Page 51 of I'll Look for You, Everywhere
In comparison to my sexual history, dry humping on a sidewalk seems relatively tame, but the sight of her so undone is enough to send me over the edge. For a moment, I truly believe I was born to make her feel good.
‘Never, baby.’ She opens her eyes, taunting me. My vision starts to dot with how turned on I am.
‘Don’t call me that if you don’t want me to come right now.’
Sucking on the thin skin beneath her ear, I grunt out before thinking, ‘Use me, Mag, please.’ And snake my hands to grip her ass, helping her find a rhythm. She lets out a soft cry as I put pressure on her backside and grind my thigh harder into her.
‘Fuck, that’s beautiful,’ I pant. Watching her chase pleasure from my leg makes me think I’ll come without her even touching me. Does she even realize the effect of her dress bunching up around her hips? I think back to my earlier request to have someone else devour her and I grip her harder. Wanting her pleasure and firsts to be mine. Her tanned thighs glow against the white of her panties, and the desire to sneak my fingers underneath the band and sink them into her is too tempting.
‘Theo,’ she moans. ‘I think—’
But just as she’s about to either confess her love for me or tell me she’s coming, a car alarm goes off somewhere, followed by the sound of teenage boys kicking cans off the street. I jerk back, my knee sliding out from between her, creating a painful distance between us. While my body reacts before my mind, I’m caught in the murky in-between of my desire, drowning in a deep, utterly cold part of myself. It takes me a moment to look at her and not wish I was inside her, my fingers pumping hard as she finds release. What would she sound like if she came? Would she whimper softly, trying to quiet herself? Would it feel so good that she’d moan loudly, knowing nothing but the long pulse of release I gave her? But I blink, dizzy from the darkness of the night against the flush of her cheeks. She stares at me, breathless and flustered.
What the fuck am I doing?
I adjust myself underneath my trousers, knowing full well my erection is visible. Her eyes look down, noticing. And then I see all the bitter details that the night-time has tried to hide. The black cracks in the marble pillars. The dirty graffiti behind the wall I’ve pushed Magdalen against, staining the pink satin of her dress. The ugliness of who I am never gets easier to face, and it hurts to know I’ve brought her down into it with me. Who the fuck do I think I am? Ravishing her on the sidewalk like a degenerate lurking the streets for a quick lay? Silver streaks of moonlight emphasize the indentations where I bit along her collarbone. Dread sinks heavily inside my stomach, settling over me like barbed wire, cutting into the smallest parts of me.
‘What’s wrong?’ Magdalen self-consciously lowers her dress, looking around to see the cause of my distance. I sigh, already missing the sight of her thighs around my own. Biting the inside of my cheek until the metallic sting of blood fills my mouth, I dip my tongue inside the shallow until it stings so badly my eyes water.
‘What’s wrong?’ I repeat, my throat numb and scratchy. I feel dirty, knowing I’ve stolen her first time to chase a few moments of pleasure. ‘What’s wrong is that this is fucking stupid.’
A fissure has erupted between us. Hot lava seeps through the opening, spilling over me, and I feel ready to burn everything down with me. Her face contorts from confusion to deathly cold in a second.
‘The only reason you’re kissing me is because you’re too afraid to fucking talk to anyone else,’ I sneer, wanting the fire to burn faster. I regret the words as soon as I say them, but I’m proud I’ve found something so disgusting to say when all I want to do is kiss her better. Remembering how no one seemed to notice her at the dinner table or at the club. The lava blisters my skin, lining the inside of my throat with deep lesions, begging to spill more cruelty.
‘You crawl to me to get out all your sexually repressed fantasies because I’m the only man you know that doesn’t need to talk to hook up.’ Someone in the distance pushes up the rolling gate of their store. ‘Humping my leg like a teenager. For god’s sake, Magdalen, what part of that did you think would be enjoyable for me?’
She stares at me, her face calm, breathing deeply before tilting her head. ‘Are you done?’ There’s a slight tremor in her voice, but she seems otherwise indifferent. Her eyes pierce my skin.
‘You should get a cab.’ My gaze stays at her collarbone, unable to look higher.
‘You’re a fucking coward. You say a few mean words to me so you don’t feel guilty about getting with your sister’s best friend, and then what? You think I’ll forget that your dick was digging into my stomach after just one kiss?’
She thinks my apprehension is because of Anika. Good.
‘Just because I can’t control my body’s natural reaction doesn’t mean I like you, Magdalen,’ I spit out.
She opens her mouth and then closes it, blinking a few times before looking at the ground.
Bile rises in my throat. ‘Maybe if you had an actual conversation with a man, you’d know that.’ The final blow.
It’s as if her hurt has manifested into a tangible barrier between us; I watch her strength finally bend into an ugly and irreversible hatred for me. I’m doing this because I care, I think. Because she deserves better, I think again, because I don’t believe myself the first time.
‘Oh, right,’ she says quietly. ‘I, um... I didn’t realize that, that you didn’t need to be attracted...’ She stutters, looking at me, hurt deep in her eyes. Pain and regret, her dress cementing over her body, no longer moving with the breeze. ‘I forget how easily the male mind can be persuaded.’ She feigns a laugh. She’s speaking to the floor, then in the direction where the cabs pool.
‘Yup,’ I add. ‘Quite easily.’
Magdalen flinches, then tries to wipe away the bruises my lips have made on her skin. I feel sorry for her reflection tomorrow morning.
‘To the cabs I go.’ She smiles and starts towards the river. She’s slow, taking her time, arms wrapped over her chest like she’s cold. It’s as if I’ve taken the heat out of her summer.
‘Magdalen,’ I yell. One more minute. I just need one more minute. It’s the most selfish thing I’ve ever done, but it’s compulsory. One more fucking minute.
Turning, staring at me blankly, she asks, ‘Yes?’ She looks fragile and delicious all at once.
My voice comes out harsh. I smirk, fuelled by the pain. ‘Don’t tell Anika, okay?’
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