Page 61 of Anarchy at Prescott High (The Havoc Boys 4)
“Bernie,” Vic says, and his voice is as soft as it ever is, just for me. I can feel down to my bones that this voice, this sound, is reserved for me and me alone. It’s mine. I don’t ever have to share it, and I know for a fact that not a single other woman on this earth has ever heard it. “You called Havoc for a reason. Kali was your girl, your friend, almost a sister. You lost a sister once already. I’m sure it was hard, losing another. It didn’t have to be by your hands, you know that. Why you made the choice to go after her, I don’t know that I understand it.”
I just keep staring at the shower wall, so I don’t have to look at Victor’s face.
He stands there for so long that I’m forced to look back. His sheer force of will is astounding; his patience is beyond epic.
“I’m struggling, Vic,” I admit, turning back to him with a frown on my face. If my eyes are filled with sadness, at least I’m not crying. “I thought … I guess I thought I was a badass?” I tilt my head to the side as I ask the question and Victor chuckles, reaching out a hand to run his HAVOC tatted knuckles down my cheek.
“You are a badass, Bernie. Stop trying so hard and you’ll see that. You don’t have to prove anything, not to me or anyone else in Havoc.” He slides his thumb over my mouth and then pulls his arm back, nice and slow and careful, like he’s afraid he might just jump in here and fuck me into the wall.
“I talked a big game, Vic,” I whisper, my hand shaking as I toss the sponge into the bathtub by my feet. “In my head, I was sure I was going to do it. I wanted to taste blood. I wanted it so damn badly. I wanted that crown.” I grit my teeth hard and shake my head, reaching my fingers up to dig in my hair. “And I know I can wear it. I know I can.” I look over at him, his handsome face peaceable and so fucking handsome I want to cry.
“You can, you will,” he tells me, dressed in a black wifebeater and jeans. It could be any other day, couldn’t it? But it’s not. It’s Christmas Day today, not a holiday I usually look forward to.
The reason is that a holiday like this is always a disappointment. Penelope and I, we used to look forward to it so much when my dad was alive. There were presents and big dinners and driving around town to look at Christmas lights.
With Pamela and Neil … I remember one Christmas, when I was ten years old, we had a party at the house. There was no tree, no presents, just coolers full of beer and some haphazard lights tacked to the walls. The only food in the house was for the party, but Pamela wouldn’t let me eat it. I remember sneaking handfuls of chips and then getting so sick that I threw up in the middle of the living room.
All my mother did was laugh at me.
“You’re in your head, Bernie,” Vic warns me, and I look up at him. “Tell me what you’re thinking. Despite what you might think, I want to know. I want to know every fucking thing there is to know about you.”
I stare at him for so long that I’m not even sure if he’s real anymore.
“I hate Pamela,” I tell him, and he nods. Pretty sure he knew that already, but maybe he doesn’t know that the reason I threw the tape dispenser against the wall so hard it broke last night was because I’m sad, too. Underneath all of that vengeance is the pain of a little girl. “I hate Christmas.”
“You’re the one that wanted a tree,” he tells me, but we both know that the tree isn’t for me. It’s for Heather, and Kara, and Ashley. “I hope you like sappy, stupid, sentimental presents because I’m pretty sure they all got you one.” My lips twitch at the irritated edge to his voice. We both know that when he says they all, he’s not talking about the girls. No, he’s talking about my beautifully broken Havoc Boys, himself included, I’m sure. I can’t imagine Victor would let the other guys buy me presents if he hadn’t already done so.
“And you?” I ask, but Vic just gives me this inscrutable sort of look. “You did.”
“Finish up and get that sexy ass out of the shower,” he tells me, shaking his head and running his fingers through his hair as I laugh. He totally bought me something, probably wrapped it, too. “I can’t look at you anymore without doing something I really shouldn’t do to you right now.
