Page 82 of Drive Me Crazy
“Did you know that if you Google my name, the first two search pages are all about Connor and PlayMedia? I’ll forever be attached to them.”
“It’s something that happened to you, Ella, but it isn’t who you are.”
She’s right, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I sink further into my seat, fighting off tears. I’m not sure how my body is still producing more; I feel like I should be all cried out at this point.
“I don’t want Blake to think that what he did was acceptable, even if it wasn’t on purpose. The means don’t always justify the ends.”
“It’s more common than you’d think,” she reveals soothingly.
“Oh, is it? You have other clients whose boyfriends have gone on a talk show and went into detail about their girlfriend’s trauma?” My body flinches back at how harsh my words are. “Sorry … that was rude of me.”
“It’s okay.” Cindy ignores my bitchiness. “A lot of people—whether it be a dad, a sister, a boyfriend—have anger and hate toward the person who hurt their loved one. Unfortunately, they don’t realize how their responses can traumatize you even more. It’s why a lot of well-meaning people make crappy decisions.”
“How would I even go about forgiving him?”
I can’t imagine my life without Blake, but I also don’t know how to reconcile who he is with what he did. This isn’t like he left the toilet seat open or forgot an anniversary.
“Even if Blake didn’t hurt you purposefully, it still takes a lot of strength to forgive someone. You’re not making excuses for his behavior or condoning it, but you are choosing to acceptwhat happened, acknowledging how you feel about it, and then moving on from it.”
All I want to do is move on, but it’s like I’m trapped underneath a layer of fog. Everything is heavy and hurts. The ache in my throat grows stronger. I’ve been getting a lot better at actually allowing myself to feel my feelings the past week, and it’s been just as cathartic as it’s been painful.
MY YOUNGER BROTHER may be a pain in the ass sometimes, but he’s also a secret sweetheart. He told me he’s home for the weekend because he didn’t have a hockey game, but I know it’s really to check up on me. It’s nice having him here. He can’t solve my problems, but he can keep me company as I hibernate on the couch.
“Morning,” my brother greets me. “Want coffee?”
“Yes, please.”
Tyler reappears a few minutes later with two steaming mugs. After handing me one, he settles onto the other side of the couch.
“What are you doing up so early?” he asks.
It’s 6:30 a.m. I usually sleep until at least 8:00 or 9:00 a.m. on the weekends if I can.
“The race is on soon,” I admit with a slight blush.
“And you’re going to watch?” I can’t tell if he’s impressed or bothered. “You’re such a masochist.”
“Big word for such a small brain,” I tease him. “Do you want to watch with me? I could use a buddy.”
“Can we cheer if Blake crashes?”
He smiles slyly, flashing a dimple that matches my own. I lean over and smack him on the arm. The memory of Blake’s crash in Baku still haunts me even though he’s been in a few minor ones since then.
“Kidding,kidding!” Tyler chuckles under his breath. “Have you guys talked recently?”
I shake my head. It’s only been a week without talking to Blake, but it’s my own personal hell. Dante forgot to write about the tenth circle, but I’m there and am more than happy to fill him in. The worst part about it is that the person I want holding my hand through all of this is the person who put me in this position in the first place.
“You know I’ve got your back, right?” Tyler says after a few minutes. “I’ll kick Blake’s ass if you give me the word.”
It’s a toss-up who’d win that fight. “I appreciate it, Ty.”
He releases a deep breath, biting his lip in concentration. “If I were in Blake’s position, on that show, I can’t say I’d do anything differently than he did. I mean, I probably wouldn’t have kept talking, but I couldn’t have sat there calmly while someone said that shit about the guy who assaulted you.” He pauses. “Remember when I had a one-game suspension last year?”
“Mm-hmm.”
Tyler got into a bar fight and ended up breaking someone’s nose. No one pressed charges, but Tyler’s coach suspended him nonetheless.
“I overheard some guys talking,” he says slowly.
