Page 100 of Let's Call a Truce
I chuckled, and he finally stopped his pacing, facing me as the corner of his mouth twitched in response. He looked down at me, and his dark eyes were pulling me under again.
His smile faded as his eyes raked over my face. “I think it felt like a competition to her. It’s probably why she’s stuck around as long as she has, trying to prove she could steal me away from you.” He risked another step closer, bringing us a foot apart and forcing me to crane my neck to maintain eye contact. “But there is nothing she or anyone else could do to make me stop loving you.”
I sucked in a sharp breath, and his eyes softened.
“I’m free, Juliana,” he said in a whisper that I felt through every inch of my body.
The offer was clear. I could have him if I wanted. And I believed him, trusted that he wanted forever with me. But I also understood, better than anyone, that love was no guarantee of forever.
I had sorted out how to act as a functioning human with this new pain. I’d glued my heart back together. It was messy and ugly but it worked, like a repaired mug you could use but constantly had to watch for leaks. How many times could it shatter before it was completely useless, the shards ground to dust?
I couldn’t afford to be useless.
I shifted back, moving an infinitesimal amount that felt like miles. “I’m happy for you, Ben.”
Those dark lashes that had haunted my dreams for the past few years blinked quickly as he registered my words. “Happy forus.Right?”
I raised my chin, forcing myself to hold his gaze but unable to force anything out of my mouth that wouldn’t end up with me tearfully begging him to figure out a way to make it work, to fix us. Fix me.
He let out a shuddering breath. “Please, baby. Please don’t do this.”
I pulled on the last dregs of my strength, on all the times I’d been forced to keep it together. Through acquaintances, more curious than sympathetic, wanting to know how I was doing after Jason died. The meetings I had to sit through with Ben watching me. On all the times I held back tears for either man because my kids needed strength, not a flood.
“It’s already done. Let’s just keep moving forward,” I forced the words out of my mouth.
Ben’s eyes filled with tears and he took my hand. “Please, Juliana. I fucked up so bad. I know. And I know I don’t deserve you. You’re so far out of my league you might as well be in a different galaxy. But I know I can make you happy. I’ll be everything you need and I’ll never give you another reason to doubt me for the rest of our lives. Please.”
He’d make me happy until he didn’t, and then he’d leave me broken beyond repair.
“It’s easier like this,” I said quietly, studying the swirling design on the hotel carpet.
A pessimistic laugh escaped his throat. “What about this feels easy?”
Nothing.
I forced my eyes back to him, feeling like my internal organs were being held in a death grip. But I had to manage this hurt. Cut out the threat like an amputation. I may spend the rest of my life with the phantom limb of my feelings for him, but at least I’d live.
“I’m sorry, Ben.”
He didn’t say anything else. I stepped back into my room and let the door swing shut, my eyes glued to the tears that ran down his cheeks until the heavy wood cut us off from each other.
Then I let my own tears come.
Chapter 33
My eyelids weremade of sandpaper. I’d had at least twenty cups of water but still felt dehydrated from all the crying.
Someone knocked at the door. I blindly reached for my phone, seeing it was just before eleven. Housekeeping shouldn’t be here. I had crawled out of bed around 6A.M.to throw theDO NOT DISTURBsign on the door, then called down and begged for a late checkout so I didn’t have to leave this bed again for the foreseeable future. Our flight wasn’t until this evening, so I should have at least a couple more hours of self-pity.
“Come back later, please,” I called out as they knocked again.
“Open the door, Juls.” Quinn’s voice snuck under the door and into my cocoon, ruining all my plans.
“No,” I yelled back, slinking underneath the blankets.
“Don’t make me go down and force the poor front-desk guy to give me a key. He’ll get fired, and that’ll be on your conscience.”
I groaned and dragged myself out of the bed toward the door, pivoting on my heel as I yanked it open and headed back to my nest without sparing her a glance.
