Page 40 of Dirty Diana
I look at him and try to picture the knotted thoughts that keep him up at night unfurling now, hopefully dissipating in the cold air. I try to do the same with my own worries about money. About work. About Jasper and whether this feeling between us can last.
“It’s beautiful out,” I say and focus only on the sky, which looks like rain. He smiles and lifts my chin, kissing me gently.
“This is my new favorite night,” he announces, and now I smile too.What a good idea to take him for a walk,I think.Am I some kind of goddamn healer?Maybe.
“Heads or tails?”
“Sorry?”
Jasper holds a coin in his palm. It is slightly thicker than a quarter.
I take it from his hand and laugh. “Of course.”
“What?”
“Of course you don’t carry a regular quarter in your pocket.”
He looks wounded. “It’s an Eisenhower dollar,” he says, his face grave. “My grandfather gave it to me just before he died.”
“Oh, I’m sorry—”
“I’m kidding.” He nudges my shoulder. “The lady at the 7-Eleven gave it to me with my change. I think it’s actually an arcade token.”
He flips the coin. “Heads,” I call. He looks up at me and shakes his head, sorry. “You’re going over first.” I laugh and step my foot into his cupped hands. He hoists me over the fence, then gracefully hops over after me.
Jasper sits on one of the three swings and motions for me to join him. I take the swing next to him and we sway back and forth. The night is quiet and so are we. Coyotes yip again in the distance and a tease of that sinking sensation returns. A feeling that Jasper and I won’t last. Despite what feels thrilling when we’re together, something picks at me around the edges and won’t leave, like someone offstage whispering a forgotten line, telling me all truly good things are ephemeral.
I need to know that we are not doomed. I stand and move to his swing and he pulls me onto his lap. I lean my head back so that we’re cheek to cheek. Breathing the same air. Then I shift so I can see his profile, his dark lashes, the outline of his full pouty lips. It’s impossible to be concerned about anything else besides how soon we can havesex.
There is no one else out. The playground is empty. We’ve kicked off our boots and the sand is cold on our feet.
“I miss you,” I tell him.
“I miss you too.”
“Do you know my favorite movie?” I ask.
“Mmm. Something…Italian?”
I smile. “That narrows it down.”
“Japanese?”
I push against the sand to give us a little swing.
“Die Hard Three,” he says with a grin.
“Nope.” I shake my head. “It was a trick question. I don’t have one.”
“Why are you tricking me?”
“Why don’t you know my favorite movie?”
“Because you don’t have one.” Jasper kisses me. The warmth of his lips on mine pulls me out of my spiral. He does know me. Better than anyone ever has. I look up at the sky, eager to drink in this expansive feeling. Jasper kisses my throat with small, sweet kisses, pulling down my T-shirt so he can suck on my breast. I hate that sex can fix anything with us. It has too much power. It can make any moment extraordinary.Just enjoy it,I tell myself but a part of me still believes I am postponing the inevitable.
Jasper takes my nipple in between his teeth and bites it with just enough pressure. I close my eyes as his mouth moves back up my neck, the kisses becoming more intense. The first raindrops fall, wispy and wet against the sand at our feet. Headlights wash over us then disappear as Jasper sucks hard on the side of my neck. I think of the bruise he’ll leave. We are past the point of it leaving a mark. Fuck it. I’ll wear turtlenecks all summer if I have to. He pulls his mouth from my neck and whispers in my ear, “I want to fuck you now. Is that okay?” The rain falls harder, in steadier, fatter drops. A warm sensation spreads through my groin and I feel Jasper growing hard beneath me. I lift my hips and, never leaving his lap, slide my pants down my thighs. He pulls my underwear aside and I take him in my hand, caressing the head of his penis up and down the wettest part of me. I tease him as I guide him closer to my vagina, but pull him up so he’s rubbing against my clit instead.
“Is this okay?” he asks again, breathier this time. I don’t answer. Igive him what he’s waiting for and press the full weight of my hips into him, grinding into his pelvis so he can be as deep inside me as possible. He shudders inside me. “Jesus, Diana. You feel too good.”
