Page 65 of Prayer of the Damned
“You sound like you’re worried about her.” I don’t like his insinuations, and turn my gaze from him. Maybe it’s true, Ireally don’t want to see her suffer. But it’s only because I know that any attempt to shed her blood will end in bitter failure. I don’t wish suffering upon her; I just want to banish her back to Oblivion from whence she came. It’s compassion towards her, not any other feeling he dares imply.
“If you mean to act before the Church makes its decision, it’ll be treason. Consider your moves carefully, Bartimaeus. I’m calling Walter now, and I intend to report everything that happened tonight. I hope you’ll be ready for whatever decision they make.”
Ellis doesn’t wait for an answer and leaves the barn. Damn it all, God is putting me to the test and I’m afraid I might not pass it. Where is His compassion? Am I not worthy of compassion? After a few moments I hear Ellis’ voice, certainly speaking with Walter: “So be it,” he says, and fires off orders to his troops to return to base. I’m surprised he didn’t say anything to me before deciding to leave.
I leave for the empty field in a hurry, afraid that Ellis may have taken Belle with him. I let out a sigh of relief as I find her sitting with her back to me on a dry haystack, her eyes turned up towards the sky, tracking Walter’s platoon as they recede into the distance.
I take a deep breath and go to her. Maybe I should just get it over with. Do what needs to be done. Go in, get out, and say goodbye. Maybe we can even skip that part. I don’t need to wait for the Pope’s decision to know what my destiny will be. I’ve been prepared for it since the day I joined the Church.
I sit next to her, but at a safe distance. It doesn’t help, her presence is so powerful that I lose my breath and force my treasonous body to relax. I shift uncomfortably, not knowing what to say. She keeps staring at the sky.
“This is my favorite time of day,” she whispers.
I want to answer that I don’t care, that we have a more important task ahead of us than small talk, but I say nothing. We’re minutes from dawn. The skies seem to be painted in blood, and I chuckle at the all-too-appropriate backdrop for what’s about to happen.
“So how do you want to do it?” I ask coolly. Better that way. Quick and easy. I mustn’t get emotionally involved. I must erase the feelings she’s been stirring in me until now.
She brings her knees up to her chin, rests her head on them and looks at me with such big, beautiful eyes. The moistness in them sends pangs to my heart.
“Just like that, huh? I guess it’s only fair. You’d think I’d get used to it by now,” she says, a tear spilling from one eye. It’s like I can hear my heart cracking.
My hand reaches out and wipes the tear that has reached the bridge of her nose. I rub the wetness between my fingers and examine it. It glimmers under the bleeding illumination of the virgin sun, and my heart skips a beat.
“You know what the most sacred thing in our world is?” I ask without looking at her, but also without waiting for her answer. “Angels’ tears.” I raise my gaze. Her eyes are so black, like the deepest abyss, and I feel myself plummeting right into them. “Demons don’t cry, Belle.”
“Lilith isn’t a demon,” she answers. “You led me to that information. She has wings too, like your friends.”
“She’s pretty far from being an angel too, Belle.”
“Then what is she?”
“She’s not you,” I say without thinking, and she raises her big eyes to me. I’m drowning, drowning, drowning in the depths of her eyes. Deep in her darkness.
“Bar…” Hearing my name slipping out from between her lips is bewitching. Damn it, I’m seriously screwed. Maybe that bastard Ellis was right after all. I’m not holy enough, I’m notstrong enough. “Would it be selfish of me to ask for one day of just nothing?”
“I’m guessing it won’t be long before the Church gives the order, and Ellis and his platoon will be back, and then—”
“I get it.” She turns her gaze back to the skies.
“I can’t give you a day, but I can offer you a few hours.” I watch the sunbeams light up the sparse layer of clouds. The light gradually chases away the bloodbath between darkness and light. At this hour the light wins. In about half a day it’ll lose. And on and on it goes, in an endless circle.
“I guess I’ll have to make do with that.” She gets to her feet and brushes the hay off her dress.
“Where to?” I ask.
“I think I saw a well by the barn, I need to wash this stench off me. Wait for me here,” she says, and disappears behind the barn.
I watch the sun slowly climb, until it’s spreading its light with typical autumn gentleness. Occasionally I peek over my shoulder to see if Belle’s back yet. The more time passes, the more frequently I look, and suspicion starts to take hold of me.
“Belle?” I call out, but there’s no answer.
Am I that stupid? She’s pulled a runner on me. I leap to my feet and run in the direction she went, but as soon as I turn the corner of the barn I regret it. Belle. Naked. Standing on the tips of her toes, trying to hang her dress on a tree branch.
She turns a stunned look to me that quickly gives way to pure rage. “What are you doing?!” she shouts. “I told you to wait!”
“I-I’m sorry,” I stammer like a complete idiot, shielding my eyes with my hand.
“You thought I ran for it, didn’t you?” I hear her breathing heavily like a dragon. “Good God, what did I even ask for? A few hours of imagined freedom, to say goodbye to the possibility of some kind of normal life! Seriously, I quit!”
