Page 40 of Love on the Tracks
And now my love, you can lay your head down to sleep.
When you wake, I will stay beside you till they write my epitaph,
I want to offer you my hand, maybe hold the other half.
The things you hold on your shoulders, the things that you do,
You need to know I’m in pure awe of you.
Sleep sweet my darling, sleep sweet tonight,
I will hold you through the morning’s early light.
Sleep sweet my angel, sleep sweet my star.
I will love you wherever you are.
You’re mine to hold, you’re mine to keep.
I’ll keep you close while you sleep the sweetest sleep.
As the song’s ending, a hand lands on my shoulder. My dad’s standing there, hair still wet, but he’s dressed, and staring at the TV.
“What on earth—”
“That’s what I was wondering.”
Zane finishes up his song and the hosts go crazy. He holds his guitar like a shield, and I can imagine why. How much trouble is he going to be in for doing this? Did he tell the guys before he came on this morning? How completely fucked is LtG going to be?
He doesn’t look sorry, though. Not at all. Mostly he looks like he’d do it again in a heartbeat, all the while knowing what it could cost him. Determined. My knight. The hosts talk the show into a commercial break, but I’m still standing there. “I thought you said he—”
“I lied.”
My father’s voice is flat, and the confession makes me duck out from his touch. “How could you?”
“That boy is a distraction. He cost you a medal, and he could have cost you your life.”
He thinks Zane is the reason I came in fifth and all I’ve got is a concussion to show for it? “He did no such thing. All he’s done is be supportive of me, given me anything I wanted or needed and handed me the reins. Never once did he try to pressure me into spending more time with him. Never once did he make me feel guilty when I said I had to go. He’s been perfect. What are you upset about, anyway? This was your idea!”
The fire of the righteous is in me now, and though I’ve never raised my voice to my father in my life, I’m yelling now.
“This—” My father’s arms windmill, encompassing I don’t even know what. “This was not my idea. My idea was you’d spend a few minutes, maybe an hour with this guy for a few days, he’d sell some records, you’d get a better sponsorship deal, and at the end of the day we’d all go home and it would be over. I didn’t expect . . .”
“You didn’t expect me to like him? Or you didn’t expect him to like me? You can’t tell me you’re shocked I stayed over with him. You said it yourself, this is what I do at competitions, and you never give a shit.”
My father’s mouth is a tight line as he shakes his head, and doesn’t meet my gaze. “I’m not, and I don’t. I know competition is the one of the few times when you cut loose, and I expected you to find some guy. What I didn’t expect is for him to have wormed his way into your heart. You can’t let him ruin everything, Rowan. We’ve worked so hard, given up so much. I don’t care how big a rock star he is, he’s still not worth it.”
He’s right. If Zane were just a rock star, he wouldn’t be worth it. He’s so much more than that, though. He’s smart and sweet, funny and considerate, and it doesn’t hurt that we’re so well-matched in bed.
“I don’t want to choose and I don’t think I have to. I don’t want to wake up when this ride is over and realize it was the only thing I had. I’m not going to give up, and I want to go to Trondheim in four years, but I don’t see why I can’t do that and keep seeing Zane. You think he’s toying with me, and I can’t say I didn’t worry the same thing, but you have no idea what he just did. Singing that song on national television could be the end of his career, and he did it for me. So the least I can do is talk to him.”
Confusion colors my father’s face. “What do you mean, he could have ended his career?”
I don’t want to take the time to explain because my fingers are itching for my phone, but maybe explaining will make things easier. My dad has always been there for me, always tried to do what’s best, and just because he fucked up—even this badly—doesn’t mean I don’t want him in my life. There’d be a giant gaping hole in my heart if I didn’t have him anymore. If I want Zane too, they’re going to have to learn how to play nice. The sacrifice Zane made will endear Zane to my father’s heart, and my dad will have to figure out how to get back in Zane’s good graces.
“He’s been asking his label about a solo career for years, and they’ve turned him down every time. They didn’t want to take attention and money away from LtG. If he did it anyway, he’d be in violation of his contract and he’d royally piss off his label. That’s what he did. That song was for me and he put his livelihood on the line to do it. Still think he’s not worthy?”
I haven’t noticed it before, but my dad is getting old. Greying at the temples, with the lines around his eyes and mouth getting deeper. He looks tired, worn thin. It occurs to me perhaps this isn’t just about sliding.
