Page 51 of Last First Kiss
“Remember that I grew up with four brothers. I was never the girly-girl who liked boys. I was the tomboy who liked to compete with the boys. I enlisted as soon as I could. When was I going to have sex, exactly? During basic? In a tent in Afghanistan? I was ready, though, I wanted it to be Derek and it likely would have been, but then he was killed during a surprise attack while we were on foot patrol. He died right in front of my eyes.” She had a lump in her throat as she spoke. She thought about it all the time but never voiced it. Except this same afternoon to Joey. It hurt to talk about it.
“What? Fuck, Annabelle.”
“So.” She gulped, trying to hold back her tears. “There was this little girl, nine years old, Yagana was her name. She would visit us every time we were around. So beautiful.” Her mind drifted to the brown-haired, brown-eyed little girl—tattered shoes, ragged clothes, but with the most mesmerizing and joyful smile Annabelle had ever known. “A girl born into the worst of circumstances. Bombings all around her, most of her family dead, she was always so happy. She would make me little figurines out of uncooked rice and I’d give her chocolate every time I received a care package from home. I started waiting for her to come visit me every day when we did our daily foot patrols.”
“This is not going to end well, is it?”
She shook her head and he tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “Yagana made me this little tiger, the size of my palm, the last time I saw her. She would say I was a tiger in the cutest broken English. Remember, in her culture women like me weren’t the norm. Normally they were looked down upon and didn’t have the same rights as men. That day Derek was on the other side of the street. It was a street we’d walked through a dozen times. Street vendors everywhere. Most of the people were good people, Rocco. Really, they embraced us with open arms. All they want is a life where they can raise their children and find happiness and feel safe. The same things we all want. But three men in vests came out of nowhere. I pulled out my weapon and shot as soon as I realized what was happening, but it was no use. There were three of them. All I could do was cover Yagana when things went to hell, but . . .” she shook her head and swallowed. She was obviously trying to push down the tears. “But it did no use. We flew back across the street, my back hit something hard, and I blacked out.”
He wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be okay. But he also wanted to shake her and yell at her to let it all out. Tell her it was okay to cry. That showing emotions did not make her weak. He pulled her to him and kissed her forehead and then the top of her head. She’d been through so much. Things he could never even begin to imagine. “Jesus Christ.”
He thought she had been done talking but she continued. He couldn’t see her face from this angle, but she spoke as if she was lost in that moment those years back, reliving it as she told it. He wondered how many people had she said this to. “When I came to, we were trapped, buried under the rubble.” She paused. “I can still remember the smell of acrid smoke, the dull silence around me. I was in and out of consciousness for almost three days, or so they tell me. I tried to dig us out. Yagana survived the initial blast. She was still alive, her little tiny body bleeding. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get us out; I couldn’t save her. I held her for almost three days until they dug me out of the rubble.”
He wanted to ask but at the same time he was terrified, already knowing what the answer was going to be. “And Derek?”
“He died instantly from the first explosion. I don’t remember how I made it back to the base. Apparently I was in some sort of catatonic state of shock. My eardrums popped and I couldn’t hear anything. Eventually, I snapped out of it. My entire team, including Derek, died. I was the only survivor. And since to the world we were nothing more than friends, colleagues, I wasn’t informed about much. His remains were sent back to Kentucky where his family lived and that was that.”
“That was that?” His mouth hung open and he pushed her back a little to look at her face. Her eyes were wet. “Don’t you miss him? You said you were in love with him.”
“It’s weird. I had a lot of therapy after that, and I somehow learned to compartmentalize Derek’s death. It feels as if it was another lifetime ago instead of six years. I feel oddly disconnected from it. It hurt a lot when it happened, and I was deeply depressed. The doctors said it was PTSD, but I knew it was the loss of Derek that was killing me.”
“But you didn’t tell your therapist about Derek?”
“No. For the first time today, I told Joey. He doesn’t know it was a commanding officer, just that I was in love and he died. Before that, I had never told anyone. It felt wrong to defile his legacy in that way. He was a revered high-ranking commander of the US Army. If it had come out that he was dating me, it would have tainted his memory.”
“Wow. I don’t even know what to say.”
She sat up on the bed, crossed her legs, and faced him. She looked comfortable and so very young sitting there in a T-shirt without any makeup, just chatting. How he wished they would have been talking about anything else but this. “You know, when my father died, I didn’t think my mom would be able to go on. She’d see something that reminded her of him, a commercial, his favorite mug, whatever, and she’d cry for hours. They’d made so many memories. I never had that with Derek. We snuck around. Our relationship consisted of stolen kisses and late night conversations in his bunk. But that routine you miss when the person’s gone, the familiar things that remind you of a good time, I didn’t really have that with him. Maybe I wasn’t even in love with him. Don’t get me wrong, it still hurts when I talk about him or when I think about him, and I do miss him. We talked a lot and I really think he was my best friend. But I think I’m okay. Maybe that sounds callous, but . . .”
“I’m in awe of you, Annabelle.” He rolled onto his back and clasped his fingers behind his neck. “I’ve never met anyone like you. You’re stronger than anyone I know. I knew that before, but I’m sure of it now.”
She turned off the bedside lamp and got into bed, tucking her head on his shoulder like they’d done this a million times. “Strong? Did you hear what I just said? I had a lot of therapy. And I have horrible nightmares.”
“You’re strong. And beautiful.”
“And a little crazy and a lot intense.”
“Turns out I’m a big fan of crazy and intense.”
“Starting up something with you. . . . it would be my second time dating someone off-limits, and the first time—well, it didn’t work out well for me or him.”
“It’ll work out. Just trust me,” he whispered. His eyes were drooping and her voice was trailing off. The events of the day were starting to take their toll. He didn’t want to leave. It felt nice having her close this way. She must’ve read his mind, because she whispered, almost dreamily, “Don’t go.”
He smiled to himself, so happy to hear her say that. He kissed the top of her head and pulled her in even closer. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He didn’t know how much time had passed. He’d been drifting off to sleep but there was so much swirling around in his mind. Her breathing was even and soft and he wasn’t sure if she was still awake. “You scare me,” he whispered.
He felt her tense up. “Me? I’ve never slept with a man before. With Derek he always snuck out at some point. This is all new to me. But you, you’re the heartthrob playboy with all the experience.” Her voice was groggy with sleep.
“What am I supposed to do with you now?” he said softly, feeling for her hand under the blanket and lacing it with his. “I want you so much I can’t stand it, but you deserve more than this. More than four months. For your first time, you deserve . . . someone else.”
“You’ve put up with my temper, my bossing you around, my brother being an ass, my drugged-up confessions . . . Rocco, if anything, you deserve better.” She kissed his chest, and then went back to the little nook under his shoulder. “Sleep well, Rocco.”
“Goodnight, little Tiger.”
CHAPTER NINE
Many South Americans are disgusted that an American will play the role of Gabriel Mendoza. Demonstrations have been in full force all over Hollywood today. Recent American immigration reforms have exacerbated the anti-American sentiments brewing with our neighbors down south.
