Page 44 of What It's Like in Words
I feel like…
Yes?
What I wanted to say was:Why have we barely spoken? What’s changed? Do you love me?But instead, tiptoeing, I asked why he hadn’t invited me to the party. I could have gone with you. I mean, it’s been months and I’ve still not met your friends.
He nodded like he was a detective solving a case. Andthat’sit, isn’t it? Asking Pat to do your illustrations? Come on, Enola. If and when you’re at the illustration stage of your book—because, let’s be clear, you actually have tofinishit first—you could approach anyone to do the art, so why don’t you try being honest about what you’re attempting to do? He placed his palms behind his head and sighed. There was a rise in my chest, then a drop: the last time he moved like that, he was sunbathing.
What? I asked, nervous about what he was going to say and relieved that I hadn’t said everything I was feeling.
It’s just—
What?
Boring.
What is?
All this! I’ve been in a relationship like this before and I won’t do it again.
Like magic, my anger and frustration vanished, and all that was left was incapacitating fear.Please don’t leave me, please don’t leave me, please don’t leave me.I pinged my elastic band under the table, once but hard.
Look, honey, I’m not trying to be a dick…
My hands turned ice-cold.
But I know myself, and I’ve never been someone who responds well to pressure. I don’t know. Maybe going away together was a mistake.
I tried to stop the shake in my voice. No, it wasn’t a mistake. Look, I’m really sorry. I don’t care about you crashing with Steph, okay?
He said it wasn’t just that. He said that some of the situations in Kenya were challenging. Honey, the bites? You completely overreacted. And then it just seemed like everything was a bitintense. You know I’m not a fan of the drama.
But I had asked you multiple times if everything was okay and you said—
He hit his hand to his forehead as if he had just remembered something. Yes! he said.Thatwas the other thing. The constant asking if I was okay. If you want me to be okay then you have to let mebeokay, honey.
I promised him that I would do better. I didn’t mean to put any pressure on you. I really don’t want to break up, I said, putting my head in my hands.
He made a noise like a balloon deflating. Okay, honey. Come on. I never suggestedthat. I looked up and he was grinning and we were back in the beach house and he was pouring wine into my mouth. I told him that I had just missed him. He told me not to be silly. We can spend a couple of weeks apart. That doesn’t have to be a big deal, does it? We smiled at each other, and then he began galloping his fingers over the table. I started humming theWilliam TellOverture, buthe told me I was humming “Ride of the Valkyries.” Warmth returned to my hands as the waiter returned with our cocktails.
We stayed for one more, and then I asked if he wanted to come back to mine. I was nervous about what he might say, but then he showed me his toothbrush.
So, I’m still your girlfriend…?
What do you think?
We watched an episode of a television show in bed on my laptop, and then I moved in toward his body. He turned his face and kissed me properly for the first time since the beach. We had sex, and I focused on him. I needed him to remember how much we wanted each other, to remember that no woman understood him like I did. Afterward, he fell asleep, but adrenaline hammered in my chest. He was back, he was here, he was mine. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t miss a moment.
CHAPTER 13
Roo, I don’t know what I was worried about. It’s all fine! Things are back to how they were at the beginning. Just dating and having fun and not worrying about the future.
Is that what you want?
To have fun? Of course!
Okay. I’m really pleased.
Ruth didn’t sound pleased. How many cups?
