Page 56 of Falls From Grace
Savannah smiled.
“You know I did.” She reached into her pocket and pulled it out, followed by a pen. Brynn shifted up further on the boulder and turned her back, pulling off her gloves to pick up the notebook and scribble a few lines, before putting it back down beside them.
Savannah picked it up and turned her body away too, so the two of them were back to back. Facing away from each other was their unspoken song-writing rule. She read the words.
I want to feel your heartbeat
Your warmth inside the cold
Savannah gazed down at the messy swooping handwriting and wished with all her heart that Brynn was writing about her, and not either some amorphous inspiration because of the icy lake, or her handsome husband back at home. Again, she let herself fall into the fantasy that she’d been the one to meet Brynn first. She picked up the pen.
Through ice and snow
I’ll always know
Your hand is mine to hold
She put down the notebook and again Brynn picked it up. There was a pause while she read Savannah’s addition and then she shuffled back just slightly so they were resting against each other, back to back. She leaned on Savannah as she tapped the pen on the page, thinking.
They wrote lines this way for over half an hour, the firm press of Brynn’s back warming her even through their layers of winter clothing, as they gazed in opposite directions upon the snow and wrote a love song together.
Now, in the recording studio, Savannah felt the rush of understanding that Brynn had been writing her lines to her, that right in that moment on the snowy lake edge, her aching daydream could have been a reality if not for Brynn and Noah’s stupid lie.
She stepped up to the mic, listened for her cue, got two lines in, and in front of the whole studio - her band, the session musicians, the sound techs, Greta and god knows who else - she burst into tears.
“So,” said Coral softly, as they sat outside the studio in a quiet nook and Savannah told her everything, “you caught feelings for her after all.”
“I can’t tell you how much I wish I hadn’t.” Savannah pulled her knees up to her chest, laying her head on them. “I wish I had some magic way to just switch off my feelings for her, now that I know who she really is.”
“And who’s that?”
“A liar. She lied the whole time, to my face, for months, even though we got so close.” She scrubbed at her face. “I feel so stupid, like how could I possibly have not learned any better by now? After everything!” She angrily scrubbed away another tear.
“Woah,” Coral looked at her. “I mean, first up, this is kind of a different situation, don’t you think?”
“I don’t see how. A lie is a lie is a lie.”
“I mean, some lies are the lies of someone who doesn’t give a fuck if they hurt you, and some lies are just a stupid mistake that got out of hand. It doesn’t sound like either Brynn or Noah intended you any harm.”
“It doesn’t matter what they intended! The harm happened anyway. I was the butt of the joke, while the whole time I was… really falling for her.” She covered her face with her hands. “Oh god, what do I do?”
“Can you just… talk to her? You might get a little more clarity on the situation-”
“I have more than enough clarity,” Savannah raised her head, fingernails biting into her palms. “And talking to her is out of the question. It’s done, Coral, it’s over. I just have to find a way to move through this. Move through it so I can just get to the part where I grow old and die alone because I am so done.”
“Okay. Sure. Good. But before you sign yourself up for a nunnery - Sister Savannah, my love - how about you try working through it in the traditional way?”
“Which is?”
“Channelling all that into your absolutely killer voice, recording one hell of a song, then putting out the album of a career, showing them for once and for all, who’s the fucking boss bitch?”
Savannah sniffled a laugh and blew her nose.
Back in the studio, as the last notes of the song faded, Savannah wrapped her arms around her midsection and tried as hard as she could to shove the feelings the song had flung her into as far away as possible. Greta nodded to her through the glass.
“That was wonderful,” she said crisply. “Let’s go again.”
Savannah stepped back from the mic.
