Page 39 of Plaidypus
Rather than indulge in panic, I swallowed my first bite and asked, “What act of evil?”
“Arranging for you to be kidnapped and eventually forced to pick a mate by lycanthropes with an unfortunate opinion of their superiority. Of course, they didn’t bargain regarding your status as available to mate, and they only wanted to make certain you were brought to Australia so they could continue their plan. After your rather charming video went viral, this group of platypus lycanthropes and shapeshifters discovered you’re also a platypus through an illegal contact within the CDC. That contact has been dealt with. Permanently.” The Devil pulled up a chair nearby, although he gave me plenty of space to eat my feast. “I’ll have fun with that one. My rulebook states anyone who knowingly acts to violate another human is guilty of the act of violation, so I get to rehabilitate the soul. I am not kind during rehabilitation. I might even earn my way back into my wife’s good graces by giving her the soul. She does love correcting wayward souls and making certain they will not bring such harm to another in their next life.”
“Eh?” I asked, and after a moment, I decided the only way I could deal with his news was if I continued to eat my brownie and ice cream.
My brownie and ice cream couldn’t add to the insanity. My brownie and ice cream also wouldn’t betray me or sell me out.
“It is boggling how reprehensible humanity can get. Within five minutes of my wife’s charming tirade, I informed the devil in question I would handle the matter personally. That earned me a few extra minutes of life, as my wife had worked her way up to wearing her spots and her wings with her fur standing on end. So, here we are. I have a bargain to fulfill, and I need to do so in such a way where you are the true winner of this particular exchange. All of the souls involved with the decision to strike the bargain will enjoy some quality time in my dungeons. My wife has claimed them, and mayHehave pity on them, for nobody in my many hells will.”
I learned a valuable lesson in the first few minutes of my time with the Devil: I didn’t want to become one of his guests in need of rehabilitation. His tone implied the fires of hell would burn hotter than I’d ever believed possible. And if the Devil could scare the sin right out of me within five minutes of meeting him, I questioned what would happen if the Devil’s heavenly counterpart sought vengeance against a soul.
Nothing good—not for that soul.
DidHe, the God of Christianity, have pity or mercy on souls such as the one the Devil described?
“I do not,” a voice announced from the air between me and the Devil. “I am only a loving god to those deserving of such kindness. I have no remorse or scruples about sending such souls to where they deserve. And no, I do not accept pleas for forgiveness in the last moments of life. That does not balance the scales and undo the harm those souls did during their lives. Remorse and forgiveness is only valuable when backed by action and deed.”
A chill settled into my bones at the realization a presence hung heavy in the room—and I understood, in that moment, why people added a slight emphasis to any word describingHim.
Hewas the still quiet before the storm, destined to wipe the Earth clean of its sin. I didn’t even believe in any religion, and I accepted the inevitable truth of it.
Hewas real, andHecould end all things with a mere thought.
Lucifer huffed, but his scowl eased to an expression I couldn’t quite understand. “And it seems my father is being a pest as usual. What do you want now?”
The truth, found in the softness around the Devil’s eyes, stunned me.
Hisfallen son possessed the capacity for love and affection for his father.
I pinched myself. It hurt enough I doubted I dreamed.
Uncertain of how to handle a talk with the main figures of the Christian faith, I went for more of my brownie and ice cream. What else could I do? Well, beyond run and go hide under the bed. Running and hiding under the bed wouldn’t save me and would destroy my flagging dignity, so I focused on my food and waited to see if the End of Days began in my hotel room.
“The bargain for your jewel caught my attention, and as I am highly opposed to the End of Days at this time, I thought I would come and restore calm, smooth fur, and otherwise keep you from laying waste to Australia. You need Australia for your future plans, so you can’t lay waste to it because of an ignorant group of lycanthrope males vying for the attention of a woman.”
“If they were just vying for her attention, I wouldn’t have an issue right now, Father,” the Devil replied, and he growled something under his breath. “Don’t fret, Nadine. We can argue just fine while you eat, and your virus could use several more of those brownies to get her pointed in the right direction. After you eat, you’re going to go on a vacation you’ll never forget.”
