Page 104 of Beating Heart
I swallowed hard and turned to face her. Her eyes were wet with emotion, and her bottom lip trembled.
“Are you going back to him?” I finally asked, because I couldn’t help myself.
She looked surprised by the question. “Is that what you think? You think I would go back to him?”
“I don’t know. It’s crossed my mind over the last hour while you’ve been over there with him.”
“So you were jealous?” Her lips turned up in the corners as a tear ran down her cheek.
“Tell me what happened.”
“He apologized. Maybe he needed more closure, I don’t know. I’ve made peace with what happened a while ago. So, that was more for him than for me.” She reached for my hands and intertwined her fingers with mine. “But what surprised me was what I realized over the last hour while he was there.”
“What did you realize?”
“I realized that all I was thinking about was you. Wondering why you were so upset that he was there. Wondering why you’d gone to dinner without me tonight when we’ve been together every night for weeks. Wondering if you’d grown tired of spending time with me.”
“That wasn’t it at all,” I said, my voice gruff as my hands moved to each side of her face.
“Why, then?” Her voice shook, and I knew what she was asking.
“Because you had the interview today, and it went well. Because you’re fucking leaving, and I don’t know what that means for us. I know I’m just a stop along the way for you.”
“A stop along the way? That’s what you think?”
“I’m a realist, Emerson. I have a kid to think about. He’s getting attached. I’ve got to be smart.”
She pinned her lips between her teeth and shook her head the slightest bit. “You’re worried about Cutler? He’s the only one who’s getting attached?”
I groaned. “We’re both getting fucking attached.”
“And that’s a bad thing?” she pressed.
“Yeah. It’s a bad thing. You just got out of a long relationship, and I’m the fucking rebound guy. I know that. I signed up for that. But things are getting too heavy. I needed to pull back.”
“You aren’t the rebound guy, Nash. You were never the rebound guy.” The tears were falling down her cheeks now.
“What am I, then?”
“You’re the man who put me back together and made me realize how good things could be. You’re the man I think about every second of the day. It was never like this for me before. That’s why I can’t even hate Collin anymore. You ruined that for me,” she said, and her voice shook with each word.
“Ruined that for you, how?”
“I can’t hate someone for doing something that led me to finding what I needed all along. I don’t know how it happened, but somewhere along the way of keeping it casual, I fell in love with you, Nash Heart. I didn’t know it could feel like this, and it scares the shit out of me. And I don’t know what it means for our future or if I should stay or go. I don’t even know what I want anymore professionally, because you’ve changed everything. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I love you. I love the man that you are. The father that you are. And I love your little boy.” Her words were barely audible over her sobs. “And I’m terrified to love again and to trust anyone again. But I can’t hold in all these things I’m feeling anymore.”
My heart pounded so loud I could hear it in my ears as I watched her lay it all out there. I hadn’t expected it. Hell, I hadn't realized how much I’d needed to hear it.
“Emerson,” I said, reaching for her hand before resting it against my heart. My large hand over her smaller one. “This right here. It beats every time I look at you. Every time you laugh. Every time you smile. Every time you walk toward me. It’s always beat for my son, but I swear to God, my fucking heart beats for you now, too. You brought a part of me back to life. A part that I didn’t even realize was gone. I love you, and it scares the shit out of me.”
“Beating heart,” she whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks.
“I don’t want to hold you back, Emerson. I will not be that guy who tells you what to do. If you want to work at that hospital in Boston, I’m going to support you. I want you to chase your dreams and have everything you want. But my life is here. Cutler’s life is here. So I don’t know how this works.”
She was looking up at me through teary eyes, lips turned up in the corners, as she tangled her fingers in my hair. “All I know is that I’ve never felt like this before. I almost married a man, and it wasn’t like this, Nash. And I know that this—what we have—is rare. It’s what’s most important in life.”
“Agreed. So, we’ll make it work. But we don’t have to have it all figured out right now. All that matters is that we know what this is now. We love each other.”
“We love each other,” she whispered, smiling up at me. I used my thumbs to swipe away the moisture on her cheeks. “I don’t think either of us saw this coming.”
