Page 167 of Devils' Day Party
Because as soon as we’re done, and I’m sure they’re all asleep, I untangle my limbs from theirs and make my way to the mouth of the Devils’ Den.Somebody has to die tonight, I think as I stand at the edge of the spring and stare down at the cool, black surface of the water, smooth as glass. No matter what I do, how I play my cards, somebody dies.
Sometimes, it's Luke. Sometimes, it's Calix. Oftentimes, it's Pearl.
But the universe demands balance for all of her gifts, and as I stand there, staring down at the dark water and my pale reflection, I know that she has to be paid. Somebody has to sacrifice their life to get things going again, put the timeline right again. The longer I put this off, the more everyone suffers; they're all very clearly living this day over and over with me. The thing is, I'm the only one that remembers it. I'm the only one who can make this conscious choice.
Sitting down on the edge of the water, I put my feet in, letting the long train of my skirt float around my ankles like the fins of an exotic fish as I stare down at the glittery reflection of my mask, with its strange antlers.
The water is freezing cold, but I figure that's for the best. Maybe hypothermia will speed the process?
I don't want to do this, I think as a few stray tears slide down my face, slipping out from under the mask and plopping into the smooth surface of the water like raindrops, creating ripples that shimmer and dance in the light from the lantern.
The Knight Crew set these up to bring light into the darkness, and now I'm using one to call it quits. It's beyond depressing. For so long, I've just been trying to make it from one day to the next, without realizing that there's no end goal worth sacrificing the present for. I should've been living from day one, just … living.
With a small sob, I take the rocks I dragged in from outside, and I tie one to each ankle with the rope I brought, like macabre little Christmas presents. Then another two to my waist. I thought about other ways to do this, but they were all equally ghoulish, equally horrible. The thought of falling into the cool, dark embrace of the earth seemed like the least traumatizing way to go.
I can't believe that I'm doing this, I think, but then, I tried every other possible way. I've had so many perfect days, but somebody always pays the price for my happiness. There is no other way. Lifting my gaze up to the ceiling, I can see the stalactites above me, the reflection of the water dancing on the rock.
Thoughts of my mothers dance in my head, the way they always stay up late on Friday nights with wineglasses in their hands and an old movie on the TV. Even though I'm a senior now, they don't mind if I sneak out to join them, curling up like a child between the two of them and nodding off to the soft murmur of their voices.
My sisters will cry, I'm sure, but they're so young … they'll be okay, right? Because I can't even seem to sacrifice Pearl to save myself. If she dies, then her kid is left with the Knight family, and she'll never get a chance to fight for something better. I know what it's like to be bullied and pushed and targeted.
Except … I've had a chance to learn, to fix my mistakes, to realize what I've been missing all along.
If Pearl dies, she will never get the opportunities that I got.
“Happy Devils' Day,” I whisper as I think about Luke and April, dancing in the shadows of the bonfire and laughing together. They'll move to New Orleans after they graduate, I bet. And I bet Thad will join them, just as April says he will. Their friendship will mature and grow as they evolve to handle life's challenges. I want to be there with them, I think as I push myself off the edge of the shore and into the water.
It's hard not to struggle as I sink below the surface, my hair floating around my face in a purple tangle, the pins in the rose crown keeping it in place. It's likely the boys will be the ones to find me here, and even though it's too wet to be sure, I'm almost positive that I'm crying.
The rocks tied to my ankles hit the bottom of the spring as bubbles escape my gently parted lips. I try to take a breath, but my body won't let me pull in water, not of my own accord. I have to wait.
Calix's dark eyes, his smile so warm when he finally gives it, his hands skimming across my bare skin. And Raz … so angry and broken, but so smart, so desperate for someone to look his way and see him beneath all his bullshit. Barron, the quiet enigma, and the butterfly necklace that even now floats in the dark water with me, escorting me to the grave.
