Page 34 of Come As You Are
“I need sleep,” I said. “Do you want help getting down the hall or are you okay?”
In answer, Vee put his hands out, and I steadied him as he stood, then helped him to the bedrooms. I hesitated at the door to my room unsure about whether Vee expected to sleep in my bed again, then surprised myself by realizing I wanted him to be there.
“Join me?” I asked and watched Vee’s eyes go wide. “Just to sleep.” Another yawn. “I’m in no shape for anything else, and with your foot, it’s probably not a good idea, but…? Do you?”
Vee smiled. “You’re very cute when you’re unsure of yourself,” he said. “And yes. I do.”
It was strange climbing into bed with someone without lust and desire driving our interaction. There was no frantic removal of clothing, no desperate need to get off, or concern about what the other person needed, only turning off the lights, lifting the covers, and lying down. And then the awareness that another person was next to me and not knowing if I should touch him or hold him.
It seemed as if all my brain had done this evening was spin and spiral, but at least this time it ended when I fell asleep.
I woke the nextday with Vee curled in my arms and no idea when we’d come together during the night. It was lovely feeling his weight and warmth against my chest, and I took a moment to stare at his sleeping face before sliding from the bed as carefully as I could. It was early for me to get going on a day off, but we both had things to do today.
Olivia arrived around nine to take Vee to get his ankle checked out, and then Maria arrived a half hour later to help me get ready for round two of auditions at the Grotto. I fully expected to be eliminated after this round, and honestly, I was hoping for it. Even though the first round had gone well, I wasn’t interested in being a part of the pageant. My purpose was to scope out the Grotto, watch Orsino, and see if I recognized anyone who might be sabotaging Illyria. Maria had been correct that no one seemed to recognize me, which was great. But I also hadn’t seen anything that would help Olivia figure out who the saboteur was,and that was why I needed to get back into costume for another try. Yay, me.
Suffice it to say, I wasn’t cut out to be a spy, and I definitely wasn’t meant to be a drag queen. I had no idea how Maria and the other queens dealt with the makeup, the hair, the heels, all the corsetry, and the fucking duct tape without going nuts, but I hated it. Add in the fact that I couldn’t get ready on my own so Maria had to come over and help me, and then I needed to take a Lyft over to the Grotto because it was impossible for me to walk the few blocks without breaking my neck or crippling my feet, and I was not the happiest of performers. Everything was too tight or itched or made my body hurt. More power to Maria and her girls, but I was not made for this kind of work, and would be happy when my time undercover came to an end.
I arrived at the Grotto in my red evening dress, and made my way to the upstairs theater clutching my heels so I didn’t break my neck on the stairs. I had no idea how Olivia managed to make it look so easy, and couldn’t imagine how she’d made it up the stairs to my apartment the previous night while supporting Vee. And like that, I was thinking about the two of them, and wondering if I’d ever get a chance to wake up with Olivia in my arms the way I had with Vee just a few hours before.
The second round of auditions had already started by the time I made it to the theater. Orsino and Stormy Cs were sitting at a small table watching one of the pageant hopefuls go through her routine. I got my number, then found an out-of-the-way spot where I could lean against the wall—I’d split the seams in my dress if I tried to sit down—and observe the people who came and went.
I couldn’t get a great handle on Orsino and Stormy and whether they were really interested in this pageant. It had definitely been thrown together last minute, and I got the feeling the Grotto’s regular performers were not happy about it bythe way a few of them clustered in the back making sarcastic comments about the quality of the contestants. The Grotto showcased both fem and masc trans strippers in a way I thought was exploitative, almost presenting them like they were a circus sideshow for the curious to gawk at. The idea that Orsino might see Olivia in the same way he saw his performers made my blood boil.
I wasn’t one to criticize someone’s choice of work as long as they’d freely chosen what they were doing, but I also knew that the definition of “freely chosen” was often a matter of privilege. Not every trans person had a safe place to live or someone to care for them, and so many of them ended up doing sex work because they didn’t have any other alternatives. Olivia was fortunate, but I also knew this vendetta Orsino seemed to have against her was personal for more reasons than just the future of Illyria.
Carefully easing my way closer to the small group of performers so I could overhear their conversation, I was distracted by a familiar figure entering the space and making their way over to Orsino. I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes as I watched Andrew sit down at the table next to Stormy. Illyria’s lead dancer? He was our spy? Our saboteur? As surreptitiously as I could, I got my phone out and took a pic of him. It wasn’t a great shot since Andrew was turned three-quarters of the way away from me, but I thought it looked good enough to show Olivia. Then I sidled up to the Grotto performers and did my best to ask who the newcomer was as nonchalantly as I could.
“I don’t remember seeing him during the first round,” I said.
“Him?” one of the dancers said. “That’s Aaron. He’s our choreographer.”
“How often is he here?” I asked.
The person I’d been talking to looked at the other performers, and they all shrugged. “A couple of times a week maybe. Wedon’t really change things up that much, so we don’t always see him.”
I thanked them and stepped away again. Was it possible Andrew was working at both Illyria and the Grotto? And if so, could he really be innocent? Vee’s quick hiring made sense if Andrew were our culprit, but him undermining Olivia didn’t because I couldn’t figure out a motive. I wasn’t going to figure it out if I stayed there, but I did run the risk of being found out if I went through with the audition, so I got out of there as quickly as I could without attracting attention.
When I was back on the main level, I paused for a moment to slip my heels back on, then steadied myself against the wall until I regained my balance. I pulled my phone out and called for a Lyft to take me home. As I stood just inside the front door to wait for my driver, I turned to watch two of the Grotto’s employees walk across the dance floor and down a hall where one of them tapped in a code to open a locked door.
For a moment, I felt as if I’d dropped into an alternative universe where the Grotto had become Illyria. The two men had passed through my field of vision so quickly, and I’d been completely preoccupied with thoughts about Andrew, that I thought my brain was playing tricks on me. I’d have sworn one of those guys had been Festus, but it couldn’t have been. It must have been someone who looked enough like him that my brain took the incomplete image and filled in the missing pieces with what I knew of Festus. It made sense especially when coupled with the shock of seeing Andrew upstairs, but I still felt like I was Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole as I left the Grotto.
As my Lyft arrived, my phone buzzed with a message from Vee. He and Olivia had finished up at the doctor and were heading back home.
How’s your ankle?I texted to him.
Only a sprain. I’m on crutches for the next week tho. ?
Sorry.
It could be worse.
There was a pause, and then the three dots as Vee typed.Olivia’s gonna order pizza. Do you want?
Did I want pizza? Sure, but more than that, I’d get to spend time with Olivia. I couldn’t type my agreement quickly enough.
By the time I got home, Vee had already texted me that he and Olivia had arrived, and the pizza would be there in about twenty minutes.
Awesome, I typed as I climbed the stairs to my place.
