Page 31 of Let's Call a Truce
I’d been in love only once in my life. On the surface, it looked nothing like this thing with Ben. It was full of shy giggles, squealing with my dormmates over dates, and a teenage optimism that was out of reach to me now. Jason and I went from strangers to soulmates over the course of a few weeks and never looked back—until he was gone, and all I could do was look back.
Now I had sarcastic grins instead of giggles, sparring instead of squealing, and the pessimism of a widow unsure if it was possible to feel love again.
But I couldn’t deny the deeper feelings underneath those interactions. I’d spent years calling the swirling sensation in my stomach anger and anxiety when I knew it was more complicated than that. Just like with Jason, I felt a constant urge to be around Ben, to hear his thoughts and share my own. It had manifested as bickering, but even through the arguments, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It only took a week of civility to have me imagining what we might be like together if I let us try.
And that kiss.
It would be all or nothing for us. Either we’d fall in love or explode like a supernova. I was thankful for the weekend to decide if I was ready to jump into something that could be real.
Saturday morning started early for the Ryan family. For once, there was a field trip on a weekend. The second-grade classeswere headed to the Environmental Studies Center, lovingly dubbed the Mud Walk by all the local families. We were, literally, going on a mud walk, a three-mile hike through a Florida swamp to learn about the ecosystem. Parents were obsessive about getting a chaperoning spot. I imagined them all sitting over their phones, waiting to call in like an early aughts teen trying to get Backstreet Boys tickets. My spot was safe thanks to Gabriela, who put me on the list before it even opened.
The only problem was that Clara’s soccer game held a permanent spot on our Saturday mornings. Thankfully, Auntie Asia came to the rescue, more than willing to cheer her on from the sidelines as I hiked through the mud. The two of them headed off to her game after one more good-luck hug and kiss. I made Asia promise to take an absurd number of pictures and text me a play-by-play.
“Ready to go, sweet pea?” I asked Sophie as she bounded down the hallway. In the car she talked animatedly about the day while getting herself buckled in.
“This is going to be the best. Clara said it’s so much fun. We’re all going to getcoveredin mud! But it’s okay. I grabbed one of Clara’s shirts so mine won’t get dirty. Chloe said she’s going to sneak some mud down Ethan’s shirt. She says it’s cause he’s gross, but I think it’s cause she likes him. And I’m so excited for you to meet Paris. She’s my best best best friend of all time.”
I laughed. She had a new best best best friend every few weeks. I flashed back to our last family vacation before we lost Jason. While waiting for our flight, Sophie made friends with another little girl waiting for her own. The two of them clung to each other when it came time to board, sobbing about losing their best friend in the whole wide world.
I had heard a lot about Paris, enough that Sophie wanted to join soccer to play with her. Four years of her sister playing, she never once wanted to play. We were at the field every weekend, and I am pretty sure she had never even sat and watched a game.
I tuned back into her babbling just in time to hear her say, “… and she says her dad is the nicest dad in the whole world, and he’s really cute and doesn’t have a girlfriend.” I looked in the rearview mirror to see her smiling at me.
“That’s too bad for him.” The look I sent her said this conversation was over.
“I was thinking if you married her dad, then we could be sisters.”
“That’s true. But remember, Sophie, I told you to stop trying to set me up with people.”
I refused to engage in the conversation beyond that. She had taken it upon herself to fix me up many times. Clara was older when we lost Jason, but Sophie was barely old enough to form permanent memories when he died. She seemed more intrigued by the idea of a dad than anything, and I didn’t know how to keep Jason an active memory for her when everything was fading.
In the parking lot, she hopped out the moment the car was in park, sprinting into the school to her classroom. I laughed, gathering everything together. She’d miss her change of clothes when she had to ride the bus home covered in mud.
“Where’s your mom?” Gabriela asked her.
“She’s just slow, Miss Mendoza.”
I called out from the doorway. Gabriela squealed and rushed to hug me, acting like it had been years since we saw each other rather than a week ago.
She dropped her voice low. “I’m so happy you’re here. The room mom this year is nowhere near as fun as you. She is so buttoned-up. Every time I make a joke, she stares at me like I have snakes for hair.”
“God, I wish I could be back with you,” I said. “Thank you for snagging me a chaperoning spot.”
“Of course. I’d rather you than anyone else. We have a big group, the same people who are always here. But there isone new addition. A single dad, which we almost never see in here.”
I knew where this was going before she took her next breath. Between Sophie, Gabriela, and her grandmother, I didn’t think I would ever get a break. “Juliana, you have to see this guy. I swear, he looks like he walked straight out of a superhero movie. All tall and buff.” She groaned and then caught herself. “And his eyes. I could stare at that man all day.”
“Gabriela, you are a happily engaged woman.”
She laughed, nudging my shoulder. “True, but you’re not.”
Her words made me seize up. I looked down at my left hand, noticing for the first time the tan line from my wedding ring had faded. The realization landed like a punch to the gut.
“Oh my god, honey, I am so sorry. I didn’t even think, and that was such a terrible thing to say.” She pulled me into a hug, and I focused on my friend instead of the stab of grief. It always popped up at the worst times. “We made shirts for all the chaperones. Why don’t you take yours into the bathroom to change?”
I headed to the bathroom with my new shirt, giving myself the time it took to change to wallow in the unfairness of life. Gabriela shouldn’t be determined to tell me about a hot single dad, because I should be happily married. Asia shouldn’t have to take Clara to her game, because Jason should have been there. I let myself feel those feelings for three minutes, then packed them away so I could be the active parent I promised myself I would be.
I came out, adjusting the frumpy T-shirt over my old and stretched-out leggings. The Mud Walk took no prisoners, and I wasn’t sacrificing my nice workout gear. As I walked over, I spotted another adult with Gabriela. His back was to me, but I recognized the broad shoulders and silky hair that curled at the base of his neck. His height, which was always dominating, looked almost comical with kids running around him. The pairof blue joggers he wore showed off his perfect ass. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to kick it or take a bite out of it.
