Page 84 of I'll Look for You, Everywhere
‘Lavender,’ he hums after closing the door behind us, and I walk into the middle of the room, feeling clumsy.
‘Magdalen, actually,’ I supply while smoothing out my sweatshirt, feeling increasingly unsure of where to put my hands.
‘You smart-ass.’ He comes closer to me, and this time I’m convinced I will throw up, so I keep my mouth shut and try not to breathe. The moonlight tries to peak in through the sheer curtains, creating an effervescent glow throughout the room. Theo stands shirtless in front of me, a crooked smile on his lips. ‘You smell like lavender.’ He gathers my fidgeting hands and gently raises them above my head. ‘Honeysuckle,’ he continues to whisper, and runs his fingers along the edge of the sweatshirt. I look down at his hands that begin to raise the sweatshirt off, my heart stammering uncontrollably. In anticipation, or maybe preparedness, when I’d flung on the sweatshirt and shorts, I’d also put on the undergarments Marta picked out. Coincidentally, also lavender-coloured and completely sheer.
‘Why, thank you,’ I say shyly. It feels oddly intimate to be recognized by scent alone. The face I have now will change, age, droop. But in twenty years, he could smell lavender while in a park in New York and think of me.
‘Fair’s fair,’ he murmurs, and goes to pull the thick fabric off me, his hands running up my torso as he does so. Once he reaches the edge of my breasts, he stays there for a moment and takes a sharp breath when he sees the bralette.
‘Before, in the kitchen,’ he says, voice rough, ‘when I was cleaning you up, I had to leave the room because of how beautiful you were.’ I’m mesmerized by him as he retells the story. ‘There you were, sitting on the counter with blood fucking everywhere, and I was trying to control my erection from seeing you touch yourself.’ His knuckles graze over my nipples and I gasp.
‘Mhm, fuck, when did you put these on?’ he asks, mesmerized. His knuckles graze over them again and I let out a small groan as they harden underneath his touch.
‘Couldn’t disappoint Marta,’ I manage to say, despite feeling like I’m going to die.
‘Thank god for Marta.’
44
THEO
The feelings I’ve tried to bury finally escape when I take her in. I let myself feel the ache. For her. For this.
Her eyes lock with mine and I become dizzy with the intimacy. She licks her lips, looking expectant, anxious.
My hands move of their own accord over her breasts and stomach and then I push her shoulders so she falls back onto the bed. Her nipples are completely visible underneath the sheer fabric, desperate to be released. As she sits there with her legs slightly open and breasts exposed just for me, it’s impossible not to want all of her.
She rolls her eyes, trying to close her legs, but I sit down on the bed next to her and rest my hand on the inside of her thigh. She stiffens slightly and I look up to find her staring at my hand, her mouth slacked as if transfixed by the sight of me holding her open. My grip tightens, inching up the inside of her leg, and I’m already so hard I should be embarrassed. Her legs are paler here, and I have a vision of sinking my teeth into her softness. Licking and sucking the untouched skin until she whimpers my name.
‘You have enough innocence to save us all.’ I repeat Anika’s warning aloud from that first night in Chivasso and I look down at my hand, loosening my grip.
‘Excuse me?’ Magdalen abruptly sits up, and I curse myself for saying that out fucking loud.
‘Shit, I’m sorry.’ My head whirls. ‘Anika, she—’
‘Oh, I know Anika says that. Says it to me every morning, in fact.’
Her palm presses against her forehead and she takes a quick glance at the window. She bites her lip as though she’s debating whether or not to say something.
‘I’m not as innocent as Anika thinks.’
My stomach lurches and I must look sick because her eyebrows furrow.
‘I didn’t mean to offend you.’ I edge closer to her, wishing I could tell her that innocence is better than whatever the fuck I am.
‘I’m not offended. Just clarifying.’ She shrugs, parting her legs further.
The image of seeing her for the first time since I came back appears in my mind. Toes in the grass, overalls barely covering her ass, being so surprised at how tall she was when she stood up.
I let myself think the thought I’ve been holding back since the moment I saw her.
I want to be inside her.
I slowly turn my body and kneel on the bed so that I’m over her. We’re the same height like this, our heads inches apart. With only that tiny thong and sheer bra, her nipples taunt me, peeking through the semi-transparent fabric. How has she resisted being with anyone for so long? Images of her and Roberto flash to mind and I inwardly groan. I try to breathe slowly but the nightmare begins again. The noise of ripped fabric is so loud, I shut my eyes.
‘Hey.’ She brushes a piece of my hair behind my ear and I lean into her touch. The need to touch, to be touched by her, is so bad my hands shake.
Opening my eyes, I find Magdalen’s staring back at me, wide and green, full of concern. It’s like she knows. She scoots closer, nodding her head, whispering comforting things that make my eyes prick. Pathetic, I look down. I should tell her. The shame of having his shadow follow me, even at night in a bedroom with Magdalen, miles away, is so heavy that I think about walking out.
