Page 84 of Catching the Coach
Someone forgot their mitt, thankfully I have extras. Boys run into each other in the outfield trying to catch a pop fly. Joey jammed his thumb warming up. It’s one minor shit show after another. With 20 minutes left of practice I make the decision to cut practice short and just let the kids hang out until their parents show up.
Kara sits next to me in the dugout while we watch the boys play around, tossing balls to each other. “You doing ok?”
I shrug my shoulders instead of answering. I feel off, and I can’t explain it. Like something bad is on the horizon and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I have to wonder if it’s because I’ve failed to tell Kessler the truth, or if it’s something bigger.
Kara nudges me with her shoulder. “He’s going to understand,” she says, trying to reassure my fears.
“I know, but is he going to judge me for it? Is he going to decide I’m actually all those things Jared called me years ago? I’m mean Jesus, what are the fucking odds. My baby daddy and my boyfriend are both famous MLB players.” I shake my head and take a deep breath, forcing back the tears threatening to fall. “I can’t keep this from Hudson any longer either.” I look over at Kara. “Hudson met him at the game Kessler took the boys to.”
Kara lets out a gasp and covers her mouth. “And you’re just telling me this now?” she nearly shouts.
“I just freaking found out about it the other day!” I reply, closing my eyes and thumping the back of my head against the dugout wall.
“What happened?”
“Nothing that I know of. That’s the morning I lost my shit and ruined breakfast. I wasn’t exactly in the state of mind to ask questions,” I remind her.
Kara blows out a breath. “Shit.”
“Yeah, shit,” I say back.
Cars start arriving to pick up kids ending our conversation. Once everyone’s picked up, Kara, the boys and I head to our vehicles. Before I close the hatch, Kara gives me a hug and I hold tight, feeling her love and support in the embrace. She pulls back and whispers, “Hang in there.” Before getting into her car and leaving the lot.
I climb into my own car and pull out of the lot and head to the house. “Why did Aunt Kara give you a hug?” Hudson asks, looking at me.
I inhale a deep breath through my nose and hold it for a few beats before releasing it. Tapping my finger on the steering wheel, I mull my words over in my head, making a decision. “Hudson, there’s something I have to talk to you about.” I stop at the light and turn to look at him. “About your father.”
Hudson’s eyebrows shoot up and his mouth opens slightly. “My dad? But why? I, what?” he says, confusion in his face.
A horn honks behind me making us both jump. I hold my hand up in apology and drive through the light and head towards our house. Hudson’s quiet the rest of the drive, playing with a loose thread on his shirt. I pull into the driveway and turn the car off, casting us in silence. I unbuckle my seatbelt and turn towards him. “Hudson, before I tell you what I need to tell you, I hope you know I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. I love you and you have and always will be my whole world. Everything I’ve ever done since having you, has been for you and me. Ok?”
He looks at me, eyes wide, and nods his head. “Remember a few years ago, you asked why you didn’t have a dad?”
He nods.
“And I told you he decided it was a lot of responsibility to have a kid and that was just something he wasn’t ready for?”
He nods again, picking at the string again.
“Well that part is true, he wasn’t ready for the responsibility. The part that wasn’t completely true was that it was just someone I knew from college.” My heart rate speeds up and my heart feels like it’s trying to beat out of my throat. I take a steadying breath and swallow past the lump that's formed in my throat. “You actually met him, about a month ago, at Judd’s game. I didn’t know you had until the other morning when you said something to Kessler, when you saw him on TV,” I end on a whisper.
Hudsons head snaps up, his blue green eyes, the only thing he got from his father, connecting with mine. “What? You mean, you mean, Jared Cox is my dad?”
I nod, not trusting my voice to say anything.
“But… how, what? I don’t understand.”
Sometimes I have to remind myself Hudson is only 11. He’s always been so mature for his age. Side effects of being raised by a single mom I guess. So sitting here seeing his emotions cross his face, makes me wonder if I’ve done the right thing.
“We dated for a very short time in college, I got pregnant with you and he decided he wasn’t ready for a kid, so I raised you on my own,” I tell him, leaving out the details an 11-year-old doesn’t need to know.
I can see the wheels turning in his head, trying to make sense of what I’ve just told him.
“So why are you telling me now?” he asks.
“Because with Kessler in our lives, it’s going to come out eventually. The media likes to dig.”
“So Kessler knows?”
