Page 39 of Altered By Lead (Undercover Sinners 2)
“Something wrong?” Natalia asks after I’ve been silent for too long. Another thing I need to work on: learning to use my words. She reaches out a small hand and places it on the back of one of mine, sending violent shocks of need through me. If I weren’t driving …
"Nothing," I mutter back. She makes me so nervous, and I can't find the words to bullshit away the grimace that crosses my face. Fuck, now she probably thinks I'm going to dump her in the middle of nowhere as a survival test or some shit. Sounds like something Hawke would cook up in his current mood.
She huffs a sigh, propping her face on her hand as she looks out the window. "Whatever, Mace."
Her words are quiet, but the bitter undertone cuts me to my core.
I know I've been fucking it all up. I know this. But every time I go to talk to her, to explain everything that's been going on and try to give reasons why I've been such a cold, distant bastard, I freeze up. I can't say the words that are clawing at my throat.
I'm such a damaged fuck-up.
Silence reigns in the Hummer, and for a moment I regret having ditched Colt. At least that prick can carry a conversation no matter how tense the environment is.
Natalia brings her hand up to the side of her neck and rubs at a tense muscle there. The breathy moan that slips from her lips is almost enough to make me crash the damn car into a ditch.
"So," I start to say, then freeze when her warm caramel gaze lands on me. Fucking hell, what is it about this girl that ties me up in knots?
"So?" she repeats, arching one of those perfectly sassy brows.
I swallow, then clear my throat and try again. "So, where am I taking you?"
She frowns slightly, looking confused at my question, and I mentally pat myself on the back for my phenomenal poker face.
"Uh, I don't know," she replies, shifting in her seat a little so she faces towards me. Her teeth pull at the corner of her lip, and I desperately want to do that for her. With my own teeth. Take her small hands in mine, press her body into the mattress with my weight, kiss her until she’s breathless … Fuck her until she screams.
Shit, she's talking and I've just been staring at her mouth. Thank god the road is straight, but what have I missed?
"... need some new clothes, underwear mostly. And Weston said I could maybe get a new mattress, too? One of the springs has actually come completely through mine and scratched me the other night." She holds her arm up in the air, pulling her shapeless tank top out of the way and showing me an angry red mark below her armpit. Right near her breast.
Jesus H. Christ. I'm getting hard at just the idea of her breasts.
I need to clear my throat again before I can formulate a response. Then I frown. "You're still sleeping on the shitty old mattress that came with the place?"
From the corner of my eye, because I've wisely turned my attention back to the road, I see her roll her eyes and sigh. "Yes, I am. Because apparently I'm the only one who missed the memo about buying new shit. Or, oh yeah, getting paid."
“Mm.” I make a sound of acknowledgement, but I’m not surprised. I already knew about Hawke’s decision to withhold her pay. And I don’t like it. I argued with him, but only a little. Between Arsen’s insubordination and Natalia’s, I’m concerned about him getting pushed too far.
They haven’t seen him at his worst; I have.
"What a prick," I grunt. It was meant to be inside my head, but when Natalia barks out a cynical laugh, I decide I'm glad I said it aloud. I have no problem spending my own money on her, however, and Hawke can’t dictate what I do with my pay.
We're silent for a few moments, but it's not uncomfortable. Or, not to me. I like silence.
"What's his deal, anyway?" Natalia asks, turning her attention back to me. I can feel her eyes on me, studying me, and I kind of like it.
"Hawke?" I reply, double checking we're still talking about the same thing. He's my best friend, or as close as either of us are ever likely to get. But damn if he isn't fucking this whole thing up worse than me. That's saying something.
Natalia nods, and I try to choose my words carefully. "He's confused. He doesn't know how to act around you, so he just sticks to the only version of himself he knows he can control." I'm talking about Hawke, but this could easily apply to me, too. "After Portia, none of us ever expected to care anymore. Loving her broke us. All of us." Long forgotten pain wells up in my chest, and I clench my teeth to smother it back down. My hands tighten so much on the steering wheel that the leather creaks, and I know she notices. Natalia always notices.
