some pesto sauce at the store.”
“Cool,” he said, before getting up walking into the bedroom.
I hated the awkwardness that existed between us. I didn’t know what he needed or wanted. Space? An embrace? Should I let him come to me on his own terms, or should I crowd him? I knew it wasn’t about me, but his lifelessness was killing me, too.
I lightly rapped my knuckles on the open door before entering the bedroom. Knox had his back to me, putting freshly folded clothes away in a dresser drawer. Looking over his shoulder at me, he gave me a light smile. “It’s your room, too, you know. You don’t have to knock.”
I looked at my hands before looking back up at him. “I know. I was just … Actually, I don’t know what I’m doing.”
The comment deflated Knox, who turned and leaned back against the dresser, his hands resting on the dark wood on either side of his hips. “I’m sorry,” he breathed.
Shit.“I didn’t mean that as an accusation. It was more of a confession, I guess.”
It was silent for a beat.
“You know I’m here for you, right? I mean, I know you know that. And I’m not trying to pressure you to talk to me. It’s just, in case it hasn’t been clear, you’re the same Knox to me. The guy I married. There’s nothing you could do or say to change that for me.”
He surprised me with a light chuckle, looking at his feet before into my eyes. “See, that’s the thing, Lizzie. I’m not the same Knox. I’m very, very much a different guy.”
Double shit.This was not going well. “I know that, I just—”
“You don’t know. Stop trying to understand or sympathize because you can’t. Did you ever think that maybe I don’t want you trying to make me feel better? Maybe I just want to bask in a little bit of torment to give myself a tiny glimpse of what that poor woman probably feels?”
I knew he was talking about the woman he hit.
“Why can’t anyone just let me fucking be? The guys from work keep telling me, ‘Deep breaths, brother. We’re here for you, man.’ Maybe I don’t want them here for me! Maybe I don’t want you here for me.”
He pushed away from the desk and scraped his nails through his shaggy hair.
I also pushed away from the doorframe I had been leaning on. “That’s fine, Knox. I can give you that. You want space to wallow and find more ways to hate yourself? You got it. Can’t say I blame you. But I’m never going to let you think you deserve a lifetime of torture for what happened.”
“Just stop it,” he bit out. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You’re right. I don’t. And for some reason, I will keep taking your abuse for however long you need to dish it out to come to terms with this terrible situation you’ve been handed. So keep swinging, I’m not going anywhere … Other than the kitchen, because I’m a little winded from this beating, at the moment.”
As I turned on my heel to leave, tears threatening to spill from the corners of my eyes, I heard Knox curse as he wrapped a hand around my upper arm and swung me around and into his arms, crashing into his chest.
“I’m sorry, Lizzie. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this.”
