Page 25 of Falls From Grace
“So, what, I just let him scream?”
“No. You cuddle him, if he’ll let you. You name the feeling: tell him it’s okay to be angry, or sad. You support him for as long as it takes until he moves through it and then you move on together.”
“Oh,” said Brynn. “That actually makes sense… I think.”
She watched Tucker as he plowed his digger into his sliced apple and used the bucket to try to shove the food into his mouth. The apple hit the ground, but undeterred, he tried again.
“Well, yeah,” Savannah agreed. “I’m trying to teach him that life isn’t about always getting what you want or being happy all the time. That being sad or angry or jealous or disappointed are all feelings it’s okay to just feel. And I don’t want to gaslight him by telling him he isn’t feeling them or shouldn’t feel them when he very clearly is.”
“Huh.”
“What?”
“I just… if I’d learned all that as a kid I probably wouldn’t have become an alcoholic,” she observed. Oh wow, she was all about the truth bombs today. Now Savannah would never want to leave her child with her.
“I mean, maybe?” Savannah agreed, piling up her salad on her fork. “But I’m sure you know addiction is more complicated than that.”
“You don’t seem surprised,” Brynn observed.
“I noticed you don’t touch alcohol,” Savannah said. “I figured it was either that or you were pregnant.” Brynn almost choked on her mouthful of potato. “And if you are, you’re hiding it damn well,” she cast her eye down Brynn’s body.
“You notice a lot,” Brynn replied, as soon as she’d recovered.
Savannah’s cheeks went pink. She focused down on her plate.
“I guess I do.”
“Six years sober,” Brynn reassured her. “Just in case you were worrying.”
“I’m not,” Savannah looked up, her blue gaze intense. “You leaped into that lake a mile ahead of me without even stopping. I know I can trust you with his life because I’ve already seen it.”
Brynn stared back. Savannah’s trust in her touched her deeply. With her child, no less. She swallowed a sudden lump in her throat.
“I’ve got you,” she said quietly, to them both.
“I can’t tell you how much that means to me,” Savannah said. “After everything. To be able to trust someone.” She gazed at Brynn. Both of them seemed unable to look away. “God, anyway.” Savannah broke first, her eyelashes dropping. She stood up abruptly, picking up her plate. “I appreciate you, is all,” she said from the sink, over the running water, her back turned.
“Up up up!” called Tucker and Brynn stirred herself into action, scooping him up from his highchair. “Wash hands,” he instructed, and Brynn carried him to the kitchen sink and helped him wash mayonnaise off his hands and face as he giggled and splashed water absolutely everywhere. She caught Savannah watching with interest.
“I normally-” Savannah started, holding up a small cloth, hesitating. You know what, don’t worry. He’s having a great time.”
The next hour passed pretty easily. Tucker was busy and loud, and the two women alternated between joining him in his play and exchanging information about routines and care. There was no time for meaningful smiles or lingering glances or intimate conversation, to Brynn’s extreme relief.
Tucker melted down at around one p.m. and Savannah looked at the time, startled.
“He usually takes his naps right after lunch. I guess I just got distracted,” she said over his wails.
She took Tucker into his small, lovely bedroom and quickly changed his diaper, then tugged a soft t-shirt down over his head while he wailed. Brynn hung back anxiously, wondering if she’d ever be as competent in the face of a miserable child. He clung to his mama, shrieking, and Brynn’s confidence dwindled. Savannah held him tightly, next to his bed and turned to look at Brynn, hesitation in her face.
“What’s wrong?”
“When he has a nanny they usually put him to bed here, and he goes down okay, but he won’t have a bar of that when I’m here. I usually cuddle him to sleep in my bed.”
“Oh,” Brynn replied. “Go for it, whatever’s easiest.”
Savannah nodded.
“It’s right through here,” she said, gesturing over Tucker’s cries. She opened the door on the far side of the room and as Brynn glimpsed through to an expansive master suite and giant bed, she suddenly realized she was being prompted to enter Savannah’s bedroom with them. Bawling child or not, this felt like a step she could not bring herself to take.
