Page 42 of What It's Like in Words
I remembered his arms as the sun went down, the Tusker on his breath, our laughter in snorkeling goggles. How had we gone from that to this? Was he even going to tell me that he loved me that night? Or had he got to Norwich and realized that it was just too much work?
The buzzer went, and I rushed to the intercom and waited.
Oh dear, Ruth said when she saw me.
I sunk back down in the corner while Ruth raised the blinds. That’s better, she said, injecting morning into the room. Then she made the bed, positioning cushions haphazardly and pulling the duvet too high (Ruth never made her own bed). She sat cross-legged on the floor and took my hand. They said you called in sick. What happened?
I shrugged. I just feel sad.
Ruth paused while she thought about how to say what she wanted to. Enola, I know that you don’t want to talk about it, but I really think you should. Going back to Kenya must have triggered—
Don’t use that word. It was a holiday, not Vietnam.
Ruth dropped her chin and smiled. Laa, there is a sliding scale from drama queen to war veteran.
I told her that the trip had been hard on occasion, but that I wasn’ttriggered. She traced my palm and asked if I had eaten. I shook my head. She asked if I had spoken to my mum yet, and I shook my head again. Ruth looked down. I know that you loved your dad, but I think maybe you should— Her eyes drifted to my arms, to the little marks. I snatched my hand back.
Enola, when did—
I don’t want to talk about it!
Okay, but—
Roo, stop! You’re looking me like I’m… Yes, I’m picking, and yes, I appreciate that it’s anxious behavior, but I’m not taking a knife to my skin. I just scar easily, okay? The sun turned them brown. That’s all.
I lowered my other sleeve so that she didn’t see the elastic band. Itfelt sometimes like Ruth could see through me and it was impossible to breathe around her.
She ran her tongue over her teeth. Fine, she said, voice deeper, we don’t have to talk about that. But let’s talk abouthim. What has he done?
I wanted to defend him like I always did, but this time I couldn’t. The warnings were unavoidable: cartoon signs predicting danger ahead; red traffic lights refusing to turn green; a toothless man selling pies, warblingTurn back. And so I told her everything and saw the relief on her face at my confession. I said that he had been wonderful at first, but then things changed, or I had changed—I wasn’t sure which. I told her that when I told him that I was struggling, he got angry.
Ruth made a noise under her breath, and so I quickly explained that, in his defense, I had been a complete nightmare.
But were you actually a nightmare or did he just tell you that you were?
I ignored her and said that now nothing was the same between us, and I didn’t know how to fix it. And if I keep messaging then I’ll keep pushing him away, but I miss him. Like, I really miss him. And before you tell me how pathetic I am, I know. I’m completely pathetic. All I can think about is him, wondering when he’ll message, if he’ll message, ifI’mallowed to message. And, look, you were right. You and I should have gone there together. We should have walked along the beach to the rock and eaten papaya and, like, I don’t know what I’m doing, Roo. I just—
My words dissolved, and Ruth put her arms around me. She hushed me as I cried. But then my phone vibrated. I could see from the shape of the letters that it was him. I sprung from her arms and read the message like I was drinking cold water on a hot day.
Oh my god.
I dropped my head back against the wall. Ruth cleared her throat, but before she could speak, I said that I was just hormonal. It’s probably just a delayed suicide Monday from the drugs.
Don’t do that, Enola! This feels like an honest conversation for once.
What do you mean “for once”?
You just sat here telling me that something is wrong and—
Okay, but I didn’t actually know if anythingwaswrong. I knew there was a chance that I was just being insecure and crazy.
Has he called you crazy?
No,I’mcalling me crazy.
But you’re not crazy! You had a difficult holiday and he wasn’t there for you and—
I didn’t say that!
