Page 70 of For You I'd Mend
“Whenever you’re ready. If we can’t get into Antonia’s, we can just grab a bite at Church.”
“You want to take me to Antonia’s?”
“You don’t like their food?”
“I do, but it’s really nice. We could just get take out and head back to your place. I’d kind of like to talk about the other night.”
He started bouncing his knee. “We should talk now and then go to Antonia’s. It’s where I’ve always imagined taking you on our first date. We skipped ahead a few steps, but technically we haven’t had our first date.”
I wondered how long he’d been imagining our first date and why the thought of going on it made him so nervous. Maybe he wanted to pull back again now that we’d released all that pent-up sexual energy?
Fuck that.
“As long as I don’t have to wait two dates more to get a return invite to your air mattress.”
His knee bounced harder. Shit. That wasn’t a good sign.
“Theo,” I said, placing my hand on his knee. “Is everything all right?”
He didn’t say anything and my heart sank. Something was definitely wrong. Maybe he had second thoughts about us, and the date was his way of feeling out if he wanted to be with me. Those old geezers did put a lot of pressure on him. My sketch wasn’t exactly subtle either. A slight tremor started in my fingers. Theo noticed and grabbed my hand.
“Just say it,” I said, pushing out the words like they were made of needles.
“There’s something you should know about me,” he said, squeezing my hand. “Something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was afraid you’d think less of me.”
I thought I knew Theo better than anyone outside my family. The fact he’d kept a big secret from me made my stomach ache. My mind swirled through all the possibilities. Maybe he had an online girlfriend. Maybe he had a kid from the brief time he slept around. Maybe he had a super weird fetish and was embarrassed to tell me about it.
“Spit it out, Theo, before I puke,” I said, pulling my hand from his.
He blew out a breath. “So, you’ve seen my tats and piercings.”
I nodded.
“They’re not entirely aesthetic. Sometimes I do them because I want to feel the pain.”
“Crap on a cracker,” I said. “OK. Well, I’ve never tried BDSM but if that’s what you’re into, I guess I could give it a whirl. I mean clearly, I’ve never tried it since you’re the first man I’ve been with all the way. You’d have to tell me what to do. Wait, if you like feeling pain would that make me the Domme? Youkind of took charge the other night, so I’m a little confused. But I guess it’s like acting, right? It might take me a couple weeks to get ready. No way am I buying a whip in person anywhere around here.”
Theo’s lips quirked.
“You’re not talking about being a sub, are you?” I asked, burying my face in my hands.
He gently pulled my fingers from my face and held both my hands in his. “It’s more like a pressure release for me than something pleasurable.”
“Oh. That’s um—”
“Not normal,” he said, his knee bouncing again. “Neither is the cutting.”
“Cutting?”
He nodded.
“You cut yourself?”
He nodded again. His hands suddenly felt clammy in mine, or maybe mine were the one’s sweating.
“It’s not what you think,” he said. “I’m not suicidal. Even after Logan died and I went to prison, I never once wanted to take my life.”
“Just hurt yourself?”
