Page 76 of Business Casual
“I know it’s hard to believe, Nova, but I can be a polite, mature person.”
“Not with me,” I say. “With me, you’re just yourself. You don’t try to be anything other than Charlie.”
And that’s the painful rub of it, I think. The part that chafes. Last night in a kitchen that was too small to contain the whole of him, Charlie was more himself with me than he’s ever been. He didn’t try to shape himself into anything other than exactly who he is. An honest, kind man. No fancy clothes or quippy comebacks. No flirtation or innuendo. Just Charlie and the person he is beneath everything else. He dropped the performance.
And then this morning, he showed up at my shop and acted like it never happened.
“I’m trying to—” He huffs, eyes flashing. “I’m trying to do what you want.”
“And what do I want?”
“I wish I fucking knew!” It explodes out of him in a rush, frantic energy crackling like bursts of static. “I wish I knew what you wanted, Nova. That would make all of this a hell of a lot easier.”
“I want you to be normal with me.”
“And what is normal, huh?” He drags his palm along his freshly shaven jaw. His gaze holds mine, frustration in the lines by his eyes. “What’s normal for us, Nova? Sometimes we argue, sometimes we laugh, but most of the time, you can’t stand the sight of me.”
“That’s not true,” I tell him.
“Isn’t it?” He steps closer until I’m pressed against the brick wall, his chest brushing against mine. I suck in a breath. “I like you, Nova, but I’ve got no fucking clue what normal looks like for us. I’m not being different on purpose. I’m just…I’m trying to hold myself together around you.”
My chest feels fit to burst. Everything is hanging on by a thread. The shop, the fight with my brother, Charlie and all the things I don’t want to be feeling. I’m being tugged in too many directions and it’s all of my own doing. Why is this so hard for me? Why do I tuck myself in these carefully constrained boxes? Why do I put…all of this pressure on myself to be perfect in every single way?
Why do I feel like if I want too many things, I’m going to lose all of it?
My heart thunders in my chest. I tip my head back and stare at Charlie, letting go of all the things I should and should not be thinking and feeling and doing. I let myself be right here. In this spot. With him.
I let myself want.
“Well, stop it,” I breathe.
Charlie looks at me, exhausted, one hand anchored against the back of his neck. He releases it with a sigh and props himself against the wall at my side, his palm against the brick, his long body slouched in exasperation. Loose lines and slumped shoulders.
“Sure, all right,” he says. “What should I stop?”
“Stop holding yourself together,” I tell him, and then I do exactly what I’ve wanted to do every single time I’ve seen him since he left me in my bed with a Post-it note smiley face and a hickey on my neck. I do the thing I told myself I wasn’t allowed to do.
I press up on my toes, cup Charlie’s face in my hands, and I kiss him.
17
NOVA
It takes hima second.
I stand there on my tiptoes with my mouth pressed to his and I wait, both of my hands cupped gently around his jaw. I suck on his bottom lip, and he makes a sound low in his throat. I brush my tongue there and he shudders out a sigh.
Respond, I beg with my mouth against his.Show me I’m not the only one who feels like this.
My nails scratch through his hair and he shudders. I lean back to breathe, my nose brushing his, my eyes clenched tight.
I wait.
And then Charlie drags my mouth back to his and kisses me like he wants to devour me.
He’s messy with it, desperate, the hand on the back of my neck trembling. But I’m just as needy, arching away from the wall to press my body to his, a moan whimpered into his mouth when he grips me tight and pushes me right back against the brick.
“Nova,” he whispers against the corner of my mouth, a shaky exhale. “You said you wanted a one-time thing.”
