Page 60 of What It's Like in Words
My throat was throbbing. Was I making the rules? It didn’t feel like I was making any rules. He tried once more to kiss me, but I held up my hand. Wait. Not yet.
He folded his arms. Come on, honey, you know how I feel about keeping people waiting.
I know, I just… I made you this. Happy birthday.
I reached into my bag and handed him the card. I wanted him to realize that he was walking away from someone who bought the good paper and colored inside the lines, but he just said thank you, then looked inconvenienced that it was so large. Actually, honey, do you want to just give this to me next time, as I’m out all day? He handed it back, and it was instantly a child’s drawing, strips of white where color should be and pencil markings that hadn’t been rubbed out. So, with no tricks left, I walked away like I had on the first night we met, only this time he didn’t summon me back.
CHAPTER 18
I put on a short maroon dress, my brown boots, and red lipstick. I drank half a bottle of prosecco and looked at my body from every angle.This is what being single and happy looks like, I said to my reflection. Ruth and I joined Sasha and their friends in Hackney. At the bar, we downed tequila shots and held our beers.
Come on, I said.
We danced, but really I was hunting. I scanned the checked shirts and white T-shirts: tall men with brown hair and short, stocky blonds. I moved suggestively and wished that he was here to watch me.
Ruth touched my waist. Toilet?
I waited outside the cubicle, and she asked how I was doing. I told her I was doing really well. I feel so free! She said that was because he was a narcissist. I told her that I could see it now. Ireallycan. Paper was pulled and torn; then the toilet flushed. Ruth washed her hands, and I leaned against the hand dryer.
I think I was just swept up in how attractive he was?
God, what is it about these ordinary-looking men and gorgeous women. It’s the Judd Apatow effect, and I’m sick of it.
I’m not a gorgeous wom—
You are way hotter than he is!
You just didn’t like him, Ruth.
I moved so that Ruth could dry her hands. Straining over the noise, I ranted about things he did that I now realized were manipulative.But despite my words, there was a voice in my head countering: The first time we had sex and he ignored my doubts?He’s not a mind reader.That time that he took over the risotto?I hate cooking.The times that he gaslit me about Steph?I was paranoid.
Ruth shook water from her hands. I’m so happy to hear that, she said. It’s been killing me watching him do this to you.
We left the bathroom, and I asked if she thought that I should tell him it was over. She paused. Isn’t it already over? I shook my head and said that we were just on a break.
Don’t contact him, Laa.
Okay, but shouldn’t I tell him thatIdon’t want to be withhimanymore?
Ruth stopped, and we leaned against the wall. The club was ahead, blue and moving. She said if I wanted to show him that it was over, silence was the only way to do that. Otherwise, you’re still giving him the power! She said that by focusing on him, I made him responsible for my happiness. You need to look at your role in this, Laa.
I felt the blood drain from my face. You think it’s my fault?
She held my face. No, not at all, not even slightly!
I asked her if she thought I should have been more laid-back. She said that he should have loved me unconditionally.
So, youdon’tthink I’m laid-back?
Enola, you are laid-back in many ways but—
Not in others?
You, Enola, are perfect! Don’t let his definition of a flaw be yours.
I asked what she meant about my role in the relationship. She said that, on more than one occasion, he had showed me who he was and I wanted him anyway. I mean, we’ve been talking about him forever and—
Okay, well, I’m sorry for talking too much.
