Page 52 of Drive Me Crazy
Paul is worth the 250 pounds a session and then some because I end the summer break with a determination to fix things with Ella. I’m willing to put in the work to be the kind of man she deserves. The kind who can give her the world. I want to be vulnerable with her, no matter how much time it takes to get there. I don’t know what will happen, but I know I’d be doing a disservice to myself by not trying just because I’m scared. That’s not who I want to be.
She has a magnetism that easily draws you in—and the closer you get, the harder it is to pull away. But I’m done trying to fight it. Someone better get out the checkered flag because I’m ready to win back what’s mine.
TWENTY-THREE
Ella
I CAN’T EVEN GO to therapy without seeing Blake. I’m flipping through aPeoplemagazine in the waiting area, only to find his dumb, handsome face smiling up at me. It’s a red-carpet photo from some Marvel movie premiere he went to last week.Fuck that.The room’s empty since it’s a Friday night at seven o’clock—the only time my therapist could squeeze me in—so no one sees me dramatically toss the magazine in the trash.
“Ella,” my therapist Cindy greets me. She’s wearing a deep brown lipstick, but somehow there are no smudges of it on the mug she’s holding. “It’s great to see you.”
“You too.” I follow her into her spacious office, noting the potted plants that have taken up residence on her windowsill. The soft lighting of the room eases my nerves as I settle into the gray couch facing her chair.
I spend the next twenty minutes giving her a condensed recap of my past five months. She nods, occasionally asking questions while jotting things down in her notebook. Once I’m done speaking, I take a deep breath. I feel like I just gave a commencement speech or something.
“Howdo you feel about seeing Blake next week once your break is over?”
“Nervous,” I say. “I mean, overall I feel great … besides that. For the first time in a while, I feel like I’m in a really good spot professionallyandpersonally. I just don’t want my feelings for Blake to affect that, you know?”
I cringe at my own words. It sounds like I’m in fifth grade complaining about a stupid boy not liking me back.
“I’m pissed that I thought he could want more than just sex,” I admit. “We have such a great time together. It’s just … I don’t know how to explain it. Everything with him is just easy. It feels so right. But God forbid he forms any sort of an emotional attachment.”
My words sound just as bitter as they taste. Blake’s made it clear where he stands with the paparazzi pictures of him leaving clubs with Titty Titty Bang Bang and Ms. Silicone Valley two days into the break. I may not be able to mute him in real life, but at least I can mute celebrity gossip sites on social media. Can’t escape aPeoplemagazine, though.
“I get why that would be frustrating,” Cindy says, her voice soothing my annoyance. “Relationships require a lot of responsibility and Blake may not be at a point where he knows how to value something deeper.”
“I wear oversized shirts and sweatshirts most of the time,” I point out. “And hestillonly sees me for sex. How is that even possible? It’s not exactly great for my self-esteem.”
“Physical connection is common, but mental connection? That’s rare. It’s why it’s a lot harder to find.”
She sounds just like my mom. I wonder if they colluded before my appointment.
Cindy crosses her legs before asking, “When you kissed, did you feel like you were in control of the situation?”
I take a moment to think about it. After everything withConnor, the idea of putting myself in a vulnerable position with a man holds zero appeal. “I didn’t feel like he would take advantage of me or anything like that. It was obvious he wanted me to be cool with a casual bang, but once I said no, he respected that.”
“That’s great.” Cindy smiles at me. “Even if the situation didn’t end how you wanted it to, you were given an opportunity to regain your sense of personal control and you took it. That’s big, Ella.”
For every negative thought I have, Cindy’s always there to give me two positive ones.
“George suggested I apply to jobs in London at the end of the season,” I say, pivoting the conversation away from Blake.
“Would you be interested in moving to London?”
“I’d definitely consider it,” I say, surprising even myself. “Getting away from this city was probably the best thing I could’ve done for myself, but moving there full-time is a big commitment.”
“It is,” she agrees. “What kind of jobs would you be interested in pursuing?”
“Blake got me a portable podcasting set,” I admit. I’d failed to mention that in my recap. “I tried using it once and panicked, so I don’t think podcasting is a viable option.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I can’t even hit record without freaking out.” I tuck my hair behind my ear, an overwhelming sense of dread creeping through my bones. “How can I podcast if that’s how I react? I just want to move the hell on already, you know?”
“Wanting to let the past be the past is a normal part of the recovery process, Ella,” Cindy reminds me. “But eventually, we need to deal with our fears in order to heal and take control of our lives. If you could podcast without those feelings of fear and panic, is it something you wouldwantto pursue?”
Listeningto a podcast is like hanging out with friends while they discuss your favorite things. Being the person to create that? Fucking magical. I miss it.
