I almost miss my shallow relationship with Cody. If he'd died, I'm sure I would've cried for like a day, but then Monica would've called, and we'd be out riding the waves again. Sounds callous, but … it's true. I don't think I ever cared about Cody the way I care about Spencer. Cared about Spencer?
No.
No, care is okay. Present tense is still okay.
Until I'm standing at Spencer's funeral, laying flowers on his grave, I'm going to use present tense.
“Did you guys get a chance to check the hole in Eugene's ceiling?” I ask, and Ranger shakes his head once.
“There were cops all over the dorm. We were only allowed to hit the kitchen and go straight to our rooms or the bathroom. They looked like they might be clearing out before we left, so maybe tonight we could take a look. I'm still having trouble understanding why the assholes who attacked you would go to the trouble of sealing up that hole. I mean, it's just weird as fuck.” He sighs and stands up, stretching his arms over his head. “My head is killing me, and I swear, this weed is making me paranoid. I'm going back to my room to take a nap. Wake me up when this nightmare is over.”
He heads out the door and Church stands up to follow without a word. Almost losing one best friend … and possibly losing another, it's fucked him up royally.
“He's never going to get over this,” Micah says, and Tobias sneers. He doesn't like his twin talking about Spencer like it's already over and done with.
“If Spencer's roommate moved overseas, why was he sharing with Ranger?” I ask, the boring, mundane aspect of that question soothing me, like everything is normal, like things are good again.
“Church and Ranger are supposed to be roommates, but Church likes his space. He and Spencer switched rooms, but it's not official. They'll get written up if they're caught.” Tobias pauses.
“Well, they would've been written up, if Spencer wasn't—”
“Don't. Don't you dare.” Tobias turns over and glares at his brother across the width of my body. “If you do, I swear to god …”
“You'll what? Give me another bloody nose? I'm not afraid of you.”
“Maybe you should be,” Tobias snaps, but then I sit up suddenly, getting between them. I can't take anymore fighting.
“Please,” I whisper, my eyes brimming with tears. My hands start to shake in my lap, and Tobias frowns, leaning over to put his forehead against my shoulder. A small laugh escapes me. Well, okay, half-sob and half-laugh. “Do I stink? You can be honest.”
“Maybe just a little,” Tobias murmurs, and I can feel him smiling against my skin. “But it's okay. I don't mind. I like my girls a little musky.”
“Gross,” I murmur, pushing him away from me. Micah stands up suddenly, like he's upset, and both Tobias and I pause to look at him.
“How can you guys laugh and talk like that when you know he's gone? I don't … I don't understand …” He sits down heavily on the bench in front of my window, and gets the joint out of the old rusted tin Altoids container. He smokes a little bit and then leans his head back against the jamb of the window.
“Because we still have hope. People live off crumbs of the stuff, you know.” Tobias sits up and leans back against the headboard, mimicking his twin’s pose. “And if he is gone, you know we have to go on, right? We don't just get to check out of life. We only get one, bro. We have to live it, regardless.” Tobias licks his lips and looks away, toward the closet door. “I wasn't going to say anything out of respect for Spencer, but I kind of have a crush on Charlotte. When he comes back, he might have to fight me for her affections.”
“Oh, really?” I ask, forcing a smile through the tears. “I have a feeling he'd put up a good fight.”
“Yeah, but you know I've been training for years to fight in the ring. I could totally kick his ass. I mean, he's pretty scrappy, but—”
Micah stands up again, tossing the remainder of the joint out the window into the rain before storming off. Tobias sighs and looks back at me, green eyes half-lidded with fatigue.
“Go with him. I don't want him to be alone,” I whisper, and Tobias nods. He hesitates for a second before leaning forward and capturing my lips with his. The kiss is bittersweet as hell, but tinged with this desperate, aching warmth, so much so that I end up clinging to his shirt without even realizing that I've moved.
“I don't want to leave you alone either,” he whispers, pulling back slightly and looking me in the face. There's definitely a spark with the twins, too. I'm not sure how to process it, especially in the face of tragedy. My feelings for Spencer are clouding my judgment right now, like I can't think about Tobias or Micah when I'm so worried about him.
