Page 29 of Let's Call a Truce
“I see you are not married. How is a woman as beautiful as you still single?”
“Lola!” Gabriela cut in with a shake of her head.
“What? All of you girls are so sensitive these days. I’m not allowed to ask questions about anything anymore.”
“Lola, please.”
Gabriela’s eyes flashed back and forth between us, her face lined with panic as she tried to figure out how to handle this.
“Asking why she is not married should not be a problem. I am trying to figure it out so I can help her.”
Gabriela jumped in, speaking rapidly in Tagalog. I couldn’t speak a word of the language myself but didn’t need to understand to know what was being said.Poor, sad Juliana lost her husband and now is all alone with two kids to care for and no one to love her.Victoria’s face transformed from annoyed to shocked to pitying and uncomfortable, and I fought back an inappropriate laugh. People were so damn predictable.
It was the discomfort that was the most frustrating for me. The topic was unavoidable in my life, so whenever I met someone new and had to go through that bit of personal history, I watched closely to see how they reacted.
People don’t enjoy talking about sad things. They think avoiding the topic will keep me from thinking about it, but grieving never stops, at least not entirely. He was such a huge part of my life and my heart, and I wasn’t going to stop thinking about him because he wasn’t here anymore.
But, as a people pleaser, I always pushed the topic to the back of my mind, choosing their comfort over my own. I would talk about Jason with others if they were open to it. Sharing the stories tightened my chest but also brought a smile to my face.
“It’s okay.” Victoria’s light Tagalog accent was smooth and comforting. I experienced a moment of relief when it seemed like she was going to let the subject drop. Then she kept talking. “The children will make it somewhat more difficult, but I never shy away from a challenge. With a face like yours, I’ll find you a husband in no time.”
“Lola,” Gabriela screamed. She pointed an accusing finger at her grandmother, but we all saw the small smile fighting to get out. At a certain point, you have to laugh.
I thanked her for the sentiment but excused us, saying it was time to open presents, and dragged Gabriela to the front of the room. It may have come from a good place, but I was not looking to become a Filipino grandmother’s new project. Gabriela spent every step apologizing for the interrogation.
An hour of opening presents later, the attendees were comatose. Gabriela still sat at the front of the room after finally opening the last present, thanking everyone for their gifts and for supporting her during this exciting time of their lives. She deserved every moment of her happiness, and I tried to fight off the unfair surge of jealousy within me.
A vision flashed before my eyes. I was the one in a white sundress, over a decade younger, and beaming as the women in my life showered me with gifts. The frown lines between my eyes were nowhere to be found, and I couldn’t see a hint of those pesky rogue grays that were popping up with alarming frequency. As I thanked everyone for coming, Jason slipped in behind me. One arm brought a bouquet of my favorite light pink tulips down in front of my face, while the other came around my shoulders. I squealed as he kissed my cheek, overflowing with love for anyone to see.
The memory faded, leaving my friend where she had been sitting. Tears swam in my eyes, and I tried to blink them away before Gabriela could see. Of course, she turned to look at me at that moment, and her tranquil face transformed into one of concern as she rushed over to me.
“Juliana, are you okay?”
“I am just so happy for you.” I was only half lying, and I pulled her into a tight hug to give myself a minute to pull it together. “You are going to have such a beautiful life.” I gave her one last squeeze before letting her go.
There was plenty to do to occupy my mind, breaking down decorations and tables, packaging up leftovers, and taking out the extensive trash sixty women can make in a few hours. I was thankful for the extra hands as her family pitched in. I avoided Victoria, though the thoughtful way she eyed me across the room made me question whether I’d actually escaped her plotting or had just been granted a reprieve.
“Are you doing okay?” Asia asked on our drive home.
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t have to lie to me, you know.”
My beautiful, loving best friend was the exception to the rule, a person I met after I lost Jason, who never shied away from hard conversations. She had heard endless stories and brought him up like he wasn’t a dirty secret to hide.
“I had a bit of a moment near the end there. But it wasn’t as bad as I expected. I miss him every day, but the memories are more comforting than triggering now.”
It was the truth, like a warm hug no one else could see. A presence always in the background, but not threatening. I hadn’t had a panic attack over losing him in a year, and I wondered what that meant for me. He would never leave me as long as I lived, but I might finally be in a place where his loss didn’t cripple me.
Maybe it meant I was finally ready to open myself up to something new.
Chapter 10
The next weekflew by. My time had been dominated by the internship program, and now that we had a general plan in place, I needed to catch up on my regular work responsibilities. Mind-numbing screening interviews filled my days.
Applicant Dud Number 478 sat in front of her camera, barely paying attention to the questions I asked her. “What would you consider your greatest weakness?”
“Oh, it’s definitely that I am a perfectionist. I work too hard, and it can stress me out. But it is only because I want to give the best work possible for my company.”
