Page 82 of Plaidypus
“If they were natural birds capable of shitting, an act of supreme evil, but as these are only the essence of the Canada goose and all their maliciousness, given a physical form incapable of shitting, it’s only a minor act of evil meant for the greater good.” The black stone fell from the sky, and Lucifer caught it. He brought it to me and handed it over. “This is a diamond, by the way—and the next time you encounter an angry goose, all you need to do is show it the stone to make it clear you are the queen ruling over all geese. The wise geese will do as you want. The unwise ones will hiss and honk at you before doing what you want, as while they embody maliciousness and evil, they also possess some common sense. Not much, but some.”
I stared at the stone. “This is awhat?”
“It’s a diamond.”
“It’s a diamond that cancontrol the nastiest animal on the face of the Earth?” I waved it in his face. “You just handed me a priceless artifact, one of limitless evil! What am I supposed to do with it?”
“Whatever you want,” Lucifer replied.
I flung the stone in his face, and it smack him between his eyes. A final goose popped into being and began its assault upon the Devil, who spewed curses and waved his arms in an ineffective attempt to protect himself. The black stone rolled across the ground. Leonard stood up and retrieved it, bringing it back to me. “That is the sexiest thing I’ve ever witnessed anyone do in my entire life.”
“I’m adopting you,” Darlene announced. “Just you wait and see. When you least expect it, I will be there with adoption papers, which will grant me and Lucy shared custody with your parents. They’re too nice to steal from, so I’ll have to share for once in my life.”
She would, too. “Talk to Dad about it first.”
My father laughed. “Over coffee sound good to you, ma’am?”
“That sounds great. Please bring her mother along, and we’ll make it a dinner date. Lucy loves playing human and going out for dinner, and he doesn’t get to do it nearly often enough. His little cupcake keeps breaking the restaurants because she gets flighty.”
Kanika sighed. “I’ll try to do better.”
Darlene smiled, went to her daughter, and kissed her cheek. “You don’t have to do better, baby girl. You’re fine just as you are, even when you cause ridiculous amounts of property damage because you’re still learning to cope with people who actually like you.”
“You just want me to forgive you for the cat up a tree incident,” she muttered.
“That, too.”
“You flung the money in my face.”
“Prompt payment is very important, and you successfully retrieved my kitty from the tree. You did smashingly well. But your father definitely deserves that goose to the face. I saw what he’d done.”
“I’m the Devil, damn it, not a shining bastion of purity!”
“You pinned our daughter to a tree, you asshole.”
“If I hadn’t, sheandyour cat would have fallen. That was unacceptable. Your asshole cat even fainted. I mean, to be fair, your asshole cat wasn’t expecting me to show up. I only did what I needed to do to secure their safety. I just did it in an inappropriate fashion. If I hadn’t intervened, Kanika would have hurt herself far worse, and well, nothing is capable of doing much to that damned cat.” Lucifer caught the goose by the neck, struggled with the flailing bird, and eventually pinned its wings to its sides with his arm. “If I weren’t who I am, that might have even killed me. You are naughty, Nadine.”
“I guess I’m going to hell for that one after all, aren’t I?”
“You can count on it. As punishment, you’re just going to have to share a bed with the sexy wolf. I’ll even give him plaid pajamas for your enjoyment.”
“If that is a lie, I’m going to be very disappointed,” I warned him.
“Hell, if that’s a lie, I’m going to be very disappointed,” Leonard said. “That better not be a lie. If it is, I’ll send your wife after you.”
“That’s even meaner than throwing a goose in my face,” Lucifer complained.
“Let’s just get this dog and pony show on the road. I’ll handle the pajamas, you handle the teleportation,” Darlene ordered. “We officially do not have all night. And don’t you dare bring that goose home with us. Let it go so it can join the rest of the hellspawn out there causing trouble.”
Heaving a sigh, the Devil tossed the goose in the air, and the bird winged its way east. “As you wish, my darling.”
Epilogue: I’m a plaidypus now.
Leonard in plaid pajamas did me in, and while I regretted the loss of his pajamas, I decided I’d just have to buy him a replacement pair. I estimated his future pajamas would last all of ten minutes after he put them on, but I didn’t care.
Him in plaid revved my engine, and he held responsibility due to issuing forth a sexy little growl and inviting me to play with him.
Long after we should have gotten out of bed, we slept, ultimately requiring the Devil to yank the covers off to get us on the move. “You’ve missed breakfast, and if you don’t hurry it up, you’ll miss lunch. I’ve recorded the best of the news articles, so you need to get dressed, so you can witness the consequences of your actions. It’s even more impressive than I anticipated. I’m quite proud. How an act of utter evil could do so much good, in a single night, is a marvel. I bet my father went in league with those geese to optimize the amount of good unleashed by your single act of ultimate evil.”
