Page 75 of It’s All in How You Fall
Alex, who we haven’t talked about all week, who seemed completely normal, almostpurposefullynormal all week. In fact, the only time something was amiss was when he was concerned for me tonight. “Did Alex…?” Did Alexwhat? I’m not sure how to reasonably finish my own question. Turn out to be a creep? Stand her up and lie to me about their date? Did…what? My mind is blanking out, and my panic is rising.
What don’t I know?
“Alex—” Sunny says pointedly, picking up my sentence, “is everything you and Peregrine said he was.”
I breathe a shallow sigh of relief. The panic in me crests and then recedes, but I can’t ignore that it’s still there. The feeling is exactly the same when you make a save on beam—you’re still standing, but your confidence is shaken.
As Sunny continues, I know a true fall is coming. I’m just not sure if it’s a simple slip or a total wipeout like my final, disastrous Arabian.
“He’s kind, charming, level-headed, goal-oriented, and a perfect gentleman.” She pauses. “Alex is exactly what you said he would be and exactly the type of guy I should date.”
I brace for the crash of the coming, inevitable caveat, and Sunny must know it because she reaches out and covers my hand with hers. Her palm is warm from the teacup and roughly calloused from hours of bar work, and her nails sparkle with starry night glitter.
“But…,” I supply, my attention speared on our mingling hands.
“But… even though Alex is all those things, he simply isn’t for me.”
My mind whirs to a static-laced halt. Am I the one who has to tell him? That I got his hopes up, made it happen, and… it’s not going to work out?
Maybe Coach Bev will be happy about one fewer distraction, but that won’t make it any easier for Alex, and might actually help to prove her point about how he should only focus on tennis—everything else causes complications.
“Sunny, you don’t have to explain at all. I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’m sorry that you had to go through that exercise—I know you weren’t sure about it and—”
“Caroline.”
My lips snap shut and my eyes jump to hers.
Sunny smiles softly, her gaze unwavering. “Caroline, he’s not for me because he’s for you.”
I—what.
I blink at her. She gives a little nod, her eyes furiously reading mine, searching for understanding that isn’t there.
I gape long enough that she finally just continues with a squeeze of my hand. “Every moment I was with Alex, it was increasingly clear that though he may have once had a crush on me, he was only on that date because you wanted him to be. He only wanted to make you happy.”
I start shaking my head. “No, no. That can’t be…” My words trail off into the same void that’s devoured all the others since this whiplash of a conversation started, but even as the words are falling out of my mouth, the way he looked at me on the couch—heck, the way he looked at mean hour ago—hits me like a ton of bricks.
“It is.” Again Sunny catches my train of thought with the same sure confidence that she displays at the start of each and every competition routine. “I called him Monday. We met up after practice—and I told him my suspicions about his feelings, and after he nearly melted into his chair, I asked him point-blank how he felt about you.”
Imight melt into my chair hearing this—my cheeks burn and I should take another sip of water but I’m afraid my hand will tremble.
Sunny’s expression doesn’t shift. Doesn’t let up. Her voice is low but sure and the only thing I can hear over the very loud drumbeat ofbut but but but but butin my head. “I won’t tell you exactly what he said because I think you should hear it from him, but I can confirm that Alex Zavalalikes youmuch more than hepreviouslyliked me.”
I’ve spent so much time denying my feelings—at first because I was sure I didn’t have them, and then because Ididand didn’t want to ruin the perfection that should’ve been Alex and Sunny—that I can’t stop denying that this is happening.
No matter how stern Sunny is or how badly I really, really want to believe this is true.
Still, despite my internal knob set hard todenial, Sunny continues, calmly. “I asked if he wanted to act on his feelings and that was a more complicated answer. He doesn’t want to make things weird for you, especially with your focus on your first tournament and trying out for the Northland team. Not to mention the Nat factor, which I’m sure would be tough to navigate. And the expectations of his tennis coach, who really wishes he’d take a page from my playbook and go the homeschooled route.”
She readjusts her grip on my hand, flipping it over and twining our fingers together between our water glasses and the kimchi. “And so he chose not to act—yet.”
Yet? Or at all?
“We discussed keeping up appearances, making you think your matchmaking skills worked, at least through the end of Northland tryouts… but there was no wayIcould spend the next few weeks pretending that we were dating.” Her eyes flick to mine. They’re at once both clear and remorseful. “Because I went out with him for the same reason he went out with me—I wanted to make you happy. I ignored the fact that I could plainly see you thought the world of him and had your own feelings to work out.”
My heart lurches as Sunny takes another measured sip of her tea.
“Now, I’d thought about playing matchmaker on my matchmaker—you know, some sort of purposeful pairing at my birthday party. And though that would be epic and involve swimsuits, the last thing I want to do is to put more pressure on you, Caroline. Or on Alex.” She squeezes my fingers. “I’m here for you and I want to arm you with information that’s yours to act on. You can wait for Alex to get up the courage, or you can take matters into your own hands. Or the both of you can do nothing. But for what it’s worth, now you know.”
