Page 136 of First-Time Caller
His face is guarded. An animal backed into a corner. “I’m not lying about this, Lucie. I can’t give you what you want.”
I shake my head. “I’m the one who decides that. Not you.” I roll my chair to the side and pluck out another chocolate, carefully unwrapping it, my heart thundering in my chest. It helps to focus on this menial task and not on the way I’m splintering into pieces. “You don’t like your job. You don’t believe in love. You’re not good for me.” I repeat every excuse and sidestep I’ve heard from him over the last month. “It’s easier like this, isn’t it?”
His eyes flash. “I wouldn’t call this easy.”
“But it is. For you, it is. Better end it now before you get in too deep and risk hurting, right? You’re so used to distancing yourself from any sort of feeling that you don’t even realize you’re doing it anymore. You watch clips of movies because you don’t want to get invested in a stupid story. You skipped vacation with your parents because it’s easier to love them at a distance than up close. You settled for fun with me because it made you feel like there wasn’t a risk. But I won’t sit here and listen to you diminish what I feel because you’re scared of what might happen.” His jaw clenches tight as I search his face. I can see it there, in the press of his mouth. He’s still afraid—even with me—and that hurts almost as much as everything else. That despite everything, he isn’t willing to try.
“I could let myself love you so easily, Aiden,” I whisper. My words hit him like a bulldozer. His eyelashes flutter against his cheeks. His hands curl into fists. He sucks in a sharp breath and holds it in his lungs before releasing it again. For a second, I see the boy who looped an empty key ring on a chain and called it a lucky charm. Then his eyes shutter, and he’s the man who doesn’t believe in anything.
I press my lips together. “I won’t be scared away. I know what this is. I can feel it,” I say. With every touch, every laugh, every glance he shoots in my direction, Ifeelit. I try to smile, but it falls flat. I’m trying so damn hard not to cry. “I can be brave enough for the both of us. I can make my own magic. You just have to give me a reason to.”
His mouth opens and then snaps shut. He looks terrified. His eyes are blown wide, the lines of his body in rigid precision. He really didn’t expect me to feel anything other than convenience, and the reality of it makes my chest hurt.
Aiden never stopped believing in love. He forgot how to. He built a fortress around his heart to protect himself and lost the key somewhere along the way.
“Give me a reason to, Aiden.”
We stare at each other. I wait for him to say something, but he’s silent. The music player skips to the next song. From my headphones, I hear the tinny, faraway sound of the same Louis Armstrong song I requested our first night together. I almost laugh.
We’re ending where we started, I guess.
I start collecting the things I’ve left on my side of the desk over the past month. My notepad. My candies. A few hair ties. A pale blue Post-it Note with the worst smiley face I’ve ever seen doodled in the corner. I hesitate, then remember the low rumble of his laugh when he drew it, and grab it with the rest of my stuff. I slip everything in my bag and stand from my chair.
“Lucie. No.” Aiden’s hand curls around my wrist, holding me still. “Don’t go.”
I stare hard at his fingers against my skin, how his thumb traces over the delicate vein on the inside of my wrist. I can hear the thread of apprehension in his voice. It’s all hinting at what he feels about me, but it’s not enough. I need the words. I told myself I wouldn’t settle and that applies to this feeling with Aiden too.
“Tonight is my last show. I know you probably feel like I’m punishing you, but I’m—” I press my lips against the tremble vibrating in my bones and compose myself. Brave. I can be brave. “Not wanting me to go isn’t the same as wanting me to stay. I want you, Aiden. No one else. You decide what happens next, okay?”
I tug myself out of his hold before I give in to the temptation to make it easier for him. His fingertips trace down the palm of my hand, along the ridges of my knuckles until the last possible second. Like he can’t help himself. Like he wants to hold on.
“My feelings aren’t going to change,” I tell him quietly. “You let me know when you’re ready to talk. I’ll be”—I swallow, my heart in my throat—”I’ll be listening.”
AIDEN VALENTINE:Colin? You still there?
COLIN PARKS:Yeah! I’m here.
COLIN PARKS:You left me on hold for like seventeen minutes, man.
AIDEN VALENTINE:I’m, uh, I’m sorry. Something came up.
AIDEN VALENTINE:Lucie had to go.
COLIN PARKS:Oh. That’s too bad.
[pause]
COLIN PARKS:Is she coming back?
AIDEN VALENTINE:I don’t think so, Colin.
COLIN PARKS:She still wants to go on that date, right?
AIDEN VALENTINE:I think I messed up, Colin.
COLIN PARKS:With the date, or . . .
AIDEN VALENTINE:With everything.
