Page 65 of Let's Call a Truce
The doors of the elevator opened, and Ben started down the hallway at a brisk pace.
“You didn’t seem to feel the same way when Mike was hitting on me outside of Niran’s restaurant.”
He stopped, turning to face me outside of his door. “The guy was being an aggressive jerk. Your body language was clearly uncomfortable, and I was trying to help you out of the situation with as little conflict as possible.”
“I thought it was a little more personal than that.”
Ben stepped closer until there were only inches between us, forcing me to look up to meet his eyes.
“You know what I want. But I want you to choose it. That’s your right. And I don’t want you to pick me because I scared off all the competition. I want you to pick me because you feel the same way I do every time I look at you.”
I stared up at him, drowning in the depths of his gaze. But before I could get my head above water to speak, he turned toward his hotel room.
“Aren’t we going to talk?” I blurted out.
I studied the way his muscles shifted under his dress shirt before he turned back to me. “I can’t have you half in, Juliana. I need you to be sure. And I don’t think you are.”
He slipped inside his room, leaving me in the hallway.
I ran my hands over my face and up through my hair, my body still vibrating from the energy between us.
My mind flashed back nine years to a conversation with Jason. It was a few months after Clara had been born, and I had finally gotten her to sleep. I plopped down on the couch next to him, all nervous energy.
“Okay, here are the things I need you to promise me if I die.” His booming laugh echoed through the house, and I jumped to shush him. “I swear to god, if you wake that child, I am leaving this house for the night and you can deal with it.”
“I’m sorry.” Jason quieted the volume but kept laughing. “That was so fucking dark.”
“To be fair, I grew up watching movies where they killed off the mom and then the daughters were treated terribly. I know they ended up princesses, but let’s just talk now and skip the trauma for Clara, right?”
He shook his head but gestured for me to go on. I launched into my absurdly long list. Everything from not being weird when she would get her period to playing Christmas music all December long.
“Okay. That’s all I can think of. For now. You know there will be more later, but you also knew who I was before you married me, so that’s kind of on you. What about you?”
“What if I die?” He looked off to think.
Had this thought not occurred to him? The question had been on a constant, anxious loop in my head since the moment Clara was placed in my arms. Maybe it was the changing hormones or the combined six hours of sleep in the last three days or the stress of being the sole provider of sustenance for another human being as a breastfeeding mom. But I felt this compulsion to outline everything, like if I didn’t, I was daring the universe to take advantage of my lack of preparation.
“I know you’ll do all the things you listed, obviously.” He gave me a pointed look, and I smiled back, unashamed. “The only thing I can think of is when you start dating. I wouldn’t want you to be alone forever, but when you do, I have requests. He will love you, of course,but make sure he’s willing to take on Clara, too. He needs to be someone who wants to be your partner in it, not just who tolerates her for your sake. And make sure he makes you laugh. You can get so caught up in your to-do list and forget to have fun. That’s what I’m here for.”
“Because you are the funniest man in the world?”
“Clearly.” His eyes danced as he pulled me to his side.
The memory faded, and I was left standing in the hallway of our hotel alone.
He was right.
I was way too young to spend the rest of my life alone. Rationally, I’d known this for years. But understanding the concept of eventually building a life with another person was much less intimidating than the practice. I hadn’t allowed myself to feel anything, and the first time I did, I bolted the other way. Ben had called me out on it, but I didn’t let myself hear it. As I stood frozen, thinking about my husband’s words, I realized Ben wasn’t just anyone. He was exactly the sort of person Jason described.
I had seen so many sides of this man. He was loving and kind. He built me up, championing my success. He teased me and challenged me on my bullshit like no one else. He already cared about my girls and wanted to be a part of their lives. He was the sort of man who would build a life with me without ever expecting me to lessen myself to make him feel better.
Before I could second-guess myself, I knocked on his door. It swung open a heartbeat later, like he hadn’t been able to bring himself to move farther into his room. He didn’t speak, just stared at me expectantly.
“I met my husband on the first day of college at eighteen.” I fidgeted under his stare. He didn’t speak, watching me with guarded eyes. “We started dating right away, and we never broke up. Not once. Not even for a day after a fight as teenagers. I haven’t done this, starting a relationship, in almost eighteen years. And honestly, it scares the shit out of me.”
Ben stayed silent, forcing me to say what he needed to hear. I made myself meet his gaze, finding it soft and affectionate.
“I try to seem like I have everything together. My girls need that from me. The truth is I’m a mess who’s trying to keep moving day-to-day. The idea of opening myself up to a relationship and the hurt that can come with it is fucking terrifying. But I don’t want my fear to stop me. I want to do this. I want you. If you’ll have me.”
