Page 78 of I'll Look for You, Everywhere
He’s nice to me for ten minutes and I forget everything he’s done.
By the time I reach the front of the villa, I’ve left a trail of tears behind me. My hand shakily finds the front doorknob, but it doesn’t move when I twist it. You’ve got to be kidding me. I try again, but the door must be two hundred years old and made of elven-blessed oak, because it doesn’t budge an inch. I stumble to the garden to see if Lucia left the back door open, but it’s sealed tight and I groan. Of course, I mumble to myself. Of course she decides to be an adult today. After thirty minutes of searching, I am back at the front of the house, my trail of tears all dried up. Shivering slightly, I curse myself for giving Theo his shirt back and walk to the small chair tucked by the front door. Anika and Dante are sure to be home soon. Settling into the cushioned seat, I wrap my sarong around my shoulders and make myself as small as possible. The tiredness floods through me forcefully. I close my eyes, salt water and dismissive grey eyes pull me into unconsciousness and I drift off to sleep.
42
THEO
‘What the fuck was that?’
I shrug out of Chiara’s grip and stop walking before we near the bordello entrance.
‘Excuse me?’ she says with a laugh. ‘You can’t be fucking serious?’
‘You just stormed in between us and basically demanded she go home alone. She’s Dante’s little sister. I’m supposed to watch out for her.’
‘Oh, she’s Dante’s little sister?’ Chiara cackles. ‘Give me a fucking break. She was on the verge of tears. I was saving her.’
‘Who the fuck do you think you are, Chiara? You always do this, act like you know everything.’ My voice is cold.
Chiara’s eyes widen slightly but she spits out, ‘I’m a woman. And I know what it’s like to be fucked over by you.’
My breath hitches and Magdalen’s face enters my mind. I stare at the walkway to the beach, wishing her into existence. How did this happen? My head tries to wrap around the sudden shift from the ocean. Questioning her. Probing her for answers that I’m not willing to give. And then Chiara. Out of all people, it had to be Chiara.
‘I’m sorry, I just... I don’t know why I did that.’ I squeeze my eyes shut, running my hands through my hair until my scalp burns. ‘I don’t know why I did that.’
‘Yes, you do,’ Chiara says and shrugs. ‘You didn’t want her to find out that we fucked.’ Her tone is light but I can tell she’s disappointed.
‘No, that’s not... Chiara, I’m not ashamed that we slept together.’
‘But she’s who you were thinking about.’ Chiara looks at me. ‘She’s the reason you called me.’
‘It’s not like that,’ I start but I have no excuse ready. Of course it’s that.
‘And yet you almost had an aneurism when I mentioned Carmine, Jacob and Samuel?’ Chiara snorts and rummages through her purse until she pulls out a cigarette and lighter.
‘God, I’m sorry.’ I slide down against one of the houses and sit down on the sidewalk, closing my eyes. ‘I keep doing this shit.’
Chiara takes a long inhale and I can hear her heels pace slowly in front of me. ‘She’ll forgive you.’
‘This wasn’t the first time I’ve...’ I struggle to find the words that can capture what I’m doing. The cycle I’ve been digging myself into since I saw her lying in the grass that warm night.
‘Been a dick?’ Chiara fills in the silence. I groan and open my eyes to find her looking at me. She takes another inhale and then extends her hand, offering me the cigarette.
‘I guess that sums it up.’ Taking a puff, I think about Magdalen in the ocean and inwardly groan. I think of her hands on my stomach, trailing down further until—
‘Come have a drink with me.’ Chiara interrupts the flashback. ‘Give her some time alone. We’ll figure out what you can say.’
Anger swells in my stomach, burning me up until I notice I’m pulling at the collar of my T-shirt and I jerk my hand away, taking a deep breath. ‘Chiara, I’m twenty-five years old. I shouldn’t need help with telling a girl I like her.’ What the fuck have I done?
‘Oi!’ Chiara claps loudly in front of my face and my head bangs against the wall.
‘Ow. What the fuck?’
‘Would you be upset if she was sleeping with someone else? Or is this a casual thing?’ She bends down, squatting in front of me.
‘Why would you say something like that?’ The words come out rushed. Picturing Magdalen even wanting someone else is difficult, let alone fucking them. I think about Roberto, his hands over her body, buying her a drink. I pinch the end of the cigarette between my fingers and Chiara smacks her lips and grabs it out of my hand.
‘That’s not an answer.’
