Page 100 of I'll Look for You, Everywhere
‘Why are you here?’ I try walking up the hill but he immediately reaches for my arm, stopping me. Even this, his fingers around my wrist, is enough to make me want to close my eyes and bathe in his touch.
‘What’s going on?’
‘Really?’ My voice comes out surprisingly angry. Good! I should be yelling. ‘Nothing you want to tell me?’
Theo searches my eyes, confusion clear in his gaze. ‘If there’s something I did, just tell me, Magdalen,’ he says roughly, letting go of my hand. How dare he be angry with me? When it’s been him throwing darts at me the entire game.
‘Fine, if you want to play it that way,’ I breathe out. ‘Lucia?’
He stills, and it’s enough of a reaction to know my suspicion was right. I blink away the tears and take another deep breath, my father’s voice giving me strength.
‘You were with Lucia in the middle of the night, drinking wine on the stairs.’ It’s all I can say without feeling the familiar lump in my throat. Unable to look at him, I begin walking again, leaving him standing there behind me. ‘And you’ve been talking to my father,’ I add. Might as well get everything out in the open.
‘Magdalen,’ he calls out, and I walk faster, his footsteps chasing after me. ‘Maggie, I promise you, I wasn’t trying to do anything behind your back.’
The audacity of men! Hands all over my engaged sister and he has the nerve to speak. I whirl around. ‘So, when you were touching my sister just after we fucked, you were thinking of me?’
‘I was not touching your sister.’ He rolls his eyes as he says the last words, like I made it all up.
I start walking again. ‘I watched.’
‘Well, you watched wrong.’
‘Don’t tell me how I watched!’
‘We were talking about you, Magdalen!’ Theo appears in front of me, his chest moving rapidly as he blocks my path. ‘Don’t you realize that I only ever want to talk about you? With Lucia and your father, it’s always just you.’
‘I’m supposed to believe you were talking about me with my ethereal-looking sister at four a.m. with a bottle of wine in hand?’
‘Yes, because it’s fucking true. I couldn’t sleep, but you looked so fucking peaceful that I just stepped outside instead to get your scarf from the garden.’ He looks at me like I’m the dumbest person alive. ‘And then I found your sister on the steps, with the wine.’
‘With the wine,’ I repeat.
‘She was upset because of how your conversation ended.’
‘Oh.’ A pang of regret for how I acted. Another person I have given a sleepless night.
‘She kept saying she was scared for you.’
‘Oh,’ I repeat, unable to process Lucia speaking to Theo about me, about my secrets. My skin prickles and that compulsion, the one that screams to divert the conversation, rings violently in my head.
‘Why is she scared for you, Magdalen?’
‘What was the crashing noise?’ I ask, needing time to think of a response. Accepting that I’m in love with this stupid boy makes it so much harder to keep things from him. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to be weak with someone, to ache together.
‘My big foot knocked over the bottle.’ Theo taps his sneaker against my sandal and I stare at our feet touching, still unable to look at him.
‘Why couldn’t you sleep?’
‘Come with me.’ He holds my hand, bringing it to his lips, and kisses me before tucking it into his elbow. ‘I need to tell you something.’
53
MAGDALEN
We walk in silence as we approach my garden. The back of my hand still hums with the impression of his lips.
‘What do you need to tell me?’
