Page 42 of Dirty Diana
She nods again.
“You said grad school was a waste of money. That everybody comes out of film school making the same kind of movies.”
“I know. But I need structure. Deadlines. I think it’ll be easier for me there.”
When she throws back the blankets, her face is shiny with sweat. “I’m tired, Diana. I thought when I moved here, big things were going to happen. I don’t expect to be famous or crazy successful, but after all these jobs and hustling, I don’t even have a foot in the door.”
“I don’t—” I start to argue that I don’t either. “Where?”
“NYU.”
Behind us, the radiator clanks, and above us, my neighbors’ radio spits ads. Alicia turns on her side and I do the same, so we’re lying face-to-face.
“How long have you known?”
“I found out three weeks ago.”
“Oh.”
“But it took me a minute to make up my mind. It’s not happening for me here, Diana.”
“We haven’t been trying for that long.”
“I still haven’t finished a short or worked on a professional film. There’s no real film scene here. I’m just working longer hours at jobs I don’t like and making less stuff. My dad says he’ll pay for school and that as long as I’m enrolled, he’ll help me out.”
In high school, I used to sit on the floor of the bookstore and read self-help books without buying them. I remember reading that “envy” meant wanting what the other person has but not wanting to take it from them, whereas “jealousy” meant wanting what the other person has and not wanting them to have it either. I feel ribbons of heat run through my entire body, envy and jealousy coursing through my veins, up to my head. She has a net to catch her. A soft place to land. She has a plan and somewhere safe to be.
I swallow to quiet the thrum of blood in my ears.This is good for her. She’s leaving without me. This is good for her. She’s leaving.“It’ll be weird here without you.”
Alicia brightens. “You could come too?”
“To New York?”
“Why not? I can float you until you find a job. There are atonof catering jobs there.” She sees me wince. “I’m not saying you’ll cater forever. You’ll keep painting—it’ll just be until we get our big breaks.”
I cling onto her optimism, like I have for years, but I also want toshake it right out of her. “I can’t leave Justine right now. She has three big shows in the fall.” Alicia knows I don’t want to leave Jasper, either, but can’t bring myself to say it yet.
“Justine doesn’t give a shit about you, Diana. Don’t stay for her. She’ll befine.”
Despite her optimism, I can see that she’s afraid too. “You’llbe fine without me,” I tell her. “It’s going to be life-changing.”
She narrows her eyes, studies me closely, then smiles. “You’ll change your mind.”
I laugh. “Probably.” Then with a deep exhale, “Barry’s going to be fucking crushed.”
“He’ll replace me.”
“Barry loves you.” We both know that by “Barry” I really mean “me.”
She nods. “I love him too. But I need something good to happen, Diana. Something that makes me feel like I’m not crazy for wanting what I want.”
“You’re not crazy. It’s a smart move.”
We sit up and sip our coffee in silence.
—
Three nights later, I wake in a cold sweat. I dreamed the most obvious dreams of rejection. Manila envelopes full of my work being opened then thrown in the trash. Even asleep and inside the dream, it all felt too long and too boring, but still the sting of rejection felt real.
