Page 21 of Plaidypus
I would not be escaping life single.
“Has anyone ever successfully sued a hotspot before? Because honestly, I feel like I’m enduring an unfair burden from my magical neighbor.”
“No. How would the hotspot compensate you?”
“It would be less about the compensation and more about the satisfaction of victory,” I informed him before returning to my cooking. “Matthieu, I’m going to need the cornmeal from your den. It’s not making it out of the country alive.”
“Nor will our collection of eggs, apparently.”
“We have enough trouble getting the eggs home from the grocery store. Did you really think they’d make it to the United States once we can make a break from here?” I laughed at the absurdity of the idea of carting eggs to a different country. “You know those extra pans you yelled at me about storing in your den?”
“I’ll bring them, the cornbread, and the rest of your baking supplies up. This is obviously a baking emergency.”
“And I swear, if you tore through my vanilla extract again failing at making shit rice pudding, I will be the one who ends you.”
“This time, I replaced the bottle—and I gave you an upgrade. It’s the good stuff. I have learned my lesson. I have my own bottle of it now, and it’s the cheap stuff.”
“Does vanilla extract go in cornbread?” Leonard asked.
I glanced at him, and his worried expression amused me. “No, it goes in cake. If you want any cake, go fetch.”
The wolf twitched. “Were you aware that was a pretty evil thing to say to a lycanthrope?”
“Lycanthropes who go fetch get cake. Lycanthropes who don’t go fetch don’t get cake. Choose wisely.”
SIX
I’m a queen at striking out.
It took me until eight in the morning to finish cooking everything, and I told my brother and our unexpected guest they could serve themselves. Before they could descend on breakfast, I took my share and claimed the bay window to keep an eye on my zombie moose, who continued to graze on the lawn.
I appreciated the way her coat shimmered in the morning sunlight.
After a moment of thought, I said, “Leonard, you can invite your vampires and their sex demons over for breakfast if you’d like. There should be plenty.”
My brother, who had taken a small plate for himself before taking over the couch, grinned at me. I suspected he hoped the succubus would come over.
Within ten minutes of issuing the invitation, three vampires, an incubus, and a succubus came over. The incubus looked me over, chuckled, and went to the kitchen, returning a few minutes later with a steaming cup of hot cocoa. “Thank you for cooking. The world always needs more lycanthropes who can cook. Stressed lycanthropes cook, and there’s little more enjoyable than reaping the benefits of a stressed lycanthrope.”
Leonard growled, which intrigued my wolf. I ignored her, accepted the hot chocolate, and pondered the incubus’s words. “I also hate wasting good food, and if we’re fleeing to the United States, we’d have to waste good food.”
“Ah, a practical woman. Is there anything as rare or special?” The incubus leveled a wicked grin at Leonard. “You heard the woman. You best help her eat every scrap of food in this house.”
Were all incubi weird, or had I met a strange one? “I’ve forgotten your name.”
“I believe we rudely skipped the introductions, and if we didn’t, we shall say we did just so I can have the pleasure of introducing myself again. For the first thousand years roaming the vast and interesting lands of this Earth, I went by Gaston. But due to certain societal changes, I changed my name to Damon, as jokes about my species are far better than jokes about being a muscle-bound freak incapable of reading.”
I giggled. “You’re a little old for me, Damon. Just a little. By about a thousand years.”
With a gleam in his eyes, Damon leaned close to me and whispered in my ear, “Leonard is fifty, he’s interested, but he’s far too much of a professional to show this to you. Fifty is fairly young for a lycanthrope, and if he fed you any lines about looking for forever, they’re absolutely true. The ladies have been trying to get him to join their hunt for years, and he always refuses.”
Great. The last thing I needed was a hard-to-get man. I couldn’t even catch the ones out for easy one-night stands. “Are you trying to encourage or discourage me?” I whispered back.
“Encourage, although that question is worrisome.”
“Let’s just say I’m the only woman who has to travel over a hundred klicks for any chance at a one-night stand, and my odds of scoring said stand are in the single digits. I’m a queen at striking out, though.”
Damon’s wicked grin faded, and he heaved a sigh, turning his attention to Leonard. “Good luck.”
