Page 73 of Plaidypus
The prime evil had a heart of gold, one with endless space for any requiring shelter. He expressed his affection in twisted fashions, usually in the form of playing tug of war with the animals over some treat or another. Some of the residents he handled with more care, including the lions and tigers. The Devil wisely tossed their treats through the invisible barrier keeping them from eating us.
“I have a habit of picking up man-eaters,” Lucifer stated, watching the big cats swat at each other and fight over the meat he’d tossed to them. “I use them to teach some of the nastier souls here why it isn’t wise to abuse animals. It’s been a startlingly effective program, really. One day, descendants of these animals will return to Earth, but not for several generations. I need to find some of the same species whohaven’tdeveloped a taste for human flesh to stand in as parents for any litters. Or I’ll be stuck having to raise them with Darlene. We can acquire a good milk to bottle feed them, but having to spend the majority of several months running around as a cat with an attitude problem is exhausting. Do you know what big kittens do? They play. All the time. And they need someone, meaning me, to play with them. All the time. When I have to play with kittens all the time, do you know what happens? Nothing else gets done around here.”
That I could believe. “I feel we’ve spent most of the day going through the universe’s biggest zoo.”
“That’s not far from the truth. We’ll want to go grab a bite to eat before we teleport, but we’ve spent enough time. The pony is almost at our destination.”
“And my father is all right?”
“Your father is a fucking menace,” the Devil muttered.
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean he got into a fight with a rather venomous snake, and upon dispatching it, he thought it was a good idea to eat it. Your father ate a rather venomous snake that has a history of killing people. He ate it tail first, pinning its head to the ground with a hoof. He saved the head for last. He has zero lack of understanding how the food chain works in Australia. As I didn’t want you, my new minion, to become upset, I had to ask one of my brothers to handle the ingestion of a significant amount of toxin.”
I groaned, bowed my head, and covered my face with my hands. “He really would, too. Don’t mess with ponies, Lucifer. Ponies willcutyou. What type of snake did he eat?”
“He decided eating a desert death adder was a good idea. Fortunately, their bite isn’t as bad as their name proclaims. He could have eaten a liru instead. The poorly named king brown snake packs a punch, and I don’t want to know if the pony or the snake would win. It’s bad enough he had to prove his mettle against a desert death adder.”
The thought of my pony father, with a snake dangling out of his mouth like some horrible noodle snack, reduced me to tears of laughter. “Maybe he mistook it as a dessert death adder?”
Lucifer bowed his head. “Only an idiot would eat anything with death in the name.”
“I’ve yet to actually die from death by chocolate,” I countered. “That’s delicious, and it has death in its name.”
“I concede. In any case, I’d rather intercept the pony before he finds some other way to flummox me. Really. Ponies should not be eating snakes.”
“Better than the snake eating the pony. As that pony is my father, I prefer it’s a pony-eat-snake world.” I scratched my forehead, sighed, and shrugged. “I’ll try to impress upon him he should settle with stomping the local dangerous wildlife rather than eating any snakes and other dangerous critters.”
“That would be appreciated.”
Through the entirety of the conversation, Leonard stared, his expression a mix of dismayed and concerned.
“What’s the problem?” I asked.
“Did Lucifer say your father ate adeathadder?”
“So it seems. Frankly, I’m disappointed the death adders don’t seem to be nearly as deadly as anticipated. So far, Australia is not really delivering on the dangerous wildlife portion of this adventure. I’m okay with that. I’d rather deal with the misguided Australians than a bunch of animals just trying to mind their own business. I feel sorry for the snake, though. Only an idiot pisses off a pony. Ponies hold grudges to the grave. Or until a sugar cube and some affection is provided.”
“I was not concerned about your father until now. Now I’m concerned about your father. Do you know what lycanthrope fathers do if a wolf comes sniffing anywhere near his daughter?”
“I didn’t look that closely, as my father is a shapeshifter and not a lycanthrope,” I admitted.
“They beat him within an inch of his life to see if the wolf is worthy.”
If my daddy, the super fluffy but spiteful pony, decided to beat Leonard, I would be out a potential mate. “That’s a problem. Lucifer? I don’t want him to beat my wolf. I found this wolf, and I like him enough I want to take my time deciding if I take him home to my mother. Please don’t let the pony kill my wolf.”
The Devil snorted, and then he doubled over laughing. “I can probably help you with that. It’ll cost you, though.”
At the rate Lucifer kept ‘costing’ me, I’d probably gain ten pounds, own too much stuff to fit into a house, and have to thank him again. “What now?”
“I demand you take a two-week vacation, of my choice, at a location of my choice, and you must take this wolf with you. You will be required to spend at least seventy-five percent of your waking time in his presence. Preferably in bed being rowdy, but I’ll accept forced exposure and having nature finish my plans for me.”
“Demand he pays for everything, and you have to approve of the location,” Leonard prompted. “Also make certain I get paid time off, as I like to eat.”
“What he said, Lucifer.”
“Done. Bargain made. I will make certain your father doesn’t murder your wolf. It’s quite convenient you agreed to that, as I plan on actually using my title as the Lord of Lies to fill him with false hopes of immediate grandchildren. I shall be pitching it as your handsome wolf whisking you away to paradise to do filthy things with you. In reality, my wife and I will be providing birth control so that you only have children when you both want them and are ready for such responsibilities. This is a time for you to get rowdy, not a time for you to get rowdy with consequences—unless you want the consequences at this moment.”
