Page 44 of Plaidypus
Lucifer hung up, and as I’d learned to take him seriously, I searched the internet for the galloping speed of a moose. “What the hell do you mean a moose can run at thirty-fivemilesper hour?” I blurted.
Then, it sank in that the Devil had warned me the speed of my moose was faster than the speed of a mundane moose.
I’d need more than five minutes to come to terms with my situation, but I would do what I could with the time I had.
Sometime after discoveringan e-reader loaded with books with a full charge in my purse, the Devil showed up with Icy, who came to me and went to work chewing on my hair. Without taking my eyes off the Western adventure I’d selected for myself, I pet the moose, delighted her coat remained frosty.
Given a few more hours in Australia, I’d appreciate a chance to cool off. “Thank you for the books.”
“I am surrounded with voracious readers at home, and my wife insisted we send you off with some toys.” Lucifer set a laptop bag beside my chair. “I took the liberty of making some key adjustments to your laptop.”
“But it’s new.”
“It’s even newer and better now. Consider it a bribe so you will seriously consider my job offer, which will be issued after you finish your adventure here.” He paused, and he raised a brow. “I find it rather amusing you have chosen an adventure novel.”
“It seemed appropriate, and it’s fun. Won’t people think a moose in Australia is rather weird?”
“Will they think a moose in Australia is weird or that it’s weird there is a moose in Australia with frosty fur, a saddle, a bridle, and all the supplies required to enjoy a camping trip? If they notice her, they will think it is quite weird there is a moose in Australia. Most will not notice her, especially if you are not drawing attention to yourself. You have a tent, a camping stove of hellish origin you should enjoy, a grill for when you want a traditional campfire, a solar charger for all your devices, and a magical battery so you can enjoy your adventure, an assortment of spices, and a selection of hot chocolates and a water purifier so you can enjoy your hot chocolate. There are even a few practitioner items for you. One will summon potable water, as that’s important here. As you’re a capable huntress, there is a rifle and a bow. You have a limitless supply of arrows thanks to a devil of mine who wished to clear out a debt he owes me. He, or one of his minions, will make certain your quiver is always full. And the arrows will be appropriate for the prey you hunt. And, as I am a most generous employer, I’ve included a hunting license for you, a list of animals you can hunt under your license, and the limits of what you can hunt.”
I turned off the device and stowed it back in my new purse so I could give the Devil my undivided attention. “Was the world unaware you’re single before your wife got her hands on you? I cannot imagine a man capable of such consideration remaining single for long.”
“I enjoyed my general freedom for thousands of years.” Lucifer smiled. “It took that long for my perfect little kitten to come around, and she was worth waiting for.”
“I am not sure how you got the reputation you have,” I admitted, inspecting Icy’s new bridle, which was more of a halter, as it lacked a bit. To match her chilly tendencies, it was made of blue leather and silver. The presence of tiny bells along the cheek bands captured my attention. “Bells? I hadn’t heard them chime.”
“It’s more of the faint tinkle of ice on a brisk winter day. My darling thought you would appreciate some sounds from home. The bells will also make sure your temperature is moderated while you’re riding. Her running temperature is below freezing, even when she’s playing in my lava pools. She actually managed to freeze a patch of molten stone. As I’d rather she not accidentally convert you into a literal cube of ice, I took precautions with her saddle and bridle. The bells are additional protection. That’s part of why I was later bringing her than I prefer. I needed help from my brothers to make sure Icy’s gear would sufficiently protect you. This is her standard gear. One of my brothers has stars in his eyes, and he’s making Icy parade gear.Allof the mounts of my many hells get parade gear now. It’s ridiculous. At the rate we’re going, we may as well rename the whole place. It’s an equine fashion show now.”
I got off the beach chair, taking hold of Icy’s reins to hold her head in place while I got a better look at her saddle, which had an obvious place for me to sit along with plenty of space to hang a variety of large bags, all of which were made of blue leather with silver trimming. “There’s no saddle blanket?”