“That is hardly comforting, Lucifer,”Hestated in an amused tone. After a moment,Hesaid, “Please, think of me as Yahweh. I don’t know who started that He nonsense, but it gets old. I do have a name, and I even like it. When I was a mortal, I had a name, too. I liked that name as well.”
Wait.He—no, Yahweh—had once been a mortal? I worried for the fate of my eyeballs, but I took another bite of my brownie to make sure my wolf got fed properly. “What was your mortal name?”
“You did find a good one this time, my fallen son. My name was Hubert, but I went by Hugh. Becoming who I am now was quite the surprise. One day, I was working, and it was like every other day. The next? I’m Yahweh, the God of the Christian people. Or just God. It’s a bit convoluted, so try not to think much on it. Being God isn’t what it’s cracked up to be, but there are perks to the job. I got this brat of a son to dote on, and unlike my other children, he protests ever so delightfully. Some days, I regret the job comes with the knowledge of all that is and was, but my children are worth the prices I pay for them, even this stubborn son of mine.”
Lucifer sighed. “You’re being rather informal today.”
“I’m all about making my audience comfortable. My informality dulls the reality of who we are, and it’s a relief to be able to be more relaxed. So many souls require the formality to retain their hold on their life’s spark. She is made of sterner stuff than most. She’s not of the faith, and that’s a good thing. She would have been too challenged were she of the faith. And while I’ll admit I made certain she was suitable for her predetermined fate, her slate is clean, making her free for you to pursue, should you be in need of another minion. I would like to remind you that you can’t take every single one of your minions into your many hells or convert them at your leisure. This one is fine as she is, and her future mate is fine as he is. They will be long lived enough due to the lycanthropy virus, and I will look the other way should you boost their aging viruses and offer them renewed vigor. There is no reason you cannot boost their viruses indefinitely, should they be pleased with their long lives.”
To my astonishment, Lucifer relaxed in the chair. “I can work with that. I hadn’t been expecting a new minion this morning, but when a devil who specializes in the downfall of mortal evil comes knocking at my door with concerns, I’m wise enough to listen. Since you’re here, you have a concern, too.”
“I am concerned over how much trouble you will inevitably cause should your little kitten convince you to intervene directly, so I am preventing the End of Days through making a suggestion. A simple solution to a difficult problem. A gift, as I have zero interest in scales and balancing them today.”
Lucifer winced. “Things aren’t going well upstairs today?”
“As always. It is as it should be, and you have been a good influence on my angels. They begin to exercise a little will, and I must temper their will with their portfolios. It goes as I hoped for them in the Beginning.” I got the sense Yahweh shrugged.“Your little kitten begins her fertility cycle again, and this round, she will not leave it for quite a while. You have work to do, and that work doesn’t involve chasing this lovely young lady all around Australia. You have two cindercorns who need a break from their children for a few days, their associates, and some vampires who can do the chasing for you. Set your hybrid loose somewhere far from those who struck the bargain, but still on Australian soil, give her a card from your account, and let the problem solve itself. Send your cindercorns out to find your missing hybrid, and inevitably, the vampires will involve themselves due to an unpaid debt. As the vampires are from the Chicago brood, the moment they catch wind of this group’s plan to force your new minion to choose a mate she does not want, things shall be resolved in an acceptable fashion. Afterwards, you can appease your little kitten’s hunger through your tender loving care and some rehabilitation. While she is distracted, you can then hire your new minion properly, and everyone is happy.”
It occurred to me the pair discussedmebecoming an associate of the Devil, something most viewed as a rather bad thing. The conversation did an excellent job of proving I’d fallen prey to yet another misconception. “Wait. Me? A minion? Of the Devil?” I blurted.
“He pays well, offers excellent benefits, and would give you work you’re suited for and will enjoy. I highly recommend becoming one of his minions,”Yahweh replied.
