Page 35 of What It's Like in Words
I held out his beer and said: Beer? I was going for half sexy and half self-aware, thinking that if he didn’t find it sexy, he would at least appreciate the joke.
But he spoke in the same tone as when the waiter in the restaurant had put down his bowl of soupy fish: That looks great, honey. But I’m tired from the sun. Stay in that if you want, but I just want to chill before the bar.
Stay in that if you want?Embarrassment burned my body red and every mortifying thing I had ever done rushed back to me, but I pretended it was fine because I needed it to be.
Sure. When do you want to leave?
Normal time, he said like it was a stupid. Fucking. Question.
Then he took the beer and returned outside to have his sundowner without me.
WHEN THE SUN HADdescended for the last time, I put on my black dress and we went to a bar on the beach with a chemical smell and a bartender singing along to a Lana Del Rey song. I sipped my rum and coke slowly because I hadn’t been able to eat much. His pupils dilated after his first whiskey, and after his third, he was drunk. He asked me how my drink was, but I didn’t hear him and so he repeated “drink” like I had committed a larger crime. I asked him again if everything was okay, and he told me again to stop asking. Areyouokay, Enola?
I told him that I was a little sad to be leaving tomorrow. Perhaps we could do a mini break in the summer?
He put his drink down. A mini break toKenya?
I said that Amy and David had gone to a winery in England last year and he looked offended. He told me that he needed to write and earn money when we got back. Doesn’t David work in the city? We can’t go to awinery. He turned to the bar and continued drinking. I felt like he was telling me that it was my fault we were spending money and not writing. I looked at my phone and there was a new message from Ruth:
Enola, just let me know that ur okay please?
She would know that something was wrong, so I replied:
Hey, Roo, everything’s great! Having the best last day. See you when I’m back xx
Am I boring you?
I looked up and he was staring at me. I told him thathehad been onhisphone all day. He said that if I was pissed off about him beingon his phone then I should’ve said so. I told him that I wasn’t, and he huffed. He was still annoyed with me about yesterday.
Look, I’m really sorry again about last night—
He slammed his drink down. For fuck’s sake!
AndI’m really sorry if I’ve been weird today. And I’m sorry for suggesting a mini break. We really don’t have to do that. We don’t have to do anything. We can literally live off toast and cereal for the next few months.
He breathed in and held the breath before releasing it. I thought he might say something kind.We, he said with a slanted smile. You do realize thatwehave only been dating for a few months?
I felt a pinching sensation in my chest, remembering what he had said about losing interest after five dates.Just stay fun.
I smiled brightly, and told him that I wasn’t trying to rush anything. We’ve just had such a great time here and I thought it would be nice to have something to look forward to.
Come on, Enola.Thisis you having a great time?
He took a clumsy sip of his drink. I asked him what he meant by that. Have you had a terrible time?
His eyes narrowed. Don’t do that.
Do what?
Twist my words.
I felt an itch on my back and scratched without thinking. The skin split.Fuck.I told him that I wasn’t trying to twist his words, my voice coming out more frustrated because my back was burning.
He slammed his drink again. Right, I’m—
Stop doing that, I said, referring to the drink.
I’m getting annoyed now. Enola, this is my only holiday—
