Page 22 of What It's Like in Words
I am. I’m going to leave soon so I can get more than five hours’ sleep. Fuck, it’s fucking freezing.
I wrapped my arms around myself and pressed my legs together.
I bet you can’t wait to be in Mexico, Ruth said.
I still hadn’t told her the truth about where we were going. I had been afraid that she would talk me out of it. But now it was booked and now I was lying.
Just then, my phone beeped.
Oh, Roo, he’s calling me. Can I call you later?
I barely said hello before he started talking about his book. I waited until he finished and then told him that I wanted to come over. He said that he thought I had work in the morning. I told him that I did but that I wanted to see him. It’s all this talk of sex, you see…
Oh yeah? he said with a suggestive inflection.
Yeah, I said, biting my lip as if he could see me.
He told me not to be long.
Inside, everyone was dancing to Beyoncé. I congratulated Amy and said that I couldn’t wait for the wedding. She asked me if he was going to come.
Sorry he can’t come for the whole day, but it’s costing us one hundred pounds per head, and honestly, babe, I really don’t know him.
I said that I hadn’t mentioned it to him yet, and she told me to hurry up. She kept her hands above her head and her hips moving as she spoke. I reassured her that I would ask him soon. And I would. Iwasn’t sure why I was nervous. Going on holiday was a bigger step than going to a wedding.
If he won’t go to a wedding with you…
He will! I promise I’ll ask him soon.
I danced to three songs, and an hour later I was in his bed.
THEY HAVE TO LEARN, Enola.I thought about how openly Amy’s friends had discussed their orgasms, and so when he moved between my thighs, I asked if he could touch me first.
Oh, he said. Okay. Sure.
He paused and then started, mechanically, like he was demonstrating that he had been asked to do it. It was awkward, and so I told him to forget it. I’m ready. I want you. I licked my hand and positioned him. Persevering, I directed him to go deeper and faster or slower, but when I opened my eyes, he looked frustrated.
Are you okay?
Yes, he said. Just…
Am I telling you what to do too much?
He said that the instructions made him feel like he was doing everything wrong. So I let him do what he wanted—or rather, I let him think that I wanted what he wanted. Maybe he knew the truth, but regardless, when he finished, I felt a similar release to him (information I wouldn’t have shared with a pack of women drinking from penis straws). Before he rolled over, he said that we were going on holiday in a week. He squeezed the soft flesh above my hip and said: You feeling beach ready?
SORRYI’M LATE!RUTHbreezed into the room the way she breezed into every room. I pushed a flat white across the table and asked her how her weekend at Emily’s was. She said that Evie made her watch an awful thing about a pig but that the new baby was cute. My stomach was churning. There was a couple in the corner of the coffee shop having an argument. The woman’s fringe was dyed in rainbow stripes. I wondered ifshehad a distinctive writing voice—lots ofone-word sentences?I bet she knows how to ask for what she wants in bed.
Ruth was staring. Enola, what’s wrong? Is it him? You know you can talk to me about him, right?
I took a deep breath. So, you know how we are going on holiday?
Ruth tipped her head as if to tell me to continue.
We’re not going to Mexico. We’re going to Kenya. To Watamu.
Ruth’s lips parted, but before she could speak, I told her that I had contacted Aunt Louise and rented her friend’s beach house. Ruth looked down into her coffee. She was silent for a long time. I told her to say something. Fine. She asked me why I lied to her. I told her that I wasn’t sure. I thought she was going to get angry, but she reached for my hand and asked if he understood what the trip meant. I didn’t know why, but her kindness frustrated me. I told her not to be histrionic. It’s just a holiday! I said in the same tone as when something isjust a joke.Ruth blew air and said that she didn’t know where to begin. I picked up my coffee. Well, don’t, then. Just be happy for me. She asked if I had told my mum. I told her that my mum wouldn’t care.
But don’t you think you should tell her? I assume you’re going to be seeing Louise?
