Page 64 of A Banh Mi for Two
I start crying again, and Tri?t hands me more napkins. “It’s okay,” he says softly. “It’s not your fault. You can’t live with this guilt for the rest of your life.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I whisper. “I’m scared.”
He strokes my hair and I stare at the Popsicle stick I dropped on the floor. I look just like it—frail and ready to snap if someone just bends me a little.
A memory of Ba flashes through me. We were at the top of the hill, about to test run our paper kite. I was so scared to run down with him. Be brave, my little flower! I am always with you!
Willing the memory to dissipate, I squeeze my eyes shut and sob harder into Tri?t’s pillow, letting him run his fingers through my hair, comforting me. The pillowcase is damp from my sweat, my hair tangled in knots, and my forehead sticky to the touch. Tri?t doesn’t care, just letting me sob until my throat is dry and my nostrils feel raw.
The door to the house creaks and Má’s footsteps approach us. She stops short in front of me, looking down at me with her soft eyes. She and Tri?t whisper back and forth, causing my chest to tighten even more. Ushering Tri?t away, she takes his place next to me, sweeping the tangled hair from my face.
She takes my face into her arms, cradling me tenderly like she always did when I was young. The simple act brings more tears into my eyes. I didn’t know I missed her warmth this much.
“Why didn’t you tell me about the contest?”
“I wasn’t trying to keep it a secret from you, Má, I just… didn’t know how to tell you. I… didn’t want to fail you. Didn’t want you to place your hopes in me only to be disappointed—like you are now.”
In and out, in and out. I try to steady my breathing, yet my palms are now pools of sweat.
“Lan,” Má says finally, her voice shaking. “You don’t have to keep everything to yourself. You don’t have to do everything by yourself for us.”
My chest squeezes. Everything I’ve done has been for her. “I have to protect us. Protect our family. Protect you.”
She gives me an exaggerated sigh. “Con, I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy.”
She continues. “You know I would have let you go wherever it is that you want to, right? I would never force you to stay by my side.”
Shame eats at me, and I find myself wanting to make myself smaller. Smaller and smaller until I disappear.
“Má,” I sigh, not wanting to argue or fight anymore. “I don’t want to be away from you.”
As if my answer is ridiculous, she wrinkles her eyebrows. “I have Tri?t. He can help.”
“I want to take care of you myself! Tri?t can help, but he can’t do the things that I can. What if he doesn’t know where you keep your medicine? What if something happens while I am away? What if he doesn’t know where you are like I do?”
I look down at my hands, clutching them close to my heart. “I can’t lose you, too.”
Tears stream down my cheeks once again. “Ever since he left, I’ve lived every day trying to be your rock. Trying to protect you. I can’t make the same mistake again.”
Má shushes me before gathering me into her arms and stroking my hair, something that has always calmed me. Something she hasn’t done since Ba passed.
“There are so many things that you can do without me, con. Without me holding you back. You were so busy looking after me and the shop that you didn’t even take care of yourself. I know how you canceled your examination dates before you graduated. Your teacher told me that you didn’t want to go to college. I told her that isn’t my Lan at all. My daughter who pores over her books. My daughter who takes after her father’s love for stories and words. There is not a single day that goes by that I don’t wish to give you more than what we have. There’s not a single day that I don’t feel like I’ve failed you.
“With this job you’ve worked so hard for, you should be proud of yourself,” she continues. “I don’t care what you want to do, where you want to go. If you want to go to university, then do it. If you want to travel abroad and be a journalist, then do it. But do it for yourself. Pick the option that you want.”
“But Má, what about you? What will you do when I’m not here?”
“Con, Má will be okay. I don’t need you to worry about me. I have Tri?t, Chú Hai, the neighbors, and so many other people. I have so many people here. You have to realize that, Lan, that we are not alone. We have each other, but we also have the people that love us, too.”
All this time, she has always wanted the best for me. She never wanted me to carry all this burden or to be her perfect daughter.
She brings me closer and kisses my head. I realize that she’s right, that Chú Hai’s right, and that Vivi’s right. My heart aches for the girl that I love. I need to see Vivi. But not yet. Not tonight.
I was right, too. I know now it was right of me to protect Má, to rebuild this family. But Ba is not here anymore. I can’t bring him back. I can only look forward.
“I’m proud of you, Lan, and I know your dad would be proud of you, too.”
