Page 100 of What It's Like in Words
I try to pull away again, but he holds fast. “Please listen, Enola. You owe me that much.”
“I owe you nothing!”
“I think Steph got jealous because she knew that you were the first person in a long time who I was really into. And then when I saw on Instagram that you were seeing that guy, what’s his name, Vinchester?”
“Virinder.”
“Whatever. Look, I got jealous and something happened when we were drunk. She wanted it to happen again but I didn’t.”
My face feels hot and my heart is racing.
“Did you hear me? ButIdidn’t.”
“You lied to me.”
“I didn’t lie to you.”
“I asked you a direct question and you lied!”
“Because it didn’t mean anything and I didn’t want you to make it into a big deal!”
“A big deal… How can you even…?” I try to wriggle free, but he holds my face. I try to remove his hands, but I can’t, and so I hold them as they hold me. I tell him to stop it, but he says no. His eyes are burning. “I’m sorry, Enola. Okay?”
“It’s not enough.”
“I know, look, you’re right. I lied last night. I don’t know why I’m like that. I’m a cunt. I’m an arsehole. I didn’t want to hurt you and I felt attacked and I lied and I’m sorry. I’m sorry, okay?”
He has never apologized like this before. I loosen my grip, and he loosens his. I move away from him and sit at the kitchen table. He sits in the seat opposite. I drop my head and speak into the wood. “When we were together, did anything…?”
“No! Of course not.”
“Is it over now?”
“Yes! Look, it was a huge mistake. She’s very intense and she thought that it all meant something that it didn’t. If anything, Enola, you’re the one who put the idea in my head.”
I think about how he speaks about the women in his life. His ex-girlfriend, Jessica. His stepmother, Karen. Now Steph? Everyone was intense, everyone was crazy, lunatics all.
“So it’s my fault you hooked up with your ex and lied about it?”
He cocks his head. “Honey, I admit that I reacted badly. But to be fair, you had just read my message—”
“I didn’t mean to read your—”
“Yes, fine, you didn’tmeanto read it.” He lifts his hands to instruct me to lower my voice. “But then when you didn’t show up last night, I realized that I had been a twat and I spoke to Pat and he made some really good points. I’m thirty-seven now and everything is finally working out with my book.” He waits for me to respond, but I’m speechless. “Well. That’s something… isn’t it?”
“What is?”
“That I’m telling you I want to be with you.”
He looks as though he’s spent weeks finding me the perfect gift, and it hasn’t occurred to him that I don’t want it. Strangely, the end sequence ofThe Matrixcomes to mind, where Neo sees everything as green coding. I always knew that he was selfish and narcissistic, but, for the first time, I can look past the effect it has and see the mechanics.
“Isn’t this what you want?”
Think about it, Laa. Think about how he makes you feel.
“No,” I say.
His eyes search mine. “But yesterday…”