“The saddle is enchanted so she doesn’t need it. The saddle essentially has a blanket built in. Since that’s her standard gear, we make sure we can toss saddle and bridle onto the mounts without wasting any time. There are practitioner runes on the underside of the straps for emergencies. Essentially, if you toss the gear anywhere onto her, the magic will make sure the gear is properly placed and secured.” Lucifer took a few minutes to walk me through everything before teaching me how to remove and put on her gear through the runes. “Admittedly, we usually wait a while before doing the runes, but my brothers thought caution would be wise. And they reminded me how much of a tragedy it would be if I lost a new minion due to laze. They were toying with me, but they made a good point.”
“Were you aware that you’re insane?” I asked, unable to keep the curiosity out of my tone.
“Yes, I’m aware.”
That was something. “Do I want to know about the geese? Was the geese plan abandoned?”
“Not precisely.”
I detected a significant amount of trouble coming my way on the dark wings of geese. “Care to enlighten me?”
“There might be a rather large population of geese in my hells, their souls so full of malice they cannot be rehabilitated, awaiting their rebirth so they can continue to torment humanity.” Lucifer grinned at me, went to Icy’s side, and dug around in one of the saddle bags until he found a glossy black, round stone the size of a golfball. “This is the physical manifestation of Canadian malice. This is your ultimate weapon in your arsenal, and I don’t recommend you use it unless necessary—or you become infuriated with Mr. Turner, in which case, use it with extreme prejudice. Upon throwing the stone at your intended target, it will summon forth the Geese of the Apocalypse.”
“The Geese of the Apocalypse?” I blurted. “I thought we were trying toavoidthe apocalypse, not cause it!”
“Okay, the stone doesn’t actually create an apocalypse. It just summons all of the geese from my many hells and restores them to flesh with the awareness of your target’s sins against geese. And humanity. They will deal with the problem before flying off and beginning a rather chaotic migration path back to Canada. Most of the geese will return to my many hells after reaching Canada, but a few will become free-range geese in my conservatory until it is time for them to be reborn as a reward for their good deeds.”
“What do you mean by chaotic migration path?”
The Devil giggled. “They will teleport to the nearest sources of true evil along the way and attempt to scare the sin out of their target. I’m sure there will be a few deaths of the nastier souls they encounter. I made a very extensive list of targets, which I imbued into the stone. Your single act of evil, in the form of winged Canadian malice, will help rebalance the scales to be more neutral. Right now, there are not nearly enough goody-goody folks running around, so scaring the sin out of some big offenders is not a bad thing. As I didn’t want the women in my life to attempt to kill me today, I verified the plan with my father and gainedHisapproval.Helaughed for quite a while over the whole thing.Hetried to tell me the original intent hadn’t been to leech away the malice of the Canadian people, but things got out of hand rather quickly.”
I held my hand out for the stone, which Lucifer gave to me. Then, with a sly smile, I asked, “What are you going to give me to not throw this at you?”
The Devil’s eyes widened. “Whatever you want? Because honestly, I know how that stone works, and even I would be highly inconvenienced if you were to unleash a force of evil that strong my way.”
Laughing, I put the stone in my purse. “As I like youandyour father, I will not throw the stone at you. But if I don’t have an opportunity to throw this stone at Mr. Turner,someoneis getting hit with it. Do not give me reason to make that someone you.”
After staring at me for a long moment, Lucifer pulled his phone out of his pocket, dialed a number, and after a short wait, he said, “We may have miscalculated the resilience of this mortal, Father. I told her about what the geese would do after they destroyed her target. She has informed me she has every intention of throwing the stone at someone regardless of what happens. She just told me I better not give her a reason to throw it at me. I don’t know what to do now. Normally, I’m trying to get the women to be more assertive. This one came out of the box assertive. She’s already threatening to use the weapons I gave her against me. You’re going to make my brothers jealous showing how much you love me, your disobedient and fallen son, the best.”
