Page 50 of Drive Me Crazy
“We’re cool!” I paste a smile on my face even though I’m mentally screaming. “Cooler than an ice cube.”
I can’t fault Blake for how he feels. He doesn’t date. Rejection stings, but I’m a big girl. I’ll get over it. I just need about thirty to ninety business days to do so. Formula 1 has a month off starting tomorrow, and you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be using that time to lick my wounds. See you at the end of August, Blake! Hopefully, distance doesn’t make my heart grow fonder.
TWENTY-TWO
Blake
I PRETEND it doesn’t matter. I try convincing myself that she’s a fever dream I can easily forget. But you don’t forget a girl like Ella, whether you meet her in line for Starbucks or spend months traveling the world with her. She leaves that type of impression. Trying to protect my heart with barbed wire is useless when a simple smile from her can cut it straight away.
My nights are spent tossing and turning; it turns out my favorite dreams and worst nightmares both have the same main character. My days are spent strategizing with my team on the upcoming second half of the season, trying to distract myself from the loneliness that’s starting to creep in. Being alone never bothered me before. In fact, I welcomed it. But I’ve gotten so used to having Ella around every day that I feel lonely for the first time in years.
After a week of not eating, barely sleeping, and partying with Theo to try to distract myself, I call my therapist for an emergency appointment. There are too many feelings to process and I’m comfortable enough to say I can’t do it on my own.
I’ve been seeing Paul on and off since I was a kid. Ourrelationship switched back to “on” after last season’s fiasco. His office is filled from top to bottom with textbooks, the walls adorned with his impressive degrees and accolades. I need those degrees to pull me out of the hole I’ve dug for myself. A ladder, a rope—anything he’s willing to offer me because I’m spiraling.
Each session leaves me emotionally drained and physically exhausted. I dread and eagerly anticipate each one with equal spirit. It’s been a trying few weeks. As I lean back into the worn-in leather chair in his pristine office for the second time this week, Paul lightly pushes me to open up about Ella. I have been, albeit slowly, but it’s a punch in the gut every time I do. I treated her like she means nothing when she actually means everything. And the worst part is, even though I want to make it up to her, to tell her how much I do like her, I’m not sure I’m capable of giving her what she needs. I’m trying not to hide from my emotions, but sometimes I’m scared to dive in because they’re so deep I’m worried I’ll drown.
“What if I really let her in and she hates what she sees?” I ask Paul.
I bounce my leg in an attempt to shake off the discomfort gnawing at me. I’ve opened up to Ella more than I’ve opened up to most people, but I’m still holding back. Still not letting her see all the parts of me. The part that my mum broke long ago, that my dad did nothing to fix, that the praise from the world barely holds together.
Paul sips his coffee. It’s in a “World’s #1 Grandpa” cup. I’ve only seen him repeat mugs a few times. And it doesn’t matter if my appointment’s at 7:00 a.m. or 8:00 p.m., he always has a cup of coffee in hand. Never tea. It’s as much a part of his identity as his combed-over salt-and-pepper hair or his gray-blue eyes.
“It’s not easy opening up, allowing people to see the parts of you that you want to keep hidden and private. It’s always arisk to expose ourselves emotionally. A lot of people struggle with vulnerability, Blake. You’re not alone in feeling this way. Far from it.”
“Really?”
“Really.” His smile is annoyingly sincere. “Sharing the most honest version of yourself—cracks, cuts, and scars—that’s scary. But opening up, letting people know therealyou, not the you that you want them to see … that’s the foundation of forging intimate relationships that last. That vulnerability allows us to find the people we want to be in our lives.”
“I want Ella in my life.” Her name tastes sweet as sugar in my mouth. “As more than just a friend. I just … I don’t know. It’s not like I have a great example of what a relationship should look like. Or how to get someone to stay.”
“Tell me about her.”
“About Ella? What do you want to know?”
Paul never misses a beat. “Anything you feel comfortable sharing.”
“Uh, okay. Well, she’s beautiful. Not just physically beautiful either. She has this contagious energy that brings a smile to everyone’s face. You know those people who just light up a room when they walk into it?”
I pause barely long enough for Paul to nod.
“Ella walks into a room and fucking blinds everyone. She has this type of beauty that doesn’t only demand attention, it requires it and sucks you in until you can’t see anything else. I’ve never met anyone like her. She wants to spend time with me because she genuinely likes me. It’s not because of my job or my money or what I can do for her. She shows me she cares without even having to say anything.”
My entire face is warm with embarrassment. I don’t think I’ve ever said that much to Paul about anything, ever. He’s great at keeping his face blank as a slate, so I have no idea what he’s thinking.
“Andhow have things been since Italy?”
I’d filled him in on that situation two sessions ago.
“Not great. I didn’t see her until the race in London and it was awkward. George was there, so we were never alone or one-on-one. She’s not ignoring me, but she’s notnotignoring me if that makes sense.”
Ella’s stubborn as hell. Most of the time, I respect it, but her determination to act like she doesn’t care that things are off between us hurts.
He nods in understanding. I’m praying he doesn’t go cliché therapist on me and ask how that makes me feel.
“Why do you think you might be hesitant in being with Ella?”
He waits patiently while I come up with how to verbalize what’s going on in my head.
