Page 50 of Plaidypus
“The stupidly evil don’t want you to think about it that way. If you start thinking, you’ll start looking for an employer who is evil but understands the value of loyalty and keeping good employees. I win. I get the good employees, and the wicked get what they deserve before they come visit me in my many hells. You get one job perk you can’t get anywhere else, too. You get to help escort these sources of evil to me for rehabilitation. And, if you ask my wife nicely, you can even learn to help with their rehabilitation. There’s something satisfying about giving it as good as they gave it—and teaching them why they should change their wicked ways.”
“Let’s say I wanted to explore Australia by day and enjoy the cozy comforts of your house at night, where I’m safe from the various things that might eat me. I’m guessing not all hotels use magic to keep the pests at bay?”
“Not all hotels invest in pest prevention of that sort, you’re correct. I see you’ve developed a healthy desire to avoid Australia’s various causes of human death. In reality, Australia isn’t that much different from other places on the lethality front. Australians have adapted to their environment—just like people in the United States and Canada have adapted to having things like bears and rattlesnakes.”
“And geese,” I muttered.
“And geese. It’s not that Australia is truly more lethal than other places in the world. Australia has a reputation, in part, because Australians enjoy yanking chains and making a big deal about their various critters. On the other hand, if you expose an Australian to a pack of wolves, they’re likely going to shit their pants because they only know dingoes—and while dingoes can be nasty, they’re nothing compared to a wolf. A dingo typically weighs in at no more than fifty pounds while wolves can get up to over a hundred pounds without breaking a sweat. Dingoes are essentially small wolves—very small wolves. Up close and personal? An Australian would be horrified by the reality of a wolf. Americans? Americans are more likely to try to pet the wolf and get eaten. And cougars? Australians just don’thavelarge-scale predators like the Americas do. It’s a different type of danger. Americans squick over spiders, where they’re a way of life in Australia. Albeit, the spidersarea problem. Every year, huntsman spiders cause accidents showing up in cars and scaring the piss out of a driver.”
“I almost crashed my old car once because a wolf spider decided to wage a war against me while I was driving. I screamed. Then I pulled over and beat the shit out of the spider with my box of tissues. That time, I won. Got the fucker on the first hit. That didn’t stop me from hitting it numerous more times, though.”
“Adrenaline does funny things to humans,” the Devil replied in an amused tone. “To answer your question, the cream I had my incubi slather all over you is an excellent repellent. You’ll be safe enough even if you decide to sleep on the ground. Even dingoes aren’t going to bother you. That said, there’s no reason you can’t come back to my home for the evenings until you meet up with the search party doing their best to rescue you. At that point, you will have to brave Australia and its many wonders.”
“That seems reasonable. Can I have more of that cream that keeps the pests away before I’m evicted from my evening visits?”
Lucifer chuckled. “An arrangement can be made. Just tell Icy she’s to bring you to my home, and she can handle teleporting you. She’ll be a little nervous her first time, but this is part of her purpose, so she will be adept at it. She just lacks confidence right now. If she’s really uncertain, I’ll send a talented teleporter to escort you both. You’ll need the ability to come and go from my many hells as you like. Your future mate will also need the same ability, although I may have to fiddle with him a bit more to make him suitable for longer visits. Then again, he could take his place as the most normal being in my many hells, which is not a bad thing. I’ll have to test him.”
“Are you talking about Leonard?” I asked.
“Well, as he’s the only lycanthrope male currently working himself into quite the state over your fate, yes. The other lycanthropes are wastes of air and give lycanthropesandAustralians a bad name. And while you’re understandably skittish regarding your current situation, you will find I am an immaculate matchmaker. I’m sure you would get yourself into permanent trouble with him without my influence.”
Leonard’s damned ability to wear plaid would do me in. “Since you’re trying to earn your way into my good graces, I need you to get me a comfortable plaid shirt that is enchanted against the Australian sun. That thing is blistering, but I don’t feel I am appropriately Canadian. I want people to look at me andknowI am Canadian. You better put a maple leaf on it somewhere.”
“I can manage that. I will express my gratitude that you’re limiting your attacks to my wallet to small things.”
I patted Icy’s neck, and the moose bobbed her head, reminding me of an oversized horse with particularly spindly legs. “You seem capable of attacking your own wallet on my behalf. Why break something that’s working?”
“And that would be the sound of common sense, a true rarity among humanity.”
“Is the cream reallythatgood at deterring pests and predators?”
“Of the non-human variety, but yes. It’s essentially an aversion. Anything that might try to bite or bother you will prefer to go elsewhere for a few weeks. I expect you’ll be headed back to the United States long before it wears off. I considered adding a lure to attract a certain male lycanthrope your way, but it turns out his wolf figured out what he needed to be doing. It’s the first time his animal partner has been vocal over a woman before. He’s rather confused, as he hasn’t hadthatmuch exposure to you.”
“I fed him, and men think with their stomachs.”
“That’s only somewhat accurate. According to my wife, who is never wrong, men think with two different heads and their stomach, and their stomachs tend to convince both of the other heads to do what it wants. Things can get rowdy from there.”
“Your wife is listening, isn’t she?”
Lucifer chuckled. “She is. A commonplace occurrence. As I am a wise being and value my life and various body parts, I tend to do what she wants. As you’ll be joining us in the evening, your time, I’ll make sure there’s good food. One of the benefits of running this joint is the access to a bunch of world-class albeit asshole chefs. How does poutine sound to you?”
I swallowed so I wouldn’t drool. “I would consider storming your gates for some good poutine. Question. Where do I buy chicken salt here?”
“Any grocery store and most chip stands. The place you found it didn’t try to sell you some?”
“No.”
“Must have been out of stock. Stop at some restaurants, and you’ll inevitably find a place trying to peddle off a jar or two of their chicken salt. If you can’t find any, it’s trivial to get some.”
As I wanted to try poutine with chicken salt, I made a note to stop at every restaurant that looked like it might sell fries. “They call fries chips here?”
“They do, but most will understand what you mean if you ask for fries.”
“But what are chips if fries are chips here?”
“Crisps. It’s a little more complicated than that. If you ask for fries, they’ll think you mean thin cut. Chips are typically broader. Don’t ask me why. I’ve given up trying to track the various mysteries of the universe. But if you’re looking for chicken salt, you can get it at any grocery store worth visiting in addition to chip shops. You shouldn’t have much trouble finding it.”
I nodded, deciding my lunch would be from some restaurant selling fries and chicken salt. “Should I call you before coming over?”
