Page 32 of What It's Like in Words
My goodness! That beautiful Kenyan girl?
I nodded and immediately shook my head. No, Louise, Ruth isn’t Kenyan—
But Louise continued: Gosh, she was a spitfire. The pair of you tearing around the garden. How lovely. And a hedge fund? Is that how you met your gentleman—is he in finance? I nodded because it seemed easier, and Louise talked about her ex-boyfriend who was a millionaire.
I stared into my coffee and wished that he was here. I wondered what he was doing: having a nap or reading, or maybe he’d gone to the shop.
Anyway, I’ve got Sam now, Louise continued, before making me promise to come back to Kenya. When I asked her if she would everreturn to England, she said that part of her life was over. I can’t believe that your mother isn’t even there after all that. She’s living in France with a man, you say?
Did I tell her that?
Louise was staring like it was my turn to speak, so I swallowed and said: I guess it was hard for Mum too?
Her features tightened, and she sunk back in her chair. You know, you have her eyes, she said.
IWALKED BACK ALONGthe beach thinking about anything I could to distract myself from Louise.His laugh. The twinkle in his eye. The way he moans when I run my fingers through his hair.
I found him in the pool with his book. How was the mad aunt? he asked without looking up. Ignoring an urge to run over and beg him to never leave me, I said that she was fine, because he didn’t want to know and I didn’t want to tell him.
Shall we eat out tonight?
Sounds good.
He suggested it so effortlessly, and I responded the same way, like normal people in a normal relationship. I wanted to capture the moment: him in the pool with my severed heart in a thought bubble above his head.
Enola, why are you staring at me?
Because I love you and because being with you is like carrying something fragile.
You just look handsome, I said.
Okay, well, stop it, it’s annoying.
Because no one could leave the woman who wanted to have sex all the time, I peeled off the straps of my dress. He watched it fall like water and then placed his book on the side. I stepped out of my underwear. He removed his reading glasses. I lowered myself into the water and removed him from his shorts. His fingers pressed between my ribs as if he might tear the flesh from the bone. I looked up and closed my eyes. Pink and white flowers opened behind my eyelids,and I imagined fireworks. Or not fireworks. A meteor shower. Stars were burning the earth. An ache behind my left eye grew and grew until—
Family is who you choose.
AFTERWARD,HE WENT INSIDE, and I remained in the pool, watching the moon appear, first like crepe paper, then settling white. In the silence, it was impossible not to think about it: the past. And it was worse now because it wasn’t just in my head. It was sitting across a table with red swinging earrings and an ambivalent stare.
Your mother never understood him.
I hated my mum for what she did to Dad. None of what Louise said had been new information—when I was eleven, she had called my grandparents’ house and we talked for a few weeks until Mum put a stop to it. Louise wanted answers and I did too once, but I had learned to stop asking questions. I picked at my arm and noticed then how many little red marks were darkening brown from the sun.
Honey, come inside. You’ll be bitten to shit!
I turned to see him standing with his hands on his hips. Then I noticed the mosquitoes around the pool lights.Fuck!I climbed out and sprinted past him into the house. I could hear him laughing behind me. I stopped in the bedroom like I had forgotten where to go, and he appeared with my sage dress and underwear.
Come on now, honey. A towel was wrapped around me. Let’s get you dry. I couldn’t remember the last time that someone wrapped a towel around me and, at his gentleness, the pressure released, and I started sobbing. He lurched away, and I grabbed the towel before it fell. Are you okay?
Yeeess, he answered, adding a diphthong where it didn’t belong. I’m just getting the spray. His body was as rigid as when I told him there were Portuguese men-of-war in the ocean. He handed me the bottle, and I quickly wiped my eyes and smiled like my tears had been as normal a thing as a sneeze.
Thank you for looking after me.
He said that it was just insect repellent; then he clapped his hands above his head. Gotcha! He showed me a dot of blood on his palm and said: This one already got you.
He went to leave and I asked if he still wanted to go for dinner. He paused at the door.
Why, don’t you?
